Life
by Tolly Taylor on November 4, 2013

#1. Asked you out on LinkedIn: She didn’t have your phone number or email, so she decided to ask you out via LinkedIn. This should give some pause. If they met you, they should’ve asked you in person. If not, and they’re tracking you down through LinkedIn… yikes. Even Facebook or Twitter would be better. Yeah, it’s still pretty damn bad, but as least those are social networks. LinkedIn is for career networking—people connect for stuff like: career opportunities, job inquiries, and business deals. If the girl’s using it for dating, she’s doing it wrong.

#2. Loves NASCAR: No no no. Not OK. She can like badminton, cricket, or crew. She can only like shuffleboard. She can even not like any sports at all. But don’t love NASCAR. Don’t quote me Jimmie Johnson’s career stats like they’re comparable to Joe Montana’s. Or spend your one visit home at a NASCAR race. This should scare you, because it means she finds nothing interesting in the intricacy of football plays, the duels between pitcher and batter, or the fluidity of good basketball. She likes watching cars drive round-and-round a track 500 times.

#3. Loves Nickleback: Nickleback is the NASCAR of music. If (heaven help you) it's her favorite band, run. Or maybe don’t run; end things politely and keep things cordial. But it’s a deal breaker. Don’t lie to yourself, because you’ll end up at a Nickleback concert, also known as Hell.

#4. Chews with her mouth open: Not a whole lot to say here. I guess it might not be a big deal to you personally. Maybe you think you can get over it, or maybe it doesn’t even bother you. But what about when she eats in front of your friends and family down the line? Have to keep that in mind. If grandma don’t like her, ain’t nobody gonna like her.

#5. Cuts her pizza: OK, there’s one caveat for this one. If she’s cutting up deep-dish pizza because it’s just too big (nailed it!) or cumbersome, that's maybe fine. But if she’s using utensils for regular, stuffed crust, or (God forbid) thin crust pizza, that’s a big red flag. “C’mon,” you’ll think to yourself every time she eats it, “it’s pizza.” And you’re right. Doesn’t matter if you’re in Italy with her and everyone else is doing it, she better pick it up and eat it with her hands. Utensils and pizza are mortal enemies.

#6. Doesn’t like chocolate: Before you do anything rash, ask her if there’s some sort of mistake. Maybe she confused chocolate with kale. Maybe she only likes white chocolate, but not milk or dark. Maybe she’s allergic. But if she really doesn’t like any chocolate, that’s a big 10-4 on the red flag. Can you trust anyone who doesn't like chocolate?

#7. Only takes selfies: She's a selfie-taker! You’re in trouble. But all may not be lost. In this day and age, (nearly) everyone takes some selfies. Call it an epidemic. The question is: How strong a hold does it have on her? If her Facebook or Instagram is mostly selfies, you have your answer—she’s got it bad. You could try to break her of it, but I’ve seen grown men with rippling muscles fail time and again. In the words of Sean Connery in The Rock, “Godspeed, Goodspeed.”  

#8. Religious discrepancy: If one of you is really religious and the other isn’t, it’s almost definitely not going to work out. Period.

#9. Cheated on multiple boyfriends: If it’s only happened once, still be wary, but hear her out. If it’s only happened once, and she’s only dated one guy… that’s a relatively high percentage. But it’s your call. If she’s cheated more than once, consider that a red flag with bells and whistles, maybe with a foghorn attached on the side. Get out. Get out now.

#10. Doesn’t actually like guys: She doesn’t like men; she likes women. What’s the red flag? She doesn’t like you. Never will. You’re terrible at picking potential girlfriends, and it took you this long to realize it. Walk away.

Follow the author on Twitter: @TollyTaylor