So it’s been a while since you last dipped in and your body is running low on Vitamin P, eh?
Don’t worry. Most, if not every guy has experienced the reality of going an extended period of time without getting some. You might be sitting in your chair asking yourself, “Some of what?” In which case, sorry sir, I can’t help you. But for those of you who have experienced the little fleshy heaven known as vaginas (or mouths/lubricated hands) and are currently estranged from them, don’t fret. Brighter days are on the horizon.
Remember being little? You’d run around and play outside all day without a care in the world. Day after happy day you woke up and frolicked about ’til the sun went down, after which you’d go inside, eat some food, watch some tube, and sleep the sleep of a person unafflicted by desire. I’m here to tell you that it’s over. Little did you know it, but as soon as you decided to get some of that sweet, that funk, that nasty, that gushy stuff you set a gigantic biological clock in motion that ticks away the desperate moments in between your doses of cutty. Your millions of sperm cells are now rioting in your body, begging to be released so they can fulfill their duty of traveling to the egg, or perhaps even landing on the outside of a stomach that isn’t you own.
Here is the complete and unabridged guide to surviving, and eventually getting out of, a deep, dark pussy crisis.
1. Start working out.
You’re not going to get swoll overnight, but exercise has been proven to increase confidence, energy and even improve your mood. The mood boost is especially important considering you’re most likely anxious and miserable due to your utter lack of sniz.
2. Eat decent food.
You don’t have to go all Paleo, but cut back on the crap food. It’s kinda hard to get laid while you’re streaming a constant exhaust of Papa John’s fumes out of your gross, born-again-virgin butthole. Being constipated is also a problem. All systems need to be clear before you lie with a woman. Going into labor for your three day old pizza baby at a date’s house will absolutely lock you in the “no-bone-zone.”
3. Read some books
Not books on how to get laid, either. I’m talking actual books. Ones that give you something to talk about other than how much you love your local sports team. Knowing how to lead an interesting spontaneous conversation is paramount when attempting to crush muff.
4. Learn an Instrument
Dudes who play guitar get ass. It’s one of the basic laws of the universe. You don’t even have to be that good either, apparently you just need to know about 4 chords and you can play about 50 popular songs. I don’t know, this guys does it and he probably gets laid more times a week than you tug off.
5. Join a Student organization
Yup, nobody’s getting laid by playing video games all day. You need to get out in the world and let your light shine. School gives even the most non-pussy-touching among us an abundant amount of quality interaction with the bearers of fruit. Back in my college days, I joined an organization of foreign students who wanted to become better at English. The idea was that they taught you their language while you taught them yours. The old sly fox that I am I signed up to learn Brazilian and Portuguese, then just denied all dude applicants until I got a female. We were basically set up on a University sanctioned date and over time I naturally gained her affections by being a super cool and American as fuck. What happened shall remain between the two of us, and also a few of my friends I told, and my two brothers—point being there are many places to meet women, you just need to be creative.
6. Hire a Pro
Hey, I know it’s not exactly legal but if you’re that jammed up don’t be ashamed to call a girl down from the big leagues. It doesn’t count as ending your dry spell, but it’ll help in relieving the PSI of your perpetually swollen bird. Oh, and if you can, always wear a suit when getting a hooker. It’s just classier.
7. Have sex with a guy
Okay fine, don’t! Forget I even mentioned it. God, I’m just trying to help you…
8. Don’t get too drunk
I know it helps to cool the nerves while out at the bar, but take it easy. You need to keep it at a respectable level of “John Hamm from Mad Men drunk”, not “Nicolas Cage from Leaving Las Vegas wasted.” Plus, you don’t want to finally get taken to the grandest canyon and bust out your floppy land fish whiskey dick.
9. Aim low
Hey man, we all can’t sleep with models. Sometimes life forces you to browse the bottom shelf at the grocery store for the bagged cereal. But worry not, because sometimes that cereal can be just as good—if not better than—those flashly name brand classics. Trust me, once the lights go out everything depends on the feeling. I honestly feel bad for those of us who haven’t been smothered by the love a big woman in the dead of winter. Seriously, it’s like having sex with a bean bag, and I mean that as a compliment. Bean bags are awesome.
10. Dress like a gay vampire
I dunno, seems to work for this guy.
11. Create something/make money
One of the most surefire ways of ending your dearth of sexual activity is to create something or make some money. Usually the two go hand in hand, but producing some sort of unique tangible product often leads to money and recognition which in turn leads to getting a sweet, sweet, handjob after an expensive meal which you can now afford thanks to your efforts. Just make sure she lubes up her hand before manually extracting your rod. I really hate un-lubricated handjobs. They’re the worst.
There you have it! Go forth and spread the good word.
[Image via Shutterstock]