I’m lucky to be blessed with a job where I can watch all the pornography I want. Why, this morning before work, as I was closing my laptop before throwing it in my bag, I noticed I still had six tabs full of porn GIFs open (for reasons which need not be named, but can be spelled with the letters m, a, s, t, u, r, b and e). Had I not closed them and–when I got to my desk–pulled up a browser full of looped ejaculate, I wouldn’t be mortified.
“Just ensuring there are still naked chicks on the internet, boss,” I’d tell my boss before getting a commendation.
That is not the case at every other job in the world. I know because I’ve had them. Places where your monitor shouldn’t be displaying jiggly tits and dicks the size of ancient obelisks.
No. Work is a no-pornography zone. But your company probably did issue you a brand new laptop when you started. And in that moment, a question as contemplative as original sin entered your mind.
“How long can I hold off until I use this to watch pornography?”
Six days is the answer. Six days before you ruefully and sheepishly type PornHub into your browser bar while unbuckling your pants after a stressful day of work. (How are you stressed a week into a new job?)
Before you caved, though, you no doubt weighed the pros and cons.
Pro: This Is Probably Your Only Laptop
Before I got my last job—hello National Multifamily Housing Council, you are about to learn some things about the Sony Vaio you gave me which I believe Devin has now—my personal laptop was dying. Seven years old, it took nearly five minutes to power up. Once I had a new computer which could get me on the sexy, sexy parts of the internet in under a minute, the debate was over. I tossed my old machine, vowing to get a new one soon. That was four years ago. As long as companies keep giving me computers, I’m not going to buy my own. And as long as I don’t have my own, I’m going to use the corporate one to get my fix. I don’t have any other option. Use my cell phone? No. I’m not going to defile my personal device. I text my mother with that.
Con: You Feel Like a Pervert
Jesus Christ, can you not observe even the slightest modicum of self-restraint? You finally have been hired at a job you’ve been angling for for years and the third thought you have is how hot Alexis Texas getting jammed in the ass will look on this 21” monitor. (Pretty hot.) You are going to take this laptop into meetings. Meetings where other people you work with will be and they will surely be able to smell the musk of masturbation emanating from the keyboard and sense the crusty bits of jizz which have embedded themselves into the circuit board because you jack off with such a frequency that you’ve given up on being meticulously clean and fuck, no one told me our CEO was going to be in this meeting today. He can tell that 50 minutes ago you were in bed jerking it using this computer he personally okayed you having and he knows you’re the only freak employee who does this shit and fuck. My hand still smells like saliva and dick sweat.
Pro: IT Support
The free, streaming pornography industry seems to have gotten great at eliminating viruses from their sites. But at the same time, they’ve scrubbed all of their full-length Stoya videos since she so frequently makes copyright claims. And you love watching full-length Stoya videos when you get off, so you dive deep into the nethers of the web, visiting pages laden with pop ups and requests to download obscure software, and though you know you shouldn’t click through, you are horny and hard to reason with and one video won’t fry your motherboard, right? Well, it will, but your company’s IT team can scrub that bitch clean. Pretty soon, you’ll be back computing and watching porn in a slightly more responsible fashion.
Con: Your Work Could Find Out
Of course, when you do take your virus-riddled, work laptop to IT, you spend the rest of the day with sweaty palms. You told them your perfect lie you worked up (“Must have been from all that mobile banking I did.”), but you still fret, dreading a call.
“David, you and I both know this virus didn’t come from mobile banking. Please exercise better judgment when using company-issued equipment.”
Pro: Your Work Probably Won’t Find Out
They haven’t caught you yet, have they?
Con: Your Coworkers Might See
Before the days of incognito browsing, I used Internet Explorer for my porn and Mozilla Firefox for my interneting. That was well and good, until I let a female coworker look up something on my laptop. She was sort of a superior, so I readily acquiesced. But before I could pull up Mozilla, she scooched me from my chair and double clicked the IE icon. I’d watched so much porn at that point there wasn’t a letter she could type in which wouldn’t have pulled something up. I stared in horror as “FACE FUCKING” automatically filled the URL bar. She finished her surfing and I avoided her for the next nine months.
Pro: Who Are We Kidding Here?
You’ve already started watching porn on your company laptop. You only came here to feel justified. Well, I can’t tell you you won’t get fired, or that you should even be doing it, but take comfort in knowing we all do it.
[Image via Shutterstock]