Life
by Jared Freid on August 9, 2012

As of 2012 the Bro population was estimated at “a whole butt-load” by the Dudes of America Coalition. This number also includes those who consider themselves Bros, which means the “whole butt-load” number is completely inflated by losers with no friends.

Contents
1. Name and etymology
2. Origins
3. Hobbies
4. Cultural Tastes
5. Food and drink preferences
6. Bromance
7. Popped collars
8. Chicks
9. Notable Individuals
10. References
11. External links


NAME AND ETYMOLOGY

The name “Bro” comes from the word “Brother.” This is due to the fraternal bond among the group. Bros believe that they are all family, unless one Bro is “totally gay,” then he’s “Not my Bro, Bro.” When James Michael Buford III was asked what Bro meant he responded via text by explaining:

“Bro means whatever the f*ck I want.”

The word “Bro” is more of a cultural exploration than something that can be directly translated.

ORIGINS

The beginnings of Bro culture are vague at best. A fabled tale has been told amongst Bros of a Rwandan summer sailing excursion crashing onto the Carolina coast. One of the Rwandan children was only dressed in a mesh penny, neon shorts, a snap back hat, and high top sneakers (untied). This Rwandan went by the name “Bruschi” and impregnated all of the women on the ship. It is said that his spawn went on to be the “best at everything” including “chick smashing” (a term for having sexual relations with a good looking girl). Bruschi and his children ate all of the red meat in the forest and eventually started the beach community that today is called Key West, Florida. It is said his descendants still live there today and “run sh*t.”

HOBBIES

Crushing. The Bro crushes generally anything. Whether it be cans, shots, pictures of him and his other Bros on the beach, windows of his Ex-girlfriend’s car as she pulls away, dime-pieces (see “Hot Bitches”), slam-pieces (see “Nothing to Brag About Bitches”), Hipsters (see “Pussies”), or empty bags of potato chips, EVERYTHING gets metaphorically and literally “crushed.”

CULTURAL TASTES

The tastes of the Bro range wildly in music, but a “sweet beat” that gets the ladies “grinding” is in their wheelhouse. A song that seems “totally gay” at first then becomes ironically good because of its “gayness” then becomes actually good and its gayness is forgotten hits with the Bro the hardest. (i.e. Carly Rey Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe,” or The Darkness’ “I Believe In A Thing Called Love”). They are also known for liking “anything that can make crushing weights in the gym easier,” which can range from heavy metal to the orchestral accompaniment to the movie “Rudy.” It must be noted that the time of day and weather directly influence the Bro and his taste for music. Eighty degrees and sunny brings the country music (i.e. Zach Brown Band), 2 AM and club lights gives way to any type of music that can give a person a seizure, and fifty degrees and raining means no music and instead silence to listen to the simplicity of raindrops on the hard steel of an empty keg.

As for TV and Movies, Bros stick to the old school favorites from the 90s while also endearing themselves to any character who “Kicks ass” and “takes names.” While the “chick flick” is universally hated in Bro culture, it is specifically understood that when trying to “bone” that “it is what it is” and social embarrassment is endured in an effort “to get that V.” The movie Love Actually is the only exception to this mindset since it’s described as “awesome but not in a gay way” by most Bros.

FOOD AND DRINK PREFERENCES

The Bro enjoys a relatively healthy diet that is rich in protein. Lean chicken breast, steak, and protein shakes are staples of the diet so that he can keep to his “no fat chicks” policy. At night the Bro will splurge on foods like pizza and cocaine.

Bros drink a considerable amount of water to stay hydrated for “all of the boning.” They also favor any light beer that can easily be drank out of a beer bong or the side of a can within 3 seconds. Natural Light (or “Fratty Light” or “Natty”) is a favorite among Bros for the simple fact that it’s cheap and won’t stain a collared shirt and the smell reminds them of the time during pledging they “almost got with that chick but blacked out instead.”

As for liquor, the Bro is a shot taker. He will exude his need for shots by one of two methods: punching another Bro’s shoulder and yelling “shots” as loud as possible or by singing the chorus to LMFAO’S hit single “Shots.” The preferred liquor is Jameson (also known as “Jay-Mo” or “Slay Juice” or “Frat Juice”.)

BROMANCE

The Bromance is the friendship that evolves between two Bros who consider themselves equally as awesome (but not really) in a hetero relationship. It involves complimenting one another constantly and slapping one another’s butts before making a play on the field of life or after a great play on said field.
The first recorded bromance was between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. It ended in a duel that killed Alexander Hamilton, which has been described by Bros as a “totally awesome way to die.”

Typical bromance activities include getting a “sweet burn” at the gym, fist bumping, shopping for plaid shorts, wearing matching boat shoes, and never boating. It can't be stressed enough that these are completely heterosexual relationships which can best be described by Chad Michael Lawson via text:

“I wouldn’t f*ck my Bros with your dick”

Notable Bromances: Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, Anyone that is friends with Brody Jenner, Jay-Z and Kanye West.

POPPED COLLAR

The popped collar is described by Bros as a fashion choice that clues chicks into the fact that they “should be and will be wet.” Hitting its apex in 2003, the trend got turned upside down when Bros added another polo shirt underneath creating the “double popped collar.” This addition created a legitimate dispute within the Bro culture that still stands today.

Though the trend has died down in recent years, it is fondly remembered by Bros and their “Bitches” alike as “the best.” Not to be confused with everything else bros have done or will ever do.

CHICKS

The Bro prefers a chick who looks like Kate Upton. He consider her the top of the chart thanks to her larger breasts and her enjoyment in showing them in low cut shirts. The Bro has a “no fat chicks” policy but will break that policy if he is “totally hammered.”

The girlfriend of a Bro rolls her eyes at his antics multiple times a day but enjoys the fact that he regularly pays for shots and doesn’t get too caught up in the future. This pattern persists until the age of 24, when these girls go for the older Bros who have slowed down their “meaty ways” to once a week.

“Bros before hoes” is a motto of the Bro culture. That is, unless she’s totally hot and into anal play. Then the saying changes to, “Hoes who are into butt stuff before Bros who I’ll tell about it the next day.”

NOTABLE INDIVIDUALS

Bill Clinton – Achievements in “Oval Office Dome.”

George W. Bush – Achievements in “not giving a sh*t.”

Stewart Scott – Achievements in giving Bros “cool black stuff to say that even white Bros can enjoy”

Anyone Who Looks Hateable But Is Definitely Boning Regularly – Achievements in being awesome.

Alexander Graham Bell – Achievements in creating technology for when a Bro poops.

REFERENCES

Ask anyone who considers themselves “awesome looking.”

EXTERNAL LINKS

www.brobible.com,

www.playboy.com,

www.wholefoods.com,

www.gnc.com,

www.brooksbrothers.com,

www.horseandhound.com,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_Actually,

www.lacoste.com,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iPFK5T_G3U, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZ7ZpLgkVxA

Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more fake Wikipedia pages.