Life
by Brian Killen on January 10, 2013

Due to recent cab experiences over the holidays I felt obligated to write this. Out of all my friends I am known as the guy who always starts shit with my cab driver, which of course, makes him hate us. I never go out of my way to be an asshole but I do think cab companies and the people driving them are both bullshit. Yes, you do come across a few cool cab drivers that will talk to you about some awesome shit, such as: their lives in college/the 80’s/ pre-cab-driver-douche-days, how he watched a Bro bang out some dime piece where you and your friends are currently sitting in the back seat, or he will redirect you to a bar with an amazing girl to guy ratio with no cover charge.

If your cab driver doesn’t bring up one of those three things (or something similar), there’s a great chance he’s going to hate you, your friends and life itself.

….and this is why:

You’re The Boss
Since you’re telling him where to go, you are his boss and even though he is operating the vehicle you’re in — he is there to service YOU. That being said, cab drivers hate when you direct them to your destination especially when they insist on taking a “short cut” (in hopes to get lost and run the meter until everyone in the cab is broke). Also, since you’re the boss this means you can pretty much do whatever you want even though your cab driver doesn’t allow it, this includes:

1. Drinking beers and smoking cigarettes
2. Packing out his cab with too many people
3. Changing the radio station and/or volume
4. Singing to songs on the radio
5. Asking what country he’s from
6. Having sex in the back seat (will go into further detail)
7. Negotiating the price after it’s been settled
8. Etc. etc. etc.

Eavesdropping Jealousy
Cab drivers love to eavesdrop (yes it is spelled correctly). This is what brings them excitement to their poor little lives. Throughout college, I had to deal with a cabbie whose only goal in life was to over hear the conversations girls had while they were taking a cab to and from the bars. He chimed in every once in a while and gave advice and input to before you know it he was telling these girls not to mack it with us ‘college guys’ because he was jealous of all of great stories we were apart of. I went to a small school but this is my example I’m sure some Bros can relate to it and next time you’re in a cab make sure to embellish the shit out of a story you’re telling your friends so you can make the cab driver even more jealous of our awesome lives.

You’re Getting More Ass Than Him
He knows it, you know it and he has to see it every weekend…while he’s working. It probably gives them something to put in there spank bank so I’m sure they don’t mind too much but after a while this shit must get annoying. They’re never going to tell you to stop bumpin uglies with your bitch in the back seat but they will tell you to stop as soon as you arrive at your destination — stern but fair.

Being An Overall Asshole
If you are reading this and you are a Bro (or in this case any male American citizen in a major city) you can easily relate to any of the things that were already mentioned in this article. You will also continue to relate to the rest of the things mentioned beyond this paragraph but right now that is not the point. Being an overall asshole is what will set him off the most. The mindset upon entering a taxi cab before or after a night out at the bar is to be an asshole to the cab driver because of alcohol, good old fashioned fun, OR you really are just an asshole. Either way your driver is going to hate you for your assholeness unless you do one of two things: One, admit your assholeness and see how he takes it (you never know it might actually give him some entertainment and they can laugh it off). Two, they continue to hate you so get ready for the fireworks because it’s time for…

Their Threats vs. Your Threats
This is the shit that is brought up first thing the next day when you’re with your friends. Example:

Bro 1: “He threatened to kick us out of the cab last night”
Bro 2: “What the fuck did I say to him???”
Bro 1: “You threatened to slap him with your dick”
Bro 2: “No I didn’t…that’s awesome”

Cabbie: “Poke me again and I’m calling the police”
Bro: “While you’re at it call your wife and tell her I’m coming home”
Cabbie: “fojaf ddurkaa fhaodfhd dddurkaa “
Bro: “…to bang her out without a condom again”

Threats are called threats because they are things that are said and never actually done. We think they are funny while cab drivers THINK they are serious. We laugh while they cry on the inside. We make great stories from them while they have nightmares. It’s pretty much basic science.

The Concluding Factor: The Tip
This is what it all comes down to. If you have gotten to this point then this is the reason your cab driver has put up with all the bullshit you have put him through. Every destination, meter and cab ride is different but either way they will always expect a tip. He will hate you if you give him a shitty tip and he will hate you even more if you’re discussing his shitty tip loud enough for him to hear it. If he is that fed up he might just drive away. If that happens, you my friend, have had a successful cab ride. 

Honorable Mention
Puking/Bleeding/Love Stains in the backseat
Doing what this guy did to his cab driver

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  • EyesWideOpen

    I hope you get into my taxi on some random day. I’ve seen plenty of sad people just like you bouncing from bar to bar unaware of the world around you. Ignorance is part of being human, stupidity is a practiced art and looked on as a badge of honer to morons and idiots.
    I would never tell anyone that I was going to slap them with my dick and a cab driver at that. Let’s stop and look at how truly stupid that was.
    •1. Do you have any idea at all who is driving you?
    Not only do you have no idea who is driving you but chances are nobody knows your in that cab. I would slam both your thumbs in the door then I would leave your thumbless ass standing on the side of the road. Why? Because stupidity is contagious and must be stopped.