Shakespeare was full of it. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but if the flower’s name was Buttpetal, it probably wouldn’t have become the symbol of love. Names are important and people’s names are the MOST IMPORTANT. If you have a stupid name, your life likely sucks. If you have an awesome name, your life is probably full of success of foie gras.
Today, we begin the first of what promises to be a long-running series in which we arbitrarily rank a name. It promises to be a fun and completely inconsequential endeavor.
The Name: Billings Learned Hand
Who Am I: I’m Learned Fucking Hand, that’s who I am. I was a United States judge and helped shape laws in ways you couldn’t even imagine. My thoughts have been quoted by more judges in the past 100 years than I can count. I’m from the time when men were men, I’ll tell you that much. I’m legally considered a badass.
Why Is This My Name: My family used surnames as first times. We were so progressive. We lived in Upstate New York and not in Brooklyn, which is a real shocker.
What Else Should You Know About Me: I didn’t believe in God, and I am dead. Guess what? There’s no hell. Choke on that, suckers.
BroBible Rates This Name: 9/10. You don’t get to be the first Rate My Name subject if your name is Erik Williams or William Erikson or anything like that. This name has a rugged masculinity – like your eyebrows – that is hard to ignore.
Should You Name Your Children This Name: No, unless you really want to encourage masturbation.