BroBible Satellite Office, Pyongyang, Real Korea — Time Magazine has angered the great Red masses for the last time. After the people spoke out with one voice clear and strong last week, begging Time Magazine for a Person of the Year whose military prowess is offset only by his style and skill with the ladies, the magazine has turned its back on the people, choosing President Barack Obama as its champion instead of the honorific and beatific Supreme and Ultimate rocket-firing comrade who also makes Chris Hemsworth yellow his trousers in "Red Dawn."
Kim Jong-un was the only choice for Time. Instead they have awakened the ancient unicorns by NOT EVEN MAKING GREAT COMMANDER A SEMI-FINALIST.
In many ways, Barack Obama is the 21st century version of this new American. But he’s more than just a political figure; he’s a cultural one. He is the first President to embrace gay marriage and to offer work permits to many young undocumented immigrants. There has been much talk of the coalition of the ascendant — young people, minorities, Hispanics, college-educated women — and in winning re-election, Obama showed that these fast-growing groups are not only the future but also the present. About 40% of millennials — the largest generational cohort in U.S. history, bigger even than the baby boomers — are nonwhite. If his win in 2008 was extraordinary, then 2012 is confirmation that demographic change is here to stay.
- Malala Yousafzai: The Pakistani girl shot by the Taliban for promoting girls' education rights is "perhaps the world's most admired children's-rights advocate."
- Tim Cook: "The Apple CEO's record hasn’t been flawless, but he has presided in a masterly way."
- Mohamed Morsi: "For all his troubles at home, Morsi remains the Middle East’s most influential figure."
- Fabiola Gianotti: One of the lead Higgs Boson researchers, and a woman whose "background is different from that of the ordinary particle experimenter.
May the unicorns rise up and stampede Time's office.