Took a big bite out of the mailbag this week. Submit your Ask a Bro questions here. Let's roll.
Q: I remember back in the beginning of high school (or maybe junior high) when a friend was talking about how he just saw a video of a guy getting a BJ by two chicks at the same time. I thought no fucking way was this real. That shit was impossible and I refused to believe it could ever happen. Fast-forward a couple years, and the things I've seen.... Do you ever think your sex life, and maybe even social life in general, would be better off if you had never started watching porn, or at least not had access to what the internet brings to the table?
A: I can’t say for sure if porn is the culprit or driving force behind the movement, but I will say that society as a whole has become far more sexual in the last three decades. I’d kind of like to believe “Real Sex” on HBO played a big hand in it because while porn was fantasyland, “Real Sex” was showcasing actual people who did freaky shit all the time. That’s not to say the show is wholly responsible either, but "Real Sex" practically raised me.
I think we’ve just become a more sexually open public. We don’t condemn people like we used to for anything that isn’t rape or pederasty. Twenty years ago, a lot of the stuff that goes on now was unthinkable or widely considered acts that “sick” people do. And today, that "sick" person is you! Threesomes, orgies, cheating, cock rings, gag-balls, dildos FOR DAYS, taking dumps on chicks tits, feltching; it’s all commonplace! Was porn a factor in that? Yes, but it was one of many.
Just think about it, there was a time not-so-long ago that sharing an apartment with your girlfriend was frowned upon. Can you believe that? Now people are throwing you high fives for living in sin. I don't know if it's porn, or "Real Sex," or Global Warming but times they are a changin' and it's electric!
Q: Father bro, I recently improved my looks and lost a lot of weight, but my confidence is still lacking. I want to be able to greet and create harmless chat without being shy. How can I achieve this? It feels like an invisible barrier of conversation when I am near an attractive female...
A: Save for a few lucky and delusional fucks, confidence is something that most of us learn and earn. If you're not going up to chicks and talking to them, all your weight loss and newfound SEXAYYNASSS won't matter. Sure, as long as you're good-looking with a semblance of social skills you'll fuck some low-hanging fruit, but you likely won't bed too many chart-toppers. They take work. Work you're currently too afraid or psyched out to put in.
You're going to strike out. Your ego will get bruised. You'll question how it's even possible for a girl to NOT be attracted to the slim you. Eventually, you'll realize you can't win them all—it sucks, I know. But in the process, you'll figure out that 90 percent of getting laid is being attractive and the other 10 percent is being able to walk up to a girl, with some kind of confidence, and lead her think that, more often than not, you breathe through your nose.
Failure is inevitable, sex without having to talk to chicks isn't.
Q: Hey there. I've recently become obsessed with your column and as a female, I need some insight. I've recently lost a TON of weight. We're talking, went from being the pretty but very fat friend to being able to run a 5k without breaking a sweat. My question is, do I bring this up to guys I'm dating? I mean, if they stick around they're eventually gonna find this out, but is this information I let them stumble across or do I just come right out and tell them I used to be a serious hog?
A: If I'm sitting across from you on our first, second, or even third date and you say to me, "Six months ago I couldn't fly without a seatbelt extender, isn't that summthin'?" the first thing I do when I go home is A) Google how fat you need to be to require a seatbelt extender B) Facebook stalk you for all the wrong reasons C) Think on whether you'll be one of those chicks who, after having a kid, spends the rest of your life grossly overweight.
Eventually information about how you used to live large, along with other parts of your past, will surface—they ALWAYS do—but you don't have to disclose them early on. (This doesn't apply weto hot stuff, like how you used to have an insatiable hankering for giving head while driving on the Interstate. In that case, please shed light on that early and often.)
Remove sex entirely from the equation and 99 percent of dating is trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with the person sitting across from you. Terrible to say, perhaps, but it's the truth. Sometimes it's easy to spot a deal-breaking flaw like a uni-brow or a thicket of arm hair, other times it's more difficult to glean, like an insufferable family or the years you spent battling IBS.
My point is, you're in a good place now. Let the guy like this version of you and appall him with the earlier, much fatter model after you know he's not running out the door from the site of it.
Q. I was just out on a date and had the itchiest nose of all time, but I thought I'd have to just let it go. So now I'm wondering, what is the proper way to go about scratching your nose around women/in front of the boss/around your bros?
A: You knuckle scratch it. Or, you go to the bathroom and pick that fucker 'till it's RAW.
