Wednesday night isn't just Thanksgiving Eve, it is also one of the most anticipated and celebrated bar nights of the entire year. But you probably already knew that. And you probably already know that throughout the year there are other nights filled with more preposterous acts and bigger parties; but the unique spectacle that is the night before Thanksgiving is truly an event all its own. The key to feeling the full effects of its majesty, however, lies in celebrating it where you grew up, because that's the only acceptable way to do it.
When else can you participate in a gigantic, unorganized high school reunion? In fact, what other time of year can you even go back to your hometown, post-high school graduation, and go out knowing full well that every person you ever loved, loathed, and fingered on field-trip bus rides will be out? The answer to both questions is obviously "a friend's funeral," but that's f*cked up, so forget I ever said that. Point is, not even during winter break do the stars align like they do on Wednesday night.
The night is furnished with never-ending rounds of shots, awkward conversations, sexual advances, and unenc*mbered bliss. It is a time to reunite and relive. The next day you'll be giving thanks that you left this one-horse town, but you'll also be thankful that you were present for the best bar night of the year... in your hometown anyway. And here are 10 reasons why.
10. There are no excuses to not go out.
Chances are that you have absolutely nothing to do the next day. You don't even have to worry about feeding yourself, that's hopefully already taken care of. Thanksgiving Day is as close to being brain dead as most men could ever get. While the old maid that you call your mother is in the kitchen whipping together a regal feast, you and the other boys in the house get to sit on the couch, pass gas, mouth breath, and watch football.
9. Most of your high school friends will be in town.
The night before Thanksgiving is an ideal time for a blackout session with your best friends from home — at least those who aren't estranged from their parents. Don't be a p*ssy and stay in because you're tired from the drive or flight home. You can always masturbate to that scrapbook your high school girlfriend made you tomorrow.
8. The return of the classic pre-game in your parents' basement.
While pre-gaming, nostalgia is going to be at an all-time high. You're back with your brothers, brews are flowing at break-neck speeds, and everyone is swapping tales from college trying to one-up the previous guy. Everything is going great, but then something that will continue to haunt your circle of friends for the rest of your lives happens. One of your friends will officially become the guy who loves talking about the past. He will resort to the lowest form of conversation, "Remember when…" Sadly, he won't bring up crazy parties or fun times had by all, but rather, his lackluster high school football achievements. But it's f*cking Thanksgiving Eve, and all will be forgiven when he's the first to pass out, you all take turns pissing in his ear.
7. Everyone you ever hated from high school will be out.
If you are anything like me (I've been called socially anti-social), you will give the performance of a lifetime trying to avoid all the douche bags you don't want to talk to. Your efforts and sweat, however, will be fruitless. Ultimately, you will be forced into "catching up" with at least one of these idiots. I don't know how you can make the most of this moment. It sucks so goddamn bad. You can probably start by insulting them with factual information, "Wow, you still live here? That is amazing, I could never comeback here. Wait! AND you're a manager at Langan's Car Wash? Good for you, man."
6. You get to see who went to shit.
It is always such a pleasure to see whose body had turned into a f*cking waste dump, isn't it? I've asked girls how they've felt about this as well, and they f*cking love seeing it, too. I mean, of course they do: no one knows spite quite like a b*tch does. Sure it may only be a few (almost unnoticeable) pounds her freshman year, but by Thanksgiving Eve on your senior year of college, the old prom queen's midsection could be the star of the BBW classic, "Forrest Gunt."