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Does One Of The Bro-est Quarterbacks Play For Your City?

By / 08.26.14

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I think it’s safe to say the Bros around the nation are getting pretty amped up with both the college and NFL season coming up quickly. We NEED football back in our lives, this Little League World Series has had dramatic effects on male testosterone (I see a urologist annually).

So with the impending NFL Season, which NFL Quarterbacks are the most Bro-worthy? To start off, let’s define what a Bro is. Through my limited and lazy Google search I came up with these descriptions from dictionary.com:

Male friend or buddy.
Guy or fellow: used as a term of address.
Fellow black male; soul brother.
Young, usually white male variously characterized as being preppy, party-loving, etc.

I think the last definition works best. The cheekbones of Tom Brady, the intelligence of Peyton Manning, the fire crotch of Andy Dalton…let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to be an NFL QB?

But the question is…which QB is the Bro-est of the Bro?

Phillip Rivers, San Diego Chargers
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This guy is awesome. Anyone with a slightly twanged accent who can throw side arm is cool in my book. Rivers yaps non-stop on the sidelines and is the most charismatic man to come out of San Diego since Ron Burgundy. He reminds me of a fun cousin who is always down to go fishing.

Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears
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Every time I see Jay Cutler I think he just woke up from a nap between classes. Cutler rocks sweatpants in public and has appeared numerous times on FX’s The League. His short but feisty feud with Phillip Rivers was like Ja Rule having a beef with 50 Cent, aka really no substance but highly entertaining. Cutler’s wife, Kristin Cavallari, is banging hot too. Cutler yells at offensive linemen on the field and then when he hits the sideline he takes insulin for Type 1 diabetes. What a pioneer!

Colin Kapernick, San Francisco
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Colin Kapernick just looks guilty. I always thought he looked like a mix between a black Eminem and Vin Diesel (if Vin Diesel was bulimic). Kapernick doesn’t go anywhere without his trusty BEATS head phones and his bicep kiss after running touchdowns is something we’ve all done on Thanksgiving morning.

Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins
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Griffin’s rookie year was like Appetite for Destruction and then last year was like The Spaghetti Incident? Mike Shanahan ruined RG3 the same way coke ruined Lindsay Lohan. Somebody should tell him he can eat as much Subway as he wants, it still won’t add up to a healthy knee. RG3 does sport a smoking hot wife though.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, Houston Texans
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This one might not jump out at you, but I had to include him for the beard alone. Harvard-educated, ‘Fitz’ as I call him, (we are not buddies, but I hope one day), has the third-highest score of all time on the Wonderlic Cognitive Ability test (a 12-minute, 50 question test that all NFL rookies take to see how well they can problem solve in a short amount of time) with a 48 out of 50. He has been a journeyman most of his career with stops in St. Louis, Cincinnati, Buffalo, Tennessee and now Houston. Why is Fitz Bro-worthy? He’s smarter than all of us and rocks a sweat beard. He’s like the Brawny paper-towel guy and Albert Einstein. Hopefully the ‘Amish Rifle’ is smart enough to get Andre Johnson the football.

Russell Wilson, Seattle Seahawks
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OK, I know, Wilson’s Bro-ness is deteriorating every day but I had to include him. The guy went to Wisconsin, got drafted in the third-round, and then won the starting job over Matt Flynn in Seattle in 2012. He is a very resilient bro to say the least. Winning the Super Bowl last year was a huge feather in the cap, proving that even if you look like the missing member of ‘The Jackson 5’ you can still win football games. Wilson’s doing commercials now where he’s in barber shops and talks about his football camp (Russell Wilson Football Academy) like we care. In 2014 he’s going to have to grab a hot girlfriend or something to remain on this list.

Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers
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This guy was so much fun when he would sulk at press conferences, but unfortunately he’s growing up. Cam has a million-dollar smile but can’t read a defense worth shit. His most Bro accolade was doing that NFL Play 60 commercial with that charismatic little kid. Become your mom’s favorite player? Make Panther fans forget about you? Probably not, but I think Newton will be around a while.

Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts
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Luck talks like Andre the Giant and has the beard of an extra in ‘Witness’. He does an amazing job riding that fine line of still being “one of the guys” while also commanding respect from his teammates. If Luck wasn’t playing quarterback he’d probably be playing Magic: The Gathering at your local comic book store on Friday nights. He probably rocks a flip phone too.

Johnny Manziel, Cleveland Browns
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Not quite a shocker here, BUT what is shocking is how he has pulled it off in just 4 months after getting drafted. I didn’t account for anything Manziel did in his college career, only the stuff he has done thus far in Cleveland.

Picture with Justin Bieber and Floyd Mayweather? Check.
Picture drunk on an inflatable swan? Of course.
Picture rolling a $20 Bill? Child please.
Rolling two to three chicks deep at local sporting events? You know it.
Flicking off the Washington Redskins bench? BAM.

This guy is Joe Namath, Dennis the Menace and Pee-Wee Herman rolled into one. If he actually wins games for Cleveland, they might re-name Lake Erie after him. Most likely scenario is that Manziel will get suspended or arrested in six months, and we will love every second of it.

[Image via Shutterstock]


TAGSFootballNFL
Josh Womack
About Josh Womack... Josh Womack lives in Cleveland, OH and is the founder of Laughstaff, a speech-writing company that uses stand-up comedians as consultants to best men and matrons of honor around the world. Laughstaff has written over 100 speeches and will help you deliver a wedding toast that is heartfelt, hilarious and memorable. Follow them on twitter and check them out at www.laughstaff.com.

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