If you opt for the knuckle, the move is making a fist and pushing your outer nostril against your inner nostril in a jostling manner. Make sure she can tell you’re working out an itch and not just wiping snot on your hands. Also, don’t do it too much or people (like my father) might mistake your itch for a coke habit. “Did you see him when he was walking down the stairs? He couldn’t stop itching his nose. I knew that kid was a fucking cockhead,” is something he actually said to me at a family party when I was a sophomore in high school.
Q: Alright, so when you are talking to/ spitting game at a hottie, which is better? Asking for her number so you can hit her up, or just giving her your number so she can initiate the conversation?
A: Take her number. TAKE TAKE TAKE TAKE!
If you actually want to see that girl ever again you get her number and you initiate that goddamn contact.
Q: This is a serious question, and not only do I need an answer, I am demanding an answer, due to my devotion and love for the Brobible site, so please answer this question in a timely fashion as the answer will determine if I stay a loyal fan. My question to you Brobible is when will the annoying T-Mobile 4g ADVERTISMENT banner that pops up on every page of this site, causing frustration due to the fact it sometimes freezes the page, and is almost impossible to remove the first try, because the little x in the corner, responds if and when it wants be removed from the site, or placed In a more appropriate section of the page?? I ask this because as a loyal reader I understand the importance of advertising, so that such great sites can exist and profit, but I feel this shouldn't come at the cost of the readers enjoyment. FYI being such a loyal fan, because of the banner I'm now a proud owner of a Samsung Galaxy 3 cell phone, which is the best phone I ever had, and also now receive unlimited phone calls, text, and truly unlimited data through T-mobile, however now that two weeks later this annoying banner is still popping up and causing me problems, I'm starting to rethink my commitment to not only T-mobile, but this very site. Thank you. I trust my question/letter will take care of this problem, and I'll be able to remain a loyal customer to T-mobile, and the Brobible site. Thank you, and God Bless the U.S. of A.
A: Funny thing about those ads…
The reason you keep seeing that pesky T-Mobile banner is half your fault and half ours. Allow me to explain this as painlessly as possible.
Everyone knows we need ads for our site to continue living. Those banner ads you see, especially that sick T-Mobile one, are run from a GIGANTIC network so having ads and a network is the half that is our fault. The network, however, populates those ads for you (the user) based on other commerce-type sites that you’ve recently been too. For instance, while you’re being hammered by T-Mobile right now, every time I go on BroBible I see the ad below.
The banner ads are populated by what you’ve recently been shopping for (because companies want to stalk the ever-loving shit out of you) and I can empathize with your fury. When I was shopping to furnish my apartment, going on BroBible and most other sites became an especially miserable experience because I could not escape Crate & Barrel no matter how hard I tried. So yeah, the whole "where you've been" part is your fault. My guess is you’ve seen those same ads on other sites because a TON of sites use the same network we do.
Q: So after ripping a few bowls with the boys, we began to debate which NBA player would an average bro have the best chance of scoring a single point against in 1 on 1? After debating for quite sometime we came to the conclusion that the answer is probably Steve Blake. He's probably one of the bigger bitches in the league and I think he's just someone you might have a chance of hitting a prayer of a jump shot against. We were wondering what the fine editors at BroBible thought about this?
A: I took this to a few of the guys and here are their answers:
Andy Moore: 'Melo (in the fourth quarter)
Reggie Noble: Jerry Stackhouse
Robb Stark: Steve Nash
Boatshoe Bobby: Jeff Hornacek
J.Camm: Kurt Thomas
Yes, Bobby could very well be brain dead, but MY GOD is he fantastic at mindlessly gathering photos of hot girls.
Q: Ok, so I'm going to be entering the largest, most legit party school in the state of Florida, who happens to be hosting the most underrated game this week in Tallahassee, but I digress. So today I was at the library of my local community college, after purchasing 2 muffins and consuming 1 muffins. Hash muffins. I was approached by 2 people who I had grown up with in our childhoods, and a friend of theirs who happened to be a rather pretty girl that spoke in an apparent European accent. Being to my state of highness, I proceeded to peruse the "Children's Literature" section nearby. Flirting ensued, and before I could know it, I received a friend request, and she was on my computer. More flirting ensued, and talking about marijuana followed also. The question is, she said she wanted to smoke weed with her sometime soon. In your best judgment, how do I best approach and execute in this situation?
A: First, that was barely coherent. Second, send her a message, “Hey, want to come over and smoke weed tonight?” While she is at your place, right after you smoke a hillside’s worth of pot say, “Hey, that was some good weed. Can I see your pussy?” Boom! Sex.
Honestly, here is your series of events: Invite, smoke, and ride the wave where it takes you. She already stated her desire to see you, this is NOT THAT DIFFICULT.