Life
by J. Camm on November 4, 2013

According to the ad on Craigslist:

I have a 1 br opening up come Nov. 1st. It is a lower in a duplex. I am not sure what the landlord is asking yet, but the last tenant paid $700/month and I am pretty sure he will keep it the same. He is not the type to money-grub.

The place is in a house built in 1900 (yeah, 113 years ago), so it is a little complicated as design goes. It was originally a one family, but they converted it into a duplex. The downstairs unit has the big kitchen but the small bathroom. I am upstairs and I have the big bathroom, but the crazy wrong and small kitchen (not even big enough for a table). So, it is a trade-off: the lower unit has the nice kitchen but a teeny bathroom. Okay, let me just be up front, no tub…just a shower stall (sorry). But the kitchen is really nice :)

We are repainting and weatherizing. No utilities included but you have your own thermostat and furnace, so what you set that at is up to you. I am the maintenance person and I will be putting in a programmable thermostat, so you can set it at whatever you hours are. We also are on the energy assistance plan, so we pay during the summer so our bills are “normal” during the winter. Ours comes out to about $75/month for both heat and electric….but you can call WE Energies and see what you unit actually is (I do not know…I only know our apartment). Water is included.

We also are putting in a FREE laundry in the basement. It will be used by us, the guy in the back cottage (he is nice), and you , if you chose to move in. I also can give you storage in the basement. We want to eventually clean up the basement and turn it into a work-out area/laundry room, so too much stuff will impede that, but there is enough room to simply store some stuff under the stairs or whatever. We can work that out.

One thing, there is a ghost. She does not pay rent (sorry). She is nice…just curious. Basically, she just follows me around a lot. She is very interested in what I am doing. I work in construction and she has become my “ghost pal,” and she likes to follow me from the attic to the basement and watch what I am doing. She is a kind soul, so you cannot exorcise her or anything. As far as I am concerned, I occupy her house, not the other way around. So if you want to play Ghostbusters on me I will be pissed because we like her presence. I actually think she is a protector.

Oh, an there is the demon-toilet in the basement. I should just let you know right away. Technically, back in the early 1900s the basement was a “mudroom”. When factory workers came home from the tanneries or breweries they came through the back door and went into the basement to shed their dirty, smelly clothing and take a poo before they went into the house. So, there is a toilet in the basement that has not been used for about 80 years and it is kinda scary…but because this is a historical building, I cannot rip it out. So…we just boarded it up. That is the demon toilet…and I am pretty sure it is the portal to hell. You can take a chance if you want…but I suggest that you save that torture for someone you really hate. Nothing like blacking out on a complete drunk-idiotic-shitface and waking up in a basement with your head stuck in a toilet that has not been cleaned or flushed in 70 years…that will make you think again about who you pissed off, right? I am suddenly channeling Buffalo Bill..”It Puts the lotion on its skin!”…lol. Not really, but the basement toilet is kinda freaky, but we cannot remove it because it is historical.

So, what we want as tenants are some cool people. We have only been here 6 months, but I am now the property manager. Geeze…pressure. But the guy who lived here before was the original property manager and he drove the place into a bad version of “Forbidden Zone”…and if you ever have seen that movie you know that when I say it is a bad version of that…it was not funny any more. I want calm and relatively “normal”.

We are quiet. I work in construction but am on sick leave because I injured myself (torn rotator cuffs from repetitive work); my gf works at a very well-known pizza place and also works for the courthouse doing background checks: SO, DO NOT LIE TO US, my gf will find out everything about you. You get much farther being honest. I have had some rough spots in my life, but I will give you much more leeway if you just tell me what is up.

Oh, and I need to put my foot down on pets. One dog or a cat is okay. Fine. We have a cat. But I need to know they are fixed. This is only because I have had a bad experience with a tenant who deccided he wanted to become a “breeder” and had 6 mini-poodles everywhere that never produced anything but “spraying” on everything…and it stinks to holy hell (much worse than the 113 y.o. toilet). So pets are okay as long as you can prove they are spayed/neutered. But not like a 1,000, I mean 1 or 2.

Smoking is fine. I do not care, as long as you do not burn the place down. I drink, so drinking is okay. Hard drugs…you are OUT. So do not even bother if you do any crack, cocaine, heroin, oxy, meth, molly, ect…I will find out. I have been an apartment manager for 13 years and I know when shit is not right, so do not even bother if you have a drug problem. I do not care about drinking or smoke, but anything harder…you better hope your parents really love you because you will be begging to sleep on their couch. Period.

Okay *smiles* 

I think I covered everything. If I did not scare you, respond and I will send more info.

[H/T Reader Email]

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