Life
by Fitz E Fresh on September 25, 2013

Q: I've been dating and living with a gorgeous girl for the past year and a half and our sexual life has been almost perfect, until suddenly 3 or 4 months ago our sexual life change dramatically to max once in a month. She said it was because she just didn't feel like doing it and it hurts her sometimes. I tried to fix it by taking her for a romantic dinner and after that we had sex but I couldn't even cum since she was so cold and “just didn't feel like doing it.” Any suggestions?

 

A: My suggestion comes straight from the mouth of one of the early culinary greats, Emeril Lagasse. Which is to say, “BOOM: kick it up a notch, motherfucker.”

Despite the fact that I may have added that ending part for effect, you should still digest the main course of this message- get her excited again. If mixing it up with some new sex toys, bedroom positions or enticing lingerie doesn't do the trick, there's something else going on. This “something else” is probably not in your favor– but finding out what it is definitely will be. Major emotional distress could be the culprit, in which case you need to talk things out. Find out what's going on in her mind/body/life that's causing her to have this jam up regarding getting down with you.

Another unfortunate option is that she's just over it and trying to hint subtly towards that point; letting the flame die out without dealing with cutting the tie with a pair of heavy duty scissors. In addition to the latter situation, if she's not getting it in with you, she could be doing so elsewhere. 

Like I said; these explanations pretty much suck for you. But if you don't get to the source of the sucking, shit will only get suckier. I know you kids would rather fuck without discussion but that's just not the way of the world. It's all, about, the dialogue.  

Q: Whats your view on taller guys? From my personal experience girls don't mind it at all but there's this 4'11 guy at my university that gets two 10's a night and says the only reason he does this is because of his height, and that a guy like me (about 6'4, 220) will never be able to do as much as him even though I'd say I've done alright with the ladies in the past. 

 

A: Well, this certainly is confusing. 

Girls 'don't mind' that you're tall, and are pining after the midget? Where do you go to school, the dwarf division of Hogwarts? I literally don't know one girl who isn't actively turned on by a guy with height on his side. 

Seriously though, 4'11″ is a legal midget. I googled that to make sure, so you know it's true. I also think that shorty is treating you to a good old-fashioned mind-fuck. 

Either this Smurf is packing heat that rivals Marky Mark circa Boogie Nights or secretly he's just a great listener with a penchant for painting nails and suffers from the most severe case of blue balls ever recorded. Frankly I'd like to see some cold hard evidence in the form of forgotten panties because this situation is simply confusing the hell out of me.

I dunno, the more time I spend answering this question the more I feel like a contestant on Ashton Kutcher's 2001 hit show Punk'd. Because this doesn't make sense. My one explanation is that his advantage could be seated in the weight department rather than height. 

If you're a husky 220 and he's weighing in closer to 165, he may be a little more cut than you; and god knows girls dig six packs. The main takeaway I'd like you to get here is, don't let the (little) man get you down. Homeboy literally has no right or grounds for that matter to declare his womanizing abilities superior to your own. So next time he tries that, tell him to shut the fuck up; and prove him wrong. 

Q: So babe, I am a gay bro and have had trouble meeting friends. I am somewhat insecure of myself because I don't particularly enjoy when people think I am gay due to the judgmental aspect. Anyways now I am a senior in college, and for the past 3 years I would basically hang out with my brother and his friends and go out with them. He graduated last Spring so I pretty much am out in the cold wilderness. I have been meeting guys on Grindr, a gay app, for friends/hook-ups. A kid I met thought I was a little rough around the edges which I can be, so we're no longer friends. So my questions are how to get over my insecurities, not say such radical things that turn guys off, and learn how to just go in for the kill and try and make friends regardless if they are a girl or guy??

 

A: I feel for you, gaybro. College is tough enough, what with having to fit the frat mold perfectly, and for you, that's a circle in a square. It's tough now but I will say that once you burst out of that college bubble your life will become infinitely less difficult.

I can't speak from direct personal experience as god gave me a vagina rather than man parts. But like you, I dig the dudes- so I'll bench my advice off of that similarity.

Regarding the radical things you say to those you're trying to entice..that's a pretty vague statement for simultaneously being so bold so its hard for me to tell you exactly how to tone it down. As a general statement, I'd feel okay telling you to go ahead and just…do less. Play it cool. Feel out situations before dictating how they go. Read and react to peoples personalities rather than forcing your own onto them.

As far as your insecurities go, that'll come with time, experience and acceptance. I'm terrible at math and even if I wasn't, I'd be unable to scratch down an equation that would solve that issue. 

In the friend department, you're clearly leaving some resources untapped. I mean, fucking gold mines. 

Girls.

Love.

Gay dudes.

This is a huge point of opportunity for you because once you establish yourself amongst a group of ladies – and you will, as they'll be fawning over their diverse friend group – the straight dudes they surround themselves with will feel non-threatened by you and will let their guards down. Enter, new dude friends. Of course you'll always feel slightly different from the crowd on your campus. College breeds conformity in a sense, and you are at your core different. Don't neglect that- embrace it. From that point, things should flow a lot more easily without having to over think them.

Q: Curious to hear your thoughts on this. There's a girl I go to university with who is pretty much right up my alley, and after interacting with her a bit I'm getting some good vibes. I asked her to get lunch at my place and she didn't even hesitate about saying yes – but now she's complaining that my apartment is “so farrrr” and doesn't want to trek from her house which is far away (She and I lack cars and public transit blows here). 

Basically, I am confused as to whether she's trying to play hard to get by moaning about coming to my apartment, or whether she is just trying to come up with an excuse because she has cold feet and feels like pulling my leg a bit. Thanks Babe.

 

A: Seems like a fairly harmless game of cat and mouse.

But…there could definitely be some uncertainty and second-guessing taking place under the covers.
Don't insist or beg her to come over, because that shit is annoying. 

But also don't forgo an offer to pick her up, or to meet her for dinner halfway between you two. Suggest alternatives and see how she reacts. Be flexible and somewhat persistent. This will help you to get a better gauge on how much of a shit she gives about you and if you are in fact just wasting days of your youth flexting her to come over. If its still “too far” or, “too difficult” she's fucking lazy and probably not that interested. 
Contrary to what they might want you to believe, if a girl wants to hang with a guy she's interested in, she's probably gonna drop some other plans in order to do so. Like, her sisters wedding. Issues involving distance or transportation can of course create exceptions, which is why I suggest you manipulate the situation to read her real feelings. Or, purchase a car.

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