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Q. So I recently got a girlfriend. First one in four years. She was a sl*t beforehand, and brags about how good her bjs are. Three days into our relationship, she had to sit through a re-virginification chat and now wont f*ck. I haven't really approached the subject, but I need some below the belt action. Wtf should I do?

A. Nothing about this adds up to me. You left behind the fruits of bachelorhood to become the boyfriend of a self-admitted sl*t (who you probably could've f*cked without commitment), and days later she drops some version of the "I'm born-again" bomb on you? Yea, you definitely need to get the f*ck out of Hiroshima.

If you decide to swallow your balls and stand for this, you do realize what that makes you, right? It makes you the guy who has the girlfriend that won't f*ck you, but has f*cked (or sucked off) all these other dudes. Quite honestly, you don't want to be him. People still text that guy's girlfriend to get their late-night p*ssy fix. Others talk behind that guy's back. They tap their friends on the shoulder at parties, point right at that guy and say, "See the douche to your left, I dogged his girlfriend a few weeks ago. She's a gutter sl*t but the b*tch blew me dry."

I'm a decent guy, and normally I'd tell you to give it a chance if you thought you could wait/you really liked her, but this is way different. She isn't an actual virgin; her chastity belt was demolished by a man-hammer and now there is no turning back. No amount of abstinence is going to mend a shattered hymen or unsuck all those
dicks. Penetrate her ass with that knowledge.

The worst part of all this is not her being a reformed sl*t who wants to make an honest broad out of herself. It's that she just decided to go cold turkey and close the doors to the local YMCA when you two got together. That only punishes you. So I suggest that you do yourself a favor: drop this b*tch and date a chick you can have some respect for. It's also a fine idea to get one who won't amazingly know 10 random dudes every time the two of you go out in public and then formulate some intricate lie to tell you about how she "knows" him.