Everyone has shared the experience of waking up in an unfamiliar place, desperately calling out for your allies to come rescue you, but to no avail. You quickly learn to adjust to your surrounds, get your barring straights, piece together the night the best you can and, of course, get the hell out of wherever the hell it is you wound up.
While a majority of these situations usual stem from you drunkenly stumbling into the wrong frat house or dorm room by yourself, there are the selective sampling of us that have had to endure this uncomfortable feeling of not knowing where you are, or how you wound up there, with a female counterpart right beside you.
Did you go all the way? Most likely, but that’s irrelevant. It’s all about survival at this point, piecing the clues as to what happened and who it happened with can come at a later date.
The moral of this prologue is sex is nice and fun, but it’s even more memorable when the only memory you have of it comes at six in the morning with the chick’s father standing over you screaming ‘get the hell out of my bed’ while wielding his Bowie Knife.
Yes, this has happen before, and without further introduction – the eight places you never want to end up after having sex.
1. Her parent’s bedroom
If you didn’t see this coming as No. 1, then you really must check yourself before you wreck yourself like Ice Cube once proclaimed. There’s absolutely no place on the planet I’d want to end up after a night of gallivanting with a chick, then her parent’s bed. Although there’s a good chance that they’re out of town, hence the situation allowing it to happen; however, there’s also the outside chance the comeback early to find a complete and total stranger in their bed who had just tamed their daughter’s every desire. Not only could this get ugly quickly – violent ugly, there’s an outside possibility the police may be getting called. Yikes.
My advice is that if a chick wants to do it in her parents’ bedroom, you better make sure their out of the country. It’s just too risky otherwise.
A close second to this would be the bed of one of your friend’s parents. I’ve seen this multiple times somehow and it hasn’t produced anything but an ugly outcome.
2. A different city, or state
Whether you end up in a bed or on a couch, it doesn’t really matter if the strange place you wake up is in a different city, town or, worse, state than the one you live in. Although this may sound like the ultimate bragging rights story – it really does, the getting home situation may prove to be difficult and costly.
We’re talking about a night that most likely involved you spending large amounts of money at the bar and, more than likely, a pretty penny on getting to your final destination. Now, you have to either pay for a cab home or find a buddy who’s loyal enough to come fetch you on a Sunday morning. Talk about owing someone a favor!
The sex must really be worth it if you’re willing to travel for it. I’m willing to say it probably won’t be worth the aftermath the next morning. My suggestion: find a local to bring home. Proximity definitely is a factor when it comes to mating.
3. A park, all alone
This scenario ranks a smidge below No. 1 only because violence isn’t a looming threat; however, there’s a realistic chance that the local police will be involved and fines will be pending. Almost more importantly, this means the chick was so unimpressed with your performance she had the audacity to get up and leave you there all alone when the courteous move is obviously waking you no matter how sloppy or rude you may have been.
You may be asking ‘how do you know if you had sex if you wake up alone in a park?’ The answer is simple: a condom will be in the near vicinity and your clothing will be all dirty. These aren’t positives, by the way.
4. The wrong floor of your apartment or dorm
This unfortunate/glorious incident actually happened to an athlete that went to my school and the consequences were a simple note written by the tenants to the dude’s girlfriend telling her to control her man. Although nothing too disastrous occurred in this example, in other outcomes it could play out differently. Again, police force is a possibility, but the real bummer about this though is being the massive asshole who taints the occupants of the apartment for the rest of their days when they wake up to find you stark naked lying on their floor.
5. Next to a swimming pool
This is more likely to happen on vacation or during the summer, so you’ll be a hell of a lot more celebratory than waking up on the cold ground at a park or in another city; however, the downside of this is your skin is going to be unbelievably chaffed and you could have drowned if you had rolled over into the water. Worse over, you weren’t convincing enough when you indulged in pool sex to bring the girl back to your room – never a good sign.
I’ve heard a lot of pool sex stories before and almost all of them end with the freaky couple in bed somewhere, or at least a closet. This equates to further sex that night and possible morning sex. When you wake up to the sun rising with your face buried on concrete it only means you failed miserably at closing and, once again, the sex was probably not that good for either party.
6. Her sorority sister’s bed
Not in the same ballpark as her parent’s bedroom, but equally volatile if the girl comes home and unexpectedly finds her friend with you; someone she more than likely doesn’t know. First she will freak out screaming – always the last thing you want to wake up to. Second,
The worst outcome though is if the sorority sister is an evil, manipulative type, who demands a list of reparations for using her bed.
This happened to a buddy of mine who somehow didn’t have the negotiating skills to work out a better deal and ended up having to pay for the sister’s meals for the rest of the semester and drive her to the airport multiple times. Needless to say, the price of the pussy wasn’t worth it in the long run.
Like the different city example, this one sounds glorious and a story you’d love to retell to buddies. While this is the ultimate “guess what I did with this chick one-time” claim to fame, it also could prove costly when you’re searching for a job or just going to the gas station to buy a Gatorade. Some dudes might praise your efforts, but most will actually shun you. Praise is cheap when it comes with the cost of losing the ability to walk around as an everyday dude. I know for a fact I wouldn’t want to be known as the guy who was caught fucking and ended up on CNN because of it. I sense only negative publicity could come from such a ridiculous situation, although I’ve never came across anyone who’s ended up on camera for fucking. Then again, I don’t know any porn stars.
As you can tell by now, there’s a little bit of a water theme going to this column. This final destination comes from personal experience and I admit it wasn’t pretty. I only have the good Lord to thank for saving me from a concussion or whatever else could have happened to me taken a drunken tumble out of the bathroom. I did have a bloody nose though, so I didn’t come out of the evening completely unscathed.
Similar to the pool, waking up with your face on concrete is no bueno and, similar to the park, the girl clearly wasn’t satisfied with how you went about your business if she was cold enough to leave you on the bathroom floor without assisting you elsewhere.
9. The Hospital
A broken penis is only a laughing matter if it's not your penis. Otherwise it's a very somber, humbling, and horrifying experience. Or so I'm told.
[Man in hostpial bed image via ShutterStock]