Wednesday night isn't just Thanksgiving Eve, it is also one of the most anticipated and celebrated bar nights of the entire year. But you probably already knew that. And you probably already know that throughout the year there are other nights filled with more preposterous acts and bigger parties; but the unique spectacle that is the night before Thanksgiving is truly an event all its own. The key to feeling the full effects of its majesty, however, lies in celebrating it where you grew up, because that's the only acceptable way to do it.
When else can you participate in a gigantic, unorganized high school reunion? In fact, what other time of year can you even go back to your hometown, post-high school graduation, and go out knowing full well that every person you ever loved, loathed, and finger-blasted on field-trip bus rides will be out? The answer to both questions is obviously "a friend's funeral," but that's fucked up, so forget I ever said that. Point is, not even during winter break do the stars align like they do on Wednesday night.
The night is furnished with never-ending rounds of shots, awkward conversations, sexual advances, and unencumbered bliss. It is a time to reunite and relive. The next day you'll be giving thanks that you left this one-horse town, but you'll also be thankful that you were present for the best bar night of the year... in your hometown anyway. And here are 10 reasons why.
10. There are no excuses to not go out.
Chances are that you have absolutely nothing to do the next day. You don't even have to worry about feeding yourself, that's hopefully already taken care of. Thanksgiving Day is as close to being brain dead as most men could ever get. While the old maid that you call your mother is in the kitchen whipping together a regal feast, you and the other boys in the house get to sit on the couch, pass gas, mouth breath, and watch football.
9. Most of your high school friends will be in town.
The night before Thanksgiving is an ideal time for a blackout session with your best friends from home — at least those who aren't estranged from their parents. Don't be a pussy and stay in because you're tired from the drive or flight home. You can always masturbate to that scrapbook your high school girlfriend made you tomorrow.
8. The return of the classic pre-game in your parents' basement.
While pre-gaming, nostalgia is going to be at an all-time high. You're back with your brothers, brews are flowing at break-neck speeds, and everyone is swapping tales from college trying to one-up the previous guy. Everything is going great, but then something that will continue to haunt your circle of friends for the rest of your lives happens. One of your friends will officially become the guy who loves talking about the past. He will resort to the lowest form of conversation, "Remember when…" Sadly, he won't bring up crazy parties or fun times had by all, but rather, his lackluster high school football achievements. But it's fucking Thanksgiving Eve, and all will be forgiven when he's the first to pass out, you all take turns pissing in his ear canal.
7. Everyone you ever hated from high school will be out.
If you are anything like me (I've been called "socially anti-social"), you will give the performance of a lifetime trying to avoid all the douche bags you don't want to talk to. Your efforts and sweat, however, will be fruitless. Ultimately, you will be forced into "catching up" with at least one of these idiots. I don't know how you can make the most of this moment. It sucks so goddamn bad. You can probably start by insulting them with factual information, "Wow, you still live here? That is amazing, I could never comeback here. Wait! AND you're a manager at Langan's Car Wash? Good for you, man."
6. You get to see who went to shit.
It is always such a pleasure to see whose body had turned into a goddamn waste dump, isn't it? I've asked girls how they've felt about this as well, and they fucking love seeing it, too. I mean, of course they do: no one knows spite quite like a chick does. Sure it may only be a few (almost unnoticeable) pounds her freshman year, but by Thanksgiving Eve on your senior year of college, the old prom queen's midsection could be the star of the BBW classic, "Forrest Gunt."
5. Younger girls will be out and they will still want you.
These chicks will forever see you as the same upperclassmen they swooned over in the hallway. You were Johnny fuckin' Touchdown back then; the upperclassman who had it all going for him — big-dick rumors, a crazy full head of hair, EVERYTHING. So if you haven't lost a step or drastically changed, the odds are in your favor that you can still stuff one of these birds.
4. This is your chance to see who re-invented themselves in college.
College and post-grad is often a time for reinvention so it is a certainty that AT LEAST TWO of the people from your high school did a complete 180 from the last time you saw them. They were also likely losers and not a part of your group of friends, but God willing, both of these people will have gotten a sex change and wind up fucking each other on this very night.
3. You'll fuck your ex-girlfriend from high school.
Even if both of you moved on and are in other relationships, you will fuck for at least the next two years when you see each other. You will also have finally convinced her that sodomy is a good idea. When you do it — in your best friend's parents' laundry room — she will have second thoughts because you can't seem to get it in without spitting on her. Then, when she becomes fed up with trying, she will trip over an entire box of kitty litter as she runs to the bathroom to wipe the gobs of spit off her ass.
2. An opportunity to act like an idiot in front of someone's parents at 4 a.m.
This also happens to be a perfect segue from number 3: So after your failed attempt to fuck your ex-girlfriend's ass in the laundry room, your best pal's mom will be awoken from all the ruckus and come downstairs to see if everything is O.K. When she arrives in the laundry room she will be overcome with a combination of horror and disgust as she witnesses you, NEKKED on your hands and knees, cleaning up kitty litter and cat shit while your tight-assed ex-girlfriend is in the corner crying because all this pleasure you're giving her is a stark reminder of the love you once shared. Then, out of respect for your friend's mother, and sheer drunkenness, you will cover your junk with your left hand, and reach out your right hand to shake hers as if to say "Hi, great to see you again. Things down here are just fine, go the fuck back to bed." She'll leave you hanging and then go and call your mother. Just like she did that time you vomited all over her bathroom in high school.
1. No matter what sins you committed, or what you did or did not do in that laundry room, you get to leave town in three days.
Hopefully by the time you return home for Christmas, your little asshole excursion debacle will be long forgotten. But chances are you will just avoid your best friend's house for the next few years altogether.
Follow J.Camm on Twitter, where he will spend his Thanksgivng Eve this year.