So you’re completely out and it will be a week until your dealer picks up. You’ve contacted all your friends and no one has any they can spare and only the lonely stoner kid is willing to smoke you out. You’ve noticed waffles don’t taste as good and all of a sudden The History Channel is boring again. How many times can a single person watch a show about Nazis sober? In fact, you’re so sober that Republicans make sense and you’ve considered going back to school. Well, there is hope in the world because these are the 4 places that always have weed. Remember stoners, when visiting these places look like a normal member of society, everyone is more willing to sell to an average person, not someone in a Phish T-shirt who is trying too hard.
Basketball Courts: Try filling up a back pack with a 12 pack of beer and putting on some neon Nike’s. Shoot around for a bit and listen to the conversations going on around you. The trick in this situation is to go for the high schoolers. High school guys, like high school girls, will do anything for beer. Find a chubby kid or a weird one who’s not shooting hoops along with his friend, then listen till they talk about drinking or pot, it should only take 10 minutes. Once you hear that it’s go time, make your ball roll over to their court and mention you heard them talk about pot. Offer them the back pack in exchange for a gram or two, and you become a hero. The trick is to come off like an older brother and not an adult they’re going to call a faggot then call the cops on. Congratulations, you just bought a gram for a 12.99 pack of Milwaukie’s best.
Kitchens: Anyone who’s never worked in a kitchen has lost out on one of the most fun and depressing parties you can be a part of. Kitchens are like White Snake videos in the 80’s, cooks are notorious for doing lines of cocaine to keep them going during 14 hour shifts working a fryer. At the end of the night the wait staff and line cooks chug bottles of wine like an old Italian woman who just found out she’s going to be a grandma before she dies. For pot, the dishwashers are the guys you’re looking for. Light up a cigarette and hang out by where the bikes are chained up and bring a bilingual friend. You’re going to over pay, be prepared to be shorted on weight and over charged, but these guys have a 10 person family to feed. The best part about buying weed here is smoking in the parking lot then walking back into the restaurant, Simba can go eat an air dick, that’s the real circle of life.
The Internet: There aren’t specific websites to go to (there totally are), but spend some time on social media and make friends with someone from Colorado or California. The lovely part about the US Mail system is that they’re currently over worked and barely check packages. Sure, it might take a few more days than hanging out at a basketball court, but there is little to no chance you’ll end up having to tell your neighbors you’re now a Megan’s Law abiding citizen. Besides, edibles, they can send you brownies, candies and muffins that will make you happier than the care packages your mom sent sophomore year.
Open Mics: What happens when a bunch of shitty performers get together to perform terribly together? A lot of smoking pot to make themselves feel better after bombing. Go on the internet and look for some open mics in your area. Spend 5 minutes writing something funny or creative that tricks people into thinking you’re creative. Spend 2 minutes on stage doing your slam poetry or song, and then ask while you’re on stage if anyone has pot. At first everyone will look shocked but then the artists will flock to you to try and make money so they can eat Chef Boyardee tonight.
Bread Foster is a Standup Comedian who only needs 2 days to get pot no matter what city he ends up in. For more follow him on twitter and Instagram @BreadFoster