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U.S. Presidents Ranked by How Fun They Would Be at a Strip Club

By / 12.13.13

So wrong. Dubya would suck at a strip club. Why? He doesn’t drink. He’d just sit in the corner. Not drinking. But it did get me thinking. What U.S. presidents would be fun at a strip club? So I did some thinking. Here’s the definitive ranking: 43-1.

43. George W. Bush: Teetotaler

42. Rutherford B. Hayes: Teetotaler

41. Woodrow Wilson: Academia

40. James Garfield: Anti-U.S. Greenbacks

39. Zachary Taylor: Teetotaler

38. William Henry Harrison: Compromised immune system. Might die

37. Abraham Lincoln: Would ask everyone’s opinion about every girl

36. Millard Fillmore: Teetotaler

35. Barack Obama: Will call his wife non-stop

34. William Taft: Teetotaler

33. Warren Harding: Degenerate gambler. He’d ask to borrow ones

32. Herbert Hoover: Broke

31. James Madison: Hot wife. Gets enough at home

30. William McKinley: Gold standard advocate, impossible to tip on

29. Andrew Johnson: Doesn’t believe strippers are people

28. George Washington: Girls would be put off by the teeth

27. Jimmy Carter: Girls would be put off by the teeth

26. John Tyler: Moves in on your dancer when you aren’t paying attention

25. James Monroe: Would claim all the Latino strippers as his own

24. George H. W. Bush: Too old

23. Benjamin Harrison: Tariff fan. Against non-American strippers

22. Dwight Eisenhower: Tit guy… … probably

21. John Adams: Strict wife. Would be ready to cut loose

20. Gerald Ford: Anti-inflation programs preserve value of a dollar bill. Strippers adore

19. James Polk: Holds women to unrealistic 50-4-40 measurement

18. Andrew Jackson: Would get into some Pac-Man Jones type shit

17. Chester A. Arthur: Makes strippers earn their tips.

16. Ulysses S. Grant: Always has smokes to bum

15. Harry S. Truman: Knows how to make it rain

14. John Quincy Adams: Loves to get naked

13. Franklin Delano Roosevelt: SYMPATHY LAP DANCES

12. Grover Cleveland: /comes repeatedly

11. Theodore Roosevelt: Would be like Billy Bob in Varsity Blues

10. Ronald Reagan: Former actor, possible good cocaine connects

9. Richard Nixon: Could watch him curse out strippers all day

8. James Buchanan: Life-long bachelor

7. Franklin Pierce: Upon leaving office was quoted as saying “There is nothing left but to get drunk.” And look at pussy

6. Calvin Coolidge: Starer

5. Lyndon Johnson: Known to whip his dick out. May get you kicked out, but the story

4. Bill Clinton: Of course.

3. John F. Kennedy: Strippers would fight over your table

2. Martin Van Buren: Huge whiskey drinker

1. Thomas Jefferson: White guy in a black strip club? Count me in.


TAGSListsStrip clubstitty bars
David Covucci
About David Covucci... David Covucci is writer and blogger for BroBible dot com. He loves Twitter and whiskey. He can be reached at david.covucci@brobible.com.

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