This Raccoon Who Found His Way Into A Beer Distributor Is 100% Hammered, Like For Real

Remember those times when you were a kid (or like 2 months ago) when you’d have your boys over to get drunk and someone has the brilliant idea to get your pooch a little tipsy? We’ve all done it. Dogs are chill AF and would probably prefer a cold one over water every now and then. But then the dog takes one sip and walks away and you document its actions for the rest of the night to see if it had an effect. “Dude! he just jumped onto the couch to lay down! He’s DEFINITELY fucked up!” Nah bro, I’m pretty sure the carpet-to-couch thing is just like 80% of a dog’s life. So then you blow a little weed smoke in Scruffy’s face and monitor him to see how stoned he is. “BRO, he’s so into this Planet Earth documentary right now! And his eyes look glossy as fuck dude!” He’s blind, Dan. My dog is blind.

But here we have it: an animal completely shitcocked. No questions asked. No speculation. No “but maybe”‘s. This coon is about one sip away from texting his ex. 100% shooting off a “what happened to us?” text before night’s end. This little fucker is going to go back to his coon family and be like “DuuUuUUUdddddeSSS$. yO. I THiiinK i Mayyy BEEZ Onto SUMMMMPIN.” Wouldn’t be surprised if by summers end, we have coons all over the country breaking into beer distributors getting piss drunk. We’ll be playing beer pong with rodents by 2018. You heard it here first.


[H/T Barstool]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.