Valentine’s Day is this week, and that means love is in the air, gentlemen. What’s the best way to express love? Iambic fucking pentameter. Whatever your relationship status, here’s some situational bro-etry to share with the special people in your life this Valentine’s Day.
[Editor’s note: Several of these are not even vaguely bromoerotic.]
Bro-em for Fighting V-Day Text Rejection:
Is this our first fight?
The key to love is trust,
To be honest I get it,
This is so us.
Bro-em for a Co-Worker You’d Like to Boink:
Let’s take this slow,
We can start with G-chat,
Then we should touch base daily,
Nothing creepy ‘bout that,
I know we’ve only emailed,
But I swear I’m not shy,
I’d like to leverage your body,
And create ROI.
Every time you walk past me,
My focus is lost,
I saved my last Excel file,
As Ashleys.Butt.Floss,
I’m trying to be professional,
Not sure I have the power,
Can I please get your number,
At the next happy hour?
Bro-em for a Reliable Lifting Buddy:
Without you spotting me,
I don’t know what I’d do,
My pecs, tris, delts and shorts,
Are bigger thanks to you. 😉
Bro-em for a Hook-up You Haven’t Talked to in 6+ Months
After the first time we xoxo’d,
I should’ve called,
Those 2 a.m. texts are annoying,
I wake in the morning appalled,
Now I’m asking what you’re up to,
At a reasonable time,
This text is a candy heart,
And it says “Be Mine”.
[photo of candy heart instead of the words “Be Mine.”]
Bro-em for Girlfriend of Over Two Years
I should buy you flowers more,
I know I take you for granted,
But you love me for me,
Blogger body, pale, five inches slanted,
I appreciate your love,
I swear to God I do,
I got you the first two seasons of Girls,
_____, I love you.
Haiku for Hot Girl Teaching with America in Asia:
I love your pictures,
Facebook secret admirer,
Jealous of your kids.
Bro-em for a Understanding Mistress:
Mashed potatoes with bacon,
Vegetable medley, cornbread and sweet potato fries,
My plate wouldn’t be complete,
Without you on the side.
Bro-em for if you Meet Tim Duncan:
I love your fundamentals,
And your shoulder tattoo,
Every time I go to the bank,
I think of you
You’re the best ever,
At forward that’s power,
Let’s grab your friend Tony,
For a French Eiffel Tower
Or we can post up,
That’s where you’re the man,
Work your magic on me,
With your right or left hand,
You don’t say much when we talk,
But I know how you feel,
I’m wearing your jersey right now,
And my broner is real.
Bro-em for Long Distance GF
3 million sperm are in each one of my loads,
I’m sorry again I couldn’t be there,
But I’m thinking of you and I’m rich,
I just ‘came a billionaire.
Bro-em, for a Girl You Just Matched with on Tinder:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m vulnerable on V-Day,
I’ll be little spoon?
Jake Fowler is a regular BroBible columnist who also runs the blog Big Balls Ideas. Follow him on Twitter.
[Lucky Business/Shutterstock]