She might say she isn’t looking for anything serious, but her Pintrest board(s) tells a different story. Here she has detailed every phase of her life from Weddings to Babies to growing old together – and bro, you aren’t tall enough for that ride.
You’re still in the game, no great athlete retires early, and those who do, realize the hell they’ve volunteered themselves for and attempt to make a comeback (re: Michael Jordan returning as number 45 and the infamous “I’m Back” press release). There is no reason to trade in the lax penny and doing whatever the f*ck you want for a Tommy Bahama and Saturdays at Home Depot deciding on what shade of yellow to paint the nursery.
Title Examples: “For the Day We Say I Do,” (note she is already using phrases like ‘we’ when she doesn’t even know who is the said ‘we’), “One Fine Day,” “Dream Wedding <3,” (note the use of emoticon here bro, you can count on a 3AM text containing ;) in the near future) “Wedding Ideas...” etc.
What’s Pinned: Color scheme, save the date cards, dresses, shoes, puppies carrying rings, centerpieces, rings, bridesmaid’s dresses, groomsmen bow tie colors, hairstyles venues, cakes, decorations and 1000s of other details that are as important to you as the WNBA.
Reasons for Concern: Wedding, aka a funeral to your carefree lifestyle which consisted of waking up in unknown territory still so drunk from the night before that you had to look at your slam piece’s mail to remember her name. Every bro knows the key element in happiness is spontaneity – the wedding is the famous final scene at which you exit the dance party.
Who She Is: A wedding pinner is a planner, and therefore the opposite of spontaneous and all things happy. She is the type of girl you go to brunch with and she is asking where the next date will be (even though the only reason you took her to brunch was so that she didn’t feel like just another ‘slam’). She wants plans and she wants them now. As a bro, you don’t know what you will be doing in an hour – probably something involving a ridiculous amount of alcohol consumption. Upon going to pound town with a wedding pinner, be cautious, and have a 5 bang max. After 5 times, she’ll be too invested and the ROI won’t be worth it. She can’t be that great and she’ll be mentally inserting you into wedding pics she is pinning, making sure you go with her color scheme, thinking of you while hashtagging pics of #cutecouples and she is not far from choosing your wedding song. Unless you’re ready for Unchained Melody, take this broad off the roster after a couple quick nights of fun. DO NOT spend the night, or take her on a date, you might as well propose and turn in your fun card, and be prepared for a doorstop drop by after 12 consecutive texts asking: “where are you?” “I want to see you.” Etc etc.
Title Examples: “Cute Things,” “For My Little Lady,” “Baby Boy,” “To Do With My Kids,” “Baby Stuff!!” “Kiddos” “When I’m A Mom” “When I Spoil My Baby” (if she has either one of the last 2 this last one delete that number now – not only is she wanting mother hood stat, the last one is her admittance to fiscal irresponsibility)
What’s Pinned: Baby clothes, baby crafts, pictures of babies in costumes, baby food, nursery ideas, songs for kids, baby books, “cute” pregnant looks (is there such thing?)
Reasons for Concern: Nothing kills the party and your bachelorhood like a baby. Ride over. Once a baby is in the mix there is no going back to your days of waking up to unfamiliar sheets, unsure of how you got there. As soon as a baby checks into the game you better be comfortable with seemingly intolerable levels of FOMO (fear of missing out) because while your boys are out on a Tuesday buying rounds of Jose Cuervo for a group of recent sorority grads, you’re reading Goodnight Moon for the 19th time in a week.
Who She Is: The babe who is pinning and pining over random internet babies is the same babe who is going to want you to go look at puppies with her on a Saturday so she can take an Instagram picture of them, and check you in to said activity – as an attempt to fence you in. Don’t let it happen, keep that saddle on and giddy up.
And bro always remember, if you thought 7 years back luck for breaking the mirror you do yip off of was bad luck, breaking a condom creates 18 years. Do not only buy her Plan B, watch her take it.
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