Father’s Day is that one time of year when we all take a moment to thank our long suffering dads for putting up with our bullshit. Rather than doing that by just giving him yet another lame tie or coffee mug like you’re still six-years-old, how about something different this year? How about letting your dad know that he’s not just your dad, but the best goddamn bro you know. If you need some help, just let this be your guide, and by the time you’re through reading you’ll know why your dad is indeed the best bro of them all.
He’s An OG Bro
Your dad ran the bro game back in the day. Before he was tamed by your mom, your dad was doing the same wild shit you were doing, only he was probably doing it better. That’s because you’re just copying him and his bros. He’s the one who probably invented half the shit you do. You don’t want your dad coming out of retirement to humble and humiliate you in beer pong, because he totally would and deep down, you know it. Don’t mess with your dad, man. He was the king before you were even shitting in your diapers.
He Taught You The Game
Think about it. Who was your first bro? I mean, before you even knew what friends were. That’s right, it was your dad. He’s the ultimate example in your life of how to be a man. Whether it was teaching you how to tie your first necktie, showing you how to shave without fucking up your face like a horror movie victim, or just living like a boss while you watched in awe, your dad is the one who gave you the tools to survive and thrive as a bro. Sure, you probably used those tools to vomit up vodka at 3AM last Saturday, but somehow, someway, your dad probably taught you how to deal with that too, like Mr. Miyagi teaching Daniel-san karate by making him wax his cars. You just didn’t know it.
He Boned Your Mom
Look, I know this is kind of unpleasant to think about, but that is a big boss move. Your dad is the original MILF Hunter. No matter what you do, he’s always got the ultimate trump card. Beat him one on one in driveway basketball? “Good one, kid, but remember: I banged your mom.” Get that big promotion at a younger age than he did? “I banged your mom.” Win the lottery and marry a supermodel who loves beer and football? “I banged your mom.” It is the ultimate checkmate, unless of course you bang his mom, but that might be a little awkward for everyone involved.
He’s Seen It All
Your dad has been around a looooong time. He’s like the Yoda of the bro game. There’s not much out there that’s going to take him by surprise. This means that no matter what goes down in your life, you can always turn to him and he’ll know what to do. Chances are he’s been there, and if not, he probably has a bro who’s had to deal with it. Never underestimate how valuable it is to have a wise old bro in your life, especially when that wise old bro loves you unconditionally.
He’s Always Got Your Back
Yeah, that unconditional love thing is pretty cool, man. No matter what dumb bullshit you get yourself into, your dad will always be there to help you out. He’s the biggest ride or die bro you’ll ever know. He’s not going to ditch you at 2AM and leave you without a ride outside a club because he had a 9% chance of getting laid. No, your dad is the bro who will come pick you up even though it’s a three-hour drive from his place. Sure, he’ll call you an idiot, but he’s still there, and that’s a goddamn bro.
He Likes Your Shitty Gifts
Okay, “likes” might be too strong a word here, but no matter what piece of crap gift you get your dad, he’s going to smile at you, thank you and tell you how much he likes it. That’s because your dad loves you, man. And he knows that you love him, and really, that’s all that matters to him. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true. It’s hard to truly disappoint your dad because he wants to be proud of you, and you can mess up over and over and over again, and he’ll always forgive you. Whether it’s a shitty gift or a shitty life decision, your dad is still going to love you and he’s still going to be the best bro you could ever hope to have.
He Made You In His Balls
Your dad fuckin’ made you in his balls. Before anything, before you even became a fertilized egg, some tiny part of you was just a little minnow-looking bro swimming around in your dad’s sack. You exist because your dad got horny and started producing mutant levels of super-sperm, and you were the strongest swimmer of the bunch. Think about it – that means that you are literally the best part of your dad. Out of all the millions of little jizz monsters he produced, you were the one who won the game. And your dad is the one who made that all happen. He literally invented you with his dick. Now that is a bro power move.
He’s Your Dad
The thing about dads is that no matter what happens, no matter what choices either one of you make, no matter how often you clash or fight or don’t understand each other, he’s still your dad. That’s something that can never change. He will always be your dad, and he will always love you. He will always be the one who showed you how to be a man, he will always be the one who’s got your back when nobody else does, and he’ll always be the one who wants, more than anyone else, to see you succeed and win the goddamn game.
You can take all of your bros, put them all together and still not come anywhere close to your dad. He’s the first bro you’ll ever know, and when you’re an old bro, whether you think about it or not, everything you do will be because of the example he set for you. He’s your dad, and really, that says it all.
Dad and son image by Shutterstock