Valentine’s Day is confusing for Dudes. It’s like watching a really hot porno where the big reveal is that “she” is a “he” and you resolve to clearing your browser history forever. It’s VERY confusing. What if you’ve gone on a couple of dates with a girl and only climaxed from the dry humping? Do you get her flowers? A card? What if you and this chick’s relationship only exists between the hours of 12am and 8am (what I call the “third shifters”)? Do you get her chocolates? A papier mache heart? We know that Valentine’s Day matters to girls and we know we have to acknowledge it’s existence no matter how much it hurts. But there’s no CVS commercial about the guy who has banged a chick four times and the first time wasn’t that great but that third time you rocked it and you’re not really sure where it all stands. Well, J-Train is here to help. Below is a quiz. It’s like the one’s girls take in Cosmo except way less gay and totally straight (that-chick-who-was-actually-a-guy porno really has me twisted up inside). At the end you add up your score and it will tell you what you should do for Valentine’s Day. Good luck.
Have you frenched this chick in the past two weeks?
1 Point: No, we kind of kissed on the cheek.
2 Points: I frenched her clitoris...if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? I ate her out.
3 Points: Ya, everyday I sensually mouth-caress my future wife’s mouth. We are in love.
Have you been on multiple dates with this chick in the past month?
1 Point: Does it count if I masturbated to this chick’s Facebook profile?
2 Points: We went out once and now I’m trying to get her to meet me out late night. Dates aren’t cheap. Shots are more reasonable.
3 Points: EVERY Thursday is date night with my baby. We always try to get another couple involved but I think everyone hates that I call my baby, “My Baby” and our uninterrupted eye contact is distracting for “less-sure” couples.
If you were to introduce this chick to a person, which introduction would you most likely use?
1 Point: “Yo this is Stace-face, she’s whatever.”
2 Points: “Umm this is Rachel, she’s my friend thing something or another. Shots?”
3 Points: “Have you met Linda? The one true heiress to my heart of hearts?”
After you two hook up, you do the following:
1 Point: You mean “hook up” like in reality? We talked about the Facebook thing, right?
2 Points: I get up from the bed and tell her “that was awesome but I got stuff” then she walks me to the door and we talk about Family Matters for some reason.
3 Points: We cuddly until about nooners then we get brunch. What else is there to do after love making?
Her parent’s names are:
1 Point: I’m not sure but I know that they’re divorced thanks to the picture on Facebook where she was with two old people and one was tagged as “Mom” and the other was tagged as “Dan.”
2 Points: Mr and Mrs Sir and Ma'am
3 Points: John and Melissa. We speak every now and then.
When we go out, I:
1 Point: Yell “Yo take this Jay-Mo to your face! What? No, I didn’t put anything in it.”
2 Points: I get her a couple of drinks then talk to her friends to show that I can hang then I avoid her until I’m “cool guy” drunk and can’t feel my dong enough to last at least 15 minutes.
3 Points: Find a bar that has board games!
It’s Tuesday night, your Buddy say’s “Yo lets go to the strip club!” The answer you would most likely give:
1 Point: “But I already got a hooker!”
2 Points: “I’m in, but no pictures.”
3 Points: “But what would John and Melissa think?”
What would be your ideal dinner date?
1 Point: Anything. Really.
2 Points: Maybe a bar, with, like eighteen of my buddies. Some tots, maybe.
3 Points: Dave & Buster’s with the orphans we mentor. We want kids.
ADD UP YOUR SCORE AND PLAN YOUR VALENTINE’S DAY ACCORDINGLY
8-11 Points: Any girl that could get a hypothetical Valentine’s Day gift from you isn’t expecting one. I’d recommend avoiding it, unless you really want to creep someone out. Valentine’s day should be your greatest day. The “Galentine’s Day” (yes this is a real name that single girls use for a Valentine’s Day with their ladies) groups that are out are like Bachelorette parties without a girl getting married. This means no judgement, no puking girl they have to take care of, and they don’t want plastic penis straws they want the real thing (but probably smaller and less vien-ey). This is your day sir, all responsibility is off the table, enjoy it while you can.
12-17 Points: You’re dating someone. I’m sorry you had to come to BroBible to find this out but I’ll give you a second to breathe and push the penis out that just went inside of your body. Is it back? Are you doing ok? Good.
There is a girl out there that’s expecting something and she isn’t THAT insane to feel that way. I’m not saying you need to take her out or make her your bride but you need to acknowledge the day exists and make some kind of effort. Also, keep in mind, you may have NO IDEA what you’ve said to her while drunk. You guys might even be engaged. So send your pledge to her place with flowers and a card that reads, “No Homo.” Or even just text her at 2 AM, “Hey You Up? Happy Valentine’s Day. Wanna cum ova?” Making the smallest bit of effort (when you know you should) will do you all the better in the long run. If you’re just touching her Bs this will get you to her V or even her M or maybe even her A (probably not). Just know a little goes a long way.
18-24 Points: You’re actually gay. You’re the guy in the Jared The Galleria of Jewelry commercial who whispers “He went to Jared” to some random bystander. If that guy exists in real life then that’s the level of gay you are and your girlfriend’s a beard. Sorry, Bro. That’s going to be a tough conversation but at least now you don’t have to act like you weren’t pleasantly surprised to find out that chick in the porno was a dude.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian who you can see this Thursday on the premiere of MTV’s Failosophy at 10:30pm. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more ways to get yourself from her Bs to her V. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.
[Quiz image via ShutterStock]