Q: So I am in a little bit of a pickle over a incident that happened while drinking. So a little background on the incident: I am a Division II football player who goes to a school of about 6,000 people. Around the school I am well known and also one of the hardest partiers (not to sound conceited). But at the St. Patty's party I got in a pickle. You see, I started drinking (PBR) at around 11 am with my buddies and really don't remember most of the night due to me finishing the entire 30 rack throughout the day. Now here's where things get sticky, I come to from my brown out fucking this fat chick in my bed at about 3 a.m. Now I sucked it up and finished then escorted her out thinking no one had noticed. Little did I know, I made an ass of myself at this part with this fat chick. So I assume everyone will forget about, which they did. But, Spring ball rolls around and my coach keeps quoting the date before the actual game and I don't know what it's about. The day rolls around and I walk in the locker room only to find that my coach has posted pictures throughout the locker room of pictures of me at the party making out with this fat chick. Someone on the team had emailed him the photo. I played it off like a true bro, but now everyone treats me different and it's been a struggle hooking up with chicks now. My question is, how do i regain the good reputation i had before this incident? Also, sorry for the long story, I felt I had to fully explain my situation.
A: Public knowledge of sex with a fat chick > Leprosy
It's times like this when you wish the “I was drunk” excuse held water with the opposite sex, but it never does, does it? (It's also times like this that make me thankful social media and the sharing of incriminating photos was in it's infancy when I was in college. Because JESUS CHRIST, I'd have been fucked.) And what is it about vaginas and estrogen that makes chicks so unable to understand alcohol is always an excuse? We've gone over this before, I know, but why are we capable of understanding that you made a mistake and that you'd have never tipped that cow if you're mind wasn't overrun by PBR, but chicks can't? Frustrates me to my fucking core.
What you first need to do is never bring it up (even in jest) and don't allow yourself to get aggravated when others do. If they see you become incandescent with rage, they will continue to play this card. And time… well… time is both your friend and your enemy here — I believe the crafty shit-sippers at the Bravo channel would refer to time as a “Frenemy.” Waiting for time to go by is brutal — anyone who has ever stepped on a treadmill knows that — but after a good amount of it passes, chicks will eventually forget and you will get to go back to making ill-advised sexual choices.
Was the Summer enough time? You'll know soon. However, if it wasn't, at least Fall semester will bring with it a new flock of fresh faces who know nothing of your egregious actions. And that's why college is such a beautiful place to be.
Hang in there. Every nightmare has its end.
Q: I've had a skin problem around my mouth for years now, practically since I started middle school or maybe even earlier. I've seen many doctors about it and nothing has really helped to get rid of it over the years. A lot of times when I first meet people, they will make little comments behind my back assuming that I have some sort of disease (since it's around my mouth, on the outline of my lips to be more exact) when that's really not the case at all. I am a girl and although I've learned to cope with this problem, I feel like in the future it might be a huge deal breaker when trying to possibly form closer relationships with a guy. From a male point of view, what would you think if you met a girl with a similar situation as me and would it keep you from approaching her?
A: I've got to tell ya, you've done a laughable job explaining how this skin issue actually looks. You come here for answers, yet you paint half a fucking picture. Now I have to play guessing games like an asshole after drinking a quart of milk. Thanks.
Does it look like perpetual windburn like what Brandt Snedeker seems to have going on, or are you a strong mayoral candidate of Mouth Sore City? Also, do you experience periodic outbreaks or is this shit perpetually unyielding?
These are all vital bits of information you should have included in your question because IT ALL MATTERS.
Whatever the case, you've got a real Aggro Crag in your way here.
Obviously I wouldn't walk up to you if your face looked like the herpes carnival was in town — I'm stupid, but I'm not into Russian Roulette. I have to assume the vast majority of guys would be in the same “I don't want cha fackin' herpes” boat, too. And you can't blame them.
But if this shit isn't constantly living on your face, of course there's hope. You just need to meet a guy and explain the situation to him before the next full moon.
Timeout, you motor-boating sons of bitches.
What a Saget.
Q: J.Camm, your insight is much needed here.
I'll get straight to the goddamn point. I suck donkey tits at taking girls bras off. I bring girls home a moderately good amount but almost always struggle awkwardly too long taking her bra off. Now none of the sIoots I've been with have said anything about this and I know its not that fucking hard, but I need some insight before my little problem turns into a school-wide gossip nightmare.
Also, would you rather have Tim Tebow dry hump you in front of all your friends and family or get fucked by a horse and nobody finds out about it?
A: Come on, Bro. Really?
You've got to learn some things on your own in life, and unhooking a bra is one of them.
Sure, some bras are unique but standard bra clasps are simple; you can get those off with one hand for shit's sake. Figure it out.
You know what? I'm better than that. Here, watch this:
And every goddamn time with these goddamn would you rathers… Can I get something semi-decent one of these days or is it “human vs animal cock” to choose from here on out? Christ. Sick of this.
I'll let Tebow dry hump me because 1) I don't think he's man enough to go through with it, 2) if he was man enough to ride my creamy thighs to climax he'd do the right thing and at least buy me a Denny's Grand Slam the next morning, 3) it's only dry humping, and 4) If the horse's cock didn't kill me it would probably rock me so deep that my eyeballs popped out of the sockets.
TL;DR I don't want that godless animal within a hundred miles of my asshole.
Q: Should you ever fuck a girl for the sake of fucking her? I mean, Juicy J doesn't say no to ratchet pussy…so should we all adopt that concept?
A: I was under the impression that there was no other way to go through your teens and twenties.
Or has sport-fucking gone out of style? Do people not do that anymore? If so, don't tell me. That's not an America I want to live in.
Q: I'm preparing for a trip and I need your bro advice. Is it OK to simultaneously shit, sneeze, cough, vomit, ejaculate, fart, piss and belch; just before takeoff while seated in a plane (it would be for a ten hour flight to Europe)? Or would it be better to do it all while checking in at the ticket counter?
A: The question above was submitted by a gentleman who has been submitting nonsensical questions for probably the last 24 months. While I rarely share them with the masses (because, did you read that?), I'd like to let him know I read every one he sends and, against all odds, each one is stupider than the last, which is no small feat.
However, just this morning he sent another gem. Only this is actually kind of answerable, a trait that ninety-nine percent of his questions usually lack. So here goes…
Q: If having your dick chopped off with a rusty machete would cure every type of cancer around the world, would you do it?
I'd like to think if was offered the chance to be mankind's savior, it's shining star, that I'd jump at that opportunity if all I had to do was make my dick Joan of Arc to some unkempt hatchet. And the reason I'd like to think that is because there is no way in fucking hell I'd actually do it. As stunningly mediocre as it is, I love my dick.
Plus, who is to say everyone I'm saving from cancer is a decent human being? For all the good it would do and all the lives it would save, I wouldn't be able to live with my dickless self if I stopped a terrorist or some child rapist from dying of asshole cancer.