The 2012 Presidential election has this great nation divided more than any other election I’ve witnessed in my brief time on this planet. Conservatives and liberals shouting at each other on mainstream media about how the other one is going to ruin this country with their outlandish economic policies, or how their stance on the social issues is “completely wrong” (Google “completely wrong” by the way, it’s quite amusing). I am by no means a political guru and I remain unbiased towards either candidate. I think if we, as a nation, were actively seeking change we wouldn’t have a two party system run primarily by the dollars of corporations; but hey, I’m just a guy who tells dick jokes for a living, what do I know? With the slanderous commercials playing way too often and the debates well underway, here are 5 ways we can use political mudslinging in our daily lives.
5. Acquire Blackmail
This should be a given regardless of what you’re doing especially when it comes to your superiors. Always have some incriminating evidence hanging over their head in case you need to use it against them to better yourself. This works best in the work environment when you have a douchey boss. Maybe take some drunken pics of them during the weekend slobbering over some busted 6’s at a bar and have the pics ready to go on FB early Monday morning for their family to see. This should take their level of douchiness down a notch or two and allow you to maintain power over them for as long as you have the pictures. This same tactic can also be used against some dickhead dating a girl you would like to plow, or an asshole professor.
Disclaimer: If you should choose to use this tactic, you must also be prepared to face the repercussions since it is a pretty scummy thing to do to someone; no matter how douchey they are, or how much power they have over you. People will come at you (Bro) after you expose the blackmail because blackmail always affects more than just the person you are blackmailing. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Or actually, say I didn't warn you, ignorance goes far in this country.
4. Use their stats against them
In politics this is easy, since every politician has a traceable public voting record, but you can also record your own stats or find stats to use against your bros if you need to have your way. Maybe Brian is never the DD and you have done it 12 times this semester already. Let everyone know by saying something like, “F*ck this, Brian hasn’t even been the DD once this semester and I’ve done it like 12 times already! Look at this chart I made.” This will bring to light 2 things, 1. That you make charts (kinda weird but also convenient) and 2. That it’s Brian’s turn to be the DD for once! You can also use this tactic when there is a noticeable decline in blowjobs from your girlfriend.
3. Stay cool at all times
Staying cool in any given situation (unless your getting attacked by sharks) is a total necessity, especially when in an argument. In political campaigns both sides have mudslinging commercials, but there’s never a Biggie vs. Pac fallout. Because unlike rappers, politicians keep their cool and let the other candidate talk their way out of votes. In arguments, keeping cool will only piss off the other person and make them act like a bumbling, loud, idiot, leaving you to wield the power. It’s like Muhammad Ali’s ‘Rope-A-Dope’ -- you let them tire themselves out swinging with their shouting and when they’re exhausted and sound stupid, you come out swinging with logic. Guaranteed win. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!
2. Take their quotes out of context
In this election, the whole 47% thing has been taken so far out of context it’s almost comical, but the strategy was well played by team Barrack. Girls are the masters of this tactic. Maybe at one point you told your girlfriend that she acts bitchy on her period. Two months later, in a heated argument, she comes at you with, “And furthermore, you think I’m a bitch anyways!” Flabbergasted and confused, and probably unable to remember what you said because it was such an irrelevant, throw away comment two months ago, you reply with, “What? No I don’t! I’ve never called you a bitch!” She’ll come back with, “Yes you did, you said I always act bitchy, which means you think I’m a bitch. Well guess what? This bitch is out!” And boom that girlfriend is gone (probably for the better). But what you can learn from this is that taking quotes out of context and using them against someone works, plain and simple. And, if they have a bad memory, it makes it work that much better.
1. DO NOT LIE
Political mudslinging usually involves lies, or twisting the truth in one-way or another. While at first glance these lies appear to be facts, they always come back to bite the politician in the ass. Abraham Lincoln once said, “No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar.” And boy was he right. In some cases lying may seem like the right thing to do but if the guilt hanging over your head doesn’t show that you’re lying then at some point the truth will come out. Also bare in mind that we’re talking about serious lies, like lying about what you did with $10,000 or lying about cooking meth over the weekend instead of visiting your mother to tell her you have cancer. This does not apply to white lies, like lying on your resume about participating in a club or activity, or telling your mom that you bought weed instead of food with the $50 she deposited in your bank account. Also, don’t get lying confused with taking a quote out of context, you’re not lying when you take a quote out of context, you’re just withholding some of the information, which may mislead, but in the end, is not the same as lying.
As you can see these tactics work and that’s why politicians employ them during campaigns in order to get our votes. Now that you know the secrets, you can utilize them to get ahead in real life! Some of them may be a little scumbaggish, but that’s okay because in the real world, only the strong survive.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that The United States foreign policy should be, “Don’t drink their dirty water.” You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.