Q. My boyfriend hates PDA. Even holding hands freaks him out. I don't want to have a public make-out session with him, but I want to hold hands and feel connected to him. I like showing other people that he's my man! How do I get him to warm up to the idea? Should I grab his hand while we walk or accept defeat and awkwardly walk side-by-side? (We've been dating for a year and a half so this is nothing new)
A. Holding hands freaks him out? Does f*cking you on a daily basis freak him out? Didn't think so. I'm not particularly fond of PDA myself, but it has a place in the relationship world for a reason. You should want to show off your man, and he should do the same with you. Instead he's getting away with appearing casual in public and making you look like an a**hole. Date me for a while without holding my hand, shame on you. Date me for A YEAR AND A HALF WITHOUT HOLDING MY HAND?! Shame on you, sister. Shame, on, you.
Q. Is it true that chicks dig scars?
A. Scars are alright but they're not panty dropping material. Especially not if they're ugly. Or on your face. (“Where'd you get that beauty scar, tough guy?”)
A wound story about you being a badass and saving a woman in danger would be sexy, but if you got shanked in the 24-hour holding cell at the jail post-DUI or got the sh*t beat out of you by a middle-aged bouncer…not so cool.
My advice: play it safe and keep reapplying the Neosporin.
Q. So at my acting practice the other day, this one girl that I have to fake kiss starts really making out with me. When I say really I mean really, she took her tongue and started exploring my mouth for gold or something. And this girl's hot. Problem is, I got a girlfriend and I love her to death, but I’m that sort of dude that if a p*ssy put in my face I’m eatin’ it. Should I keep mouth-bathing this girl?
A. I'm picturing the intro to a really boring, nerdy, underage porno; live on some high school stage. Disturbing sh*t.
Sounds to me like you've got a case of a seriously horny thespian on your hands- one who is probably “digging for gold” in a number of other willing patrons mouths aside from your own.
Is thespian p*ssy even that good? I doubt it. If you love your girlfriend as much as you claim to, don't jeopardize your relationship with her just because you want a sample.
Also I strongly suggest attending a local BEA (box eaters anonymous) meeting sometime in the near future because it sounds like you've got some unharnessed “cravings”.
Q. In high school this girl and I went out for a few years and over that time I of course became kind of close to her family. We broke up before we went to different colleges but still kept somewhat in contact. Now her father is getting re-married and I'm invited to the wedding in Hawaii (We live in Vermont). It's a big three-day thing and they're paying for everything: flight, hotel, amenities, etc. I was wondering if my ex maybe wants a weekend for us to hook up again, or is trying a big fancy way to get back together. Or am I just invited to her father's wedding and I'm looking too much into this?
A. You wouldn't be invited if she was totally opposed to something happening, but that doesn't mean that this is an episode of “Parental Control”. Sounds a little bit more like “Date my Mom”. Family connections can be murky waters- you're having sex with other people and no longer like their offspring but still want to hang out with the fam. Been there. You're gonna have to take this one by the seat of your pants–be gracious for the invitation, stay on your toes, and be ready for whatever Hawaii throws at you. Hope for sex on the beach, but be prepared to only receive the cocktail version.
Q. What are the benefits of having a dog live in your fraternity house?
A. Pros: guaranteed woman bait.
Cons: it has to be fed (something besides beer).
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