Life
by Fitz E Fresh on June 20, 2013

Q: I've been dating this girl for a couple of months and over that time she's gotten pretty attached. Over the past year or so, I've been hitting the gym for the first time ever and working on my general attractiveness to a marked degree of success. I've decided I don't want  to see this girl anymore because she's really into it for a boyfriend and I'm more interested in using my new found persona to get out there  and meet/knock boots with as many girls as possible (safely, of course). Is it best to just stop texting/talking to her and let it fizzle out or  is it better to have a conversation with her to let her know where we stand? How forthcoming should I be about the fact that I can't be her boyfriend because I want to get with other yet to-be-determined girls?

A: More power to you for bulking up, muscle breau. A lot of dudes out there could learn a thing or two from you rather than ripping the bong and ordering delivery beer for dinner. Mainly because, as I can testify, you can do that shit in addition to being an active individual.

Anyways when it comes to opening up to your girl about this new bout of confidence, I would definitely air on the side of caution; and frankly I'd avoid revealing your true motives; aka moving up a rung in the sexy ladder and acquiring some new arm candy to match. Make it a clean break and then head to the races.

Q: There are hundreds of different deodorant scents, and it takes me way too long to pick one out when the time comes. Obviously chicks can smell bad b.o., but underneath the clothes, can chicks actually smell the deodorant scent? Does it matter?

A: Totally. They say smell is the strongest trigger of memory and if getting a whiff of an overwhelmingly familiar musk is any indication, its 100% accurate. Keeping that pit scent on lock, like a good cologne, can bring a girl to her knees. I love men's deodorant scents and am of the mindset that the stronger the better. There's nothing like borrowing your mans shirt and feeling quasi-mischievous for smelling like him all day. Axe of course, is an obvious but important exception to this rule. Never fucking use

Axe, now matter how many blowjobs the commercials claim it'll score you. They're all lying to you, and if you choose to believe them you're destined to remain in the body of a 17-year old boy and ultimately die alone.

You can say I'm exaggerating..but I dare you to test it, ya old axe spinster.

Q: I recently broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I would have ended it sooner, but I was too big of a pussy.

This last weekend we saw each other at a bar for the first time since I left and sure enough, we hooked up. All night. It was amazing, except that now my emotions are all fucked and I don’t even know what to think anymore, especially after our sappy-ass phone conversation earlier today.

I want her in my life and there are still some feelings but I don’t want to live with her again, or be in a committed relationship, or potentially even marry this girl. I don’t want it.

Given that we were already in a relationship, my question: can I suggest to her that we just hook up and nothing else, without coming off like a selfish, heartless prick?

Im worried that if I flat-out say 'Hey, I just wanna get some stank on my hang low' she'll just end everything entirely. So now I kinda just want to tell her what she wants to hear (aka bullshit); however it'd be nice for once to be honest about our “relationship”, so as to save her (or even me) the heartbreak later.

Would a girl with a broken heart be up for something like this?

A: I have a bad feeling that the aforementioned, “sappy-ass phone conversation” you involved yourself in earlier today is what we in the big leagues would refer to as a “rookie mistake.” You knowingly re-entered dicey territory; a place where the grounds are scattered with the messy remains of your emotional attachment– and the ground ahead of you is littered with hidden landmines of the shitstorm to come.

In case you dozed off as I just did, long story short – your sad-eyed lady of the lowlands is simply NOT going to be down for casually sharing your bed with other girls after two long years of her being the only one in it. And can you blame her? They don't say “you can't have your cake and eat it too” for no reason. It doesn't really sound like your hearts still in it, so don't fuck around with hers for the hell of it. Don't think that feeding her bullshit will benefit either party; you need to have a more honest conversation to rescind the sappy one, and procure this “stank on your hang low” after the fact.

Q: What do girls thing of gingers? I'm a ginger and I've run into a few problems from time to time getting girls because of it but at the same time I've had girls who love the sight of it. Are we a fetish? A curiosity? A bucket list? Lord knows we ain't normal.

A: Boy, lord knows you got that last part right. I think I've seen one or two fuckable fingers in my day..though I can't recall where or when..but I've definitely never let one in my pants, or explored theirs.

Firecrotches are kind of freaky. They're like a joke, but not since people really have them…and sort of taboo, but again sort of not, since people actually have them.. To be honest I heard they're going extinct. I can't actually back that up with any scientific research or evidence but I'll tell you that if procreation and the future of our world was placed in my (strong, yet graceful) hands, it would happen organically. I know some girls are into it, so yes; I guess you could classify it as a fetish if you so desire. Just isn't a fetish of my own.

Q: All mighty and knowledgeable babe,

What does it mean when a girl you are friends with but at least share some mutual attraction texts you and asks you to come “walk her home from the bar.” Keep in mind that there has never been any physical affection between us. Does she just want me to walk her back to her sorority house or does she want me to come pick her up and take her back to my place to perform our birth right? Thanks babe. Stay Classy.

A: What this move means, is that she's trying you on for size. 

More than that- you're getting interviewed.

She's toyed with the idea of letting you provide her with some body warmth before–mainly after five beers– and chances are tonight, she's had at least seven.
In conjunction with her BAC, her confidence is high. Sure the circumstances are unfortunate, but lets call a spade a spade here and just recognize it as an opportunity you might not otherwise have. Don't be too eager or aggressive. Meaning, don't attempt a makeout attack or invite yourself up. But the second she puts the offer on the table, snatch that shit up.

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