You’re still in the game, no great athlete retires early, and those who do, realize the hell they’ve volunteered themselves for and attempt to make a comeback (re: Michael Jordan returning as number 45 and the infamous “I’m Back” press release). There is no reason to trade in the lax penny and doing whatever the f*ck you want for a Tommy Bahama and Saturdays at Home Depot deciding on what shade of yellow to paint the nursery.
Title Examples: “For the Day We Say I Do,” (note she is already using phrases like ‘we’ when she doesn’t even know who is the said ‘we’), “One Fine Day,” “Dream Wedding <3,” (note the use of emoticon here bro, you can count on a 3AM text containing ;) in the near future) “Wedding Ideas…” etc.
What’s Pinned: Color scheme, save the date cards, dresses, shoes, puppies carrying rings, centerpieces, rings, bridesmaid’s dresses, groomsmen bow tie colors, hairstyles venues, cakes, decorations and 1000s of other details that are as important to you as the WNBA.
Reasons for Concern: Wedding, aka a funeral to your carefree lifestyle which consisted of waking up in unknown territory still so drunk from the night before that you had to look at your slam piece’s mail to remember her name. Every bro knows the key element in happiness is spontaneity – the wedding is the famous final scene at which you exit the dance party.
Who She Is: A wedding pinner is a planner, and therefore the opposite of spontaneous and all things happy. She is the type of girl you go to brunch with and she is asking where the next date will be (even though the only reason you took her to brunch was so that she didn’t feel like just another ‘slam’). She wants plans and she wants them now. As a bro, you don’t know what you will be doing in an hour – probably something involving a ridiculous amount of alcohol consumption. Upon going to pound town with a wedding pinner, be cautious, and have a 5 bang max. After 5 times, she’ll be too invested and the ROI won’t be worth it. She can’t be that great and she’ll be mentally inserting you into wedding pics she is pinning, making sure you go with her color scheme, thinking of you while hashtagging pics of #cutecouples and she is not far from choosing your wedding song. Unless you’re ready for Unchained Melody, take this broad off the roster after a couple quick nights of fun. DO NOT spend the night, or take her on a date, you might as well propose and turn in your fun card, and be prepared for a doorstop drop by after 12 consecutive texts asking: “where are you?” “I want to see you.” Etc etc.
Title Examples: “Cute Things,” “For My Little Lady,” “Baby Boy,” “To Do With My Kids,” “Baby Stuff!!” “Kiddos” “When I’m A Mom” “When I Spoil My Baby” (if she has either one of the last 2 this last one delete that number now – not only is she wanting mother hood stat, the last one is her admittance to fiscal irresponsibility)
What’s Pinned: Baby clothes, baby crafts, pictures of babies in costumes, baby food, nursery ideas, songs for kids, baby books, “cute” pregnant looks (is there such thing?)
Reasons for Concern: Nothing kills the party and your bachelorhood like a baby. Ride over. Once a baby is in the mix there is no going back to your days of waking up to unfamiliar sheets, unsure of how you got there. As soon as a baby checks into the game you better be comfortable with seemingly intolerable levels of FOMO (fear of missing out) because while your boys are out on a Tuesday buying rounds of Jose Cuervo for a group of recent sorority grads, you’re reading Goodnight Moon for the 19th time in a week.
Who She Is: The babe who is pinning and pining over random internet babies is the same babe who is going to want you to go look at puppies with her on a Saturday so she can take an Instagram picture of them, and check you in to said activity – as an attempt to fence you in. Don’t let it happen, keep that saddle on and giddy up.
And bro always remember, if you thought 7 years back luck for breaking the mirror you do yip off of was bad luck, breaking a condom creates 18 years. Do not only buy her Plan B, watch her take it.
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Title Examples: “Health,” Health Make Up,” “Body Make Over,” “Weightloss Tips,” “Thinspiration,” “Thin to Win.”
What’s Pinned: Pictures of various toned areas, work out tips, work out quotes, athletic apparel, LuLulemon gear, pics of girls in bikinis, marathons she wants to run, healthy meals, etc.
Reasons for Concern: Of course bros love a babe that can twist like a pretzel because she has been keeping up with Bikram, but, think about it… if she spent half as much time at the gym as she does pinning about it, she’d probably already have those thighs she has 30 pics of.
Who She Is: Attention Whore. Must constantly be praised for completing basic life tasks, like keeping a hot bod, she’d probably gladly accept an award for going to the grocery store. Let’s face it while you’re at the gym, what are you training for? Life motherf*cker… No need to let the world know… it’s innate. Why the need to provide a road map as to how she achieved her bod, did you create a how-to about getting your washboard abs? (If you did, consider yourself a guido, not a bro). Does this chick want a medal or a monument? I don’t care if babes do 12 lines of blow to curve their appetite, lie in order to get an Adderall prescription or run 12 miles to get a bangable bod. In this case its not the journey, it’s the destination, and spare me the f*cking road map.
Title Examples: “Pretties,” “A Few of My Favorite Things,” “Style,” “Fashionista,” “We Be Styling,” ‘Style Project.”
What’s Pinned: Fashion, outfits, shoes, home decorating ideas, presents, jewelry, handbags, purses, diamonds.
Reasons for Concern: She gets images into her head that she wouldn’t even have known about 1 year ago, and expects these types of gifts – even if they are f*cking 1,500 Loubiton’s one-of-a kind. This is the “create this lifestyle and buy me this sh*t board.”
Who She Is: The nothing you do is every good enough because she’s living her life in accordance to a Disney movie she saw when she was 5 – still waiting on that Prince Charming. The internet has enabled her to see images and gestures that she would’ve never known about and therefore expects this lifestyle of Viking appliances and vacation homes in the Hamptons decorated to the nines. Nothing you do will ever be up to her “Pintrest” standards, but she does make a good wedding date. She’ll be nice arm candy. You’ll get some props and you keep her on the roster for that. She’s your “mom approved” piece.
Title Examples: “Word.” (an attempt to be ‘chill’ – real original), “Words to Life By,” “Love Quotes,” “My Favorite Sayings”,”Integrity,” “Destiny.”
What’s Pinned: Insprational quotes from internet nobodies and dead famous people alike, song lyrics, and of course “cleaver” sayings her girls have said.
Reasons for Concern: What choir is she preaching to? Why does she need so much encouragement on a daily basis? She might be posting song lyrics to reflect the “heartbroken” mood that you put her in by not calling her, which will trickle into her making status updates about you – be careful bro, you don’t wanna be taken to the SM forums.
Who She Is: Unoriginal, needy as f*ck babe with no backbone who lives off of what others tell her to do. Think about it, if she needs to reassure her life based upon what strangers say on the internet, think about what insecurity fires you’re going to be expected to put out. “Live life with no regrets,”…. two words: No. Sh*t. This babe will expect you to be her anxiety blanket while she is going through Sunday Morning regret. The next thing you know you are missing the Giants game because you’re trapped in cuddle town, even after you made her an Eggo and upon handing it to her pointed to the door and said “Leeegggooo”….don’t put yourself here, let her find some more strangers on Pintrest to tell her how to live. Note: If you go home with a broad and see the phrase “Live, Laugh, Loved.” Displayed anywhere in her room, get out of there like you just showed up for a baby shower at an abortion clinic.
In a sense broads have given you a cheat sheet has to what level of crazy they are (fun crazy or pure bat shit), so you can be thankful for that. Rule of thumb: Babes always try to make their lives seem better on SM forums than they are in real life – it’s their fantasy league, enter the game with caution.
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