by David Covucci on December 13, 2013

So wrong. Dubya would suck at a strip club. Why? He doesn’t drink. He’d just sit in the corner. Not drinking. But it did get me thinking. What U.S. presidents would be fun at a strip club? So I did some thinking. Here’s the definitive ranking: 43-1.

43. George W. Bush: Teetotaler

42. Rutherford B. Hayes: Teetotaler

41. Woodrow Wilson: Academia

40. James Garfield: Anti-U.S. Greenbacks

39. Zachary Taylor: Teetotaler

38. William Henry Harrison: Compromised immune system. Might die

37. Abraham Lincoln: Would ask everyone’s opinion about every girl

36. Millard Fillmore: Teetotaler

35. Barack Obama: Will call his wife non-stop

34. William Taft: Teetotaler

33. Warren Harding: Degenerate gambler. He’d ask to borrow ones

32. Herbert Hoover: Broke

31. James Madison: Hot wife. Gets enough at home

30. William McKinley: Gold standard advocate, impossible to tip on

29. Andrew Johnson: Doesn’t believe strippers are people

28. George Washington: Girls would be put off by the teeth

27. Jimmy Carter: Girls would be put off by the teeth

26. John Tyler: Moves in on your dancer when you aren’t paying attention

25. James Monroe: Would claim all the Latino strippers as his own

24. George H. W. Bush: Too old

23. Benjamin Harrison: Tariff fan. Against non-American strippers

22. Dwight Eisenhower: Tit guy… … probably

21. John Adams: Strict wife. Would be ready to cut loose

20. Gerald Ford: Anti-inflation programs preserve value of a dollar bill. Strippers adore

19. James Polk: Holds women to unrealistic 50-4-40 measurement

18. Andrew Jackson: Would get into some Pac-Man Jones type shit

17. Chester A. Arthur: Makes strippers earn their tips.

16. Ulysses S. Grant: Always has smokes to bum

15. Harry S. Truman: Knows how to make it rain

14. John Quincy Adams: Loves to get naked

13. Franklin Delano Roosevelt: SYMPATHY LAP DANCES

12. Grover Cleveland: /comes repeatedly

11. Theodore Roosevelt: Would be like Billy Bob in Varsity Blues

10. Ronald Reagan: Former actor, possible good cocaine connects

9. Richard Nixon: Could watch him curse out strippers all day

8. James Buchanan: Life-long bachelor

7. Franklin Pierce: Upon leaving office was quoted as saying ”There is nothing left but to get drunk.” And look at pussy

6. Calvin Coolidge: Starer

5. Lyndon Johnson: Known to whip his dick out. May get you kicked out, but the story

4. Bill Clinton: Of course.

3. John F. Kennedy: Strippers would fight over your table

2. Martin Van Buren: Huge whiskey drinker

1. Thomas Jefferson: White guy in a black strip club? Count me in.