Life
by Andy Moore on December 18, 2012

This AskReddit post today, though, is just too good. Titled “Male Redditors: What hints have girls given you that flew over your head and you now deeply regret? What's your worst 'Oh, she wasn't actually inviting me over for coffee at 2am' moment?,” the thread plays out like a bizarro version of Hook-Up Heroes, only if one guy was the star, and he just happened to be the most sexually oblivious person of all time.

Meet “StuporCollider,” a man who just thrilled Reddit by totally dominating the post. He is responsible for every single story that follows:

  1. I worked the overnight shift at a hotel one summer. Worked with a gorgeous blonde. One Friday night, I came in as her shift was ending. “Your backup called in sick, so you'll be here by yourself,” she said. “Okay,” I replied. “Would you like me to stick around for a couple of hours? I hate to leave you all alone on a weekend night.” “No, that's fine!” This went back and forth a few times, and then she gave me a big smile. “StuporCollider, I don't think you understand. I really want to stay.” I smiled. “Okay, thanks!” Then I went and balanced the credit card receipts.

  2. A girl once shyly approached me at a friend's house and said, “So, I think I need to learn how to give blowjobs. I think I might just, you know, ask a male friend to be a, you know, a test subject. And give me feedback.” I said, “Huh, okay,” and then I played Settlers of Catan for four hours.

  3. During a College Bowl tournament, I once opened a storage closet out of curiosity and a girl followed me in, grinning. “Look at the size of this thing! I can't believe we're in this room every week and never noticed it!” She nodded enthusiastically and said “I know! This place is bigger than my bedroom!” She sat down, smiling. “Quieter, too.” My response: “Yeah, these dividing walls are surprisingly thick.” I then walked out of the closet and pounded on the wall. I poked my head in. “Could you hear that? Ha! Well, I'm getting a Diet Coke.”

 

More!

More stories.

  1. Girl coworker grabs me from behind, making a low growl. “That's my horny noise,” she says. I was so startled I just said, “Oh! Okay.” Then I went and did some filing.

  2. I mention to a girl that a family of deer live in the woods behind our dorm. She agrees to come with me the next day to look for them. We walk into the woods. She sits down. “So,” she says, “do you want to sit next to me?” “Look!” I say excitedly. “There's deer scat here! Man, you'd think it would be bigger.”

  3. Girl comes up to me at jukebox. “I like this band,” she said. “Do you have any of their CDs? I'd love to come over and listen to one.” “Oh, Mountain Goats isn't really a band,” I say, “he's a singer-songwriter.” I continue talking about the Mountain Goats before digressing to Neutral Milk Hotel, and she sobers up somewhere in there and excuses herself.

 

More, more!

Yeah, more stories.

  1. Girl kisses me in the dark in her bedroom at her birthday party. “You should leave before we do something stupid,” she whispers. I nod and leave.

  2. Girl invites me out on a date, pays for my dinner, takes me back to her place. We talk for a long while, I make her laugh with a hilarious story and cry with a sad one. We chat for a bit, she leans in on the couch. Suddenly, I snap upright. “Hey! The Jerry Springer Show!” (TV was on in the background.) “I've never seen this! Is it is bad as I hear?” I watch the Jerry Springer Show for thirty minutes while she changes into her pajamas and then she asks me to leave.

I cannot fucking believe how many more stories like this I have. I also cannot fucking believe I somehow fathered two children.

 

MORE MORE MORE.

What else we got? Jesus, I wish it wasn't too early for a beer.

  1. Girl grabs my arm as I walk past her table at the bar. “Hey!” she laughs. “Remember when you offered to buy my friend a drink?” The other girl is giggling and blushing furiously. I look at the girl who grabbed my arm. She makes “go get her” motions with her eyes. I smile. “I'm sorry,” I say, “you must have mistaken me for someone else.”

  2. Girl at bar looks over smiling at me. I smile back. She later takes a table near me and my friends. She walks over and says, “You're gonna come over and talk to me later, right?” I say, “Sure!” About twenty minutes later, I walk over to say hello. She grabs my hand and completely shuts down some other guy who was hitting on her. I was so distracted by that, watching that guy slink off, that I excused myself quickly when my friends left the bar. When I caught up with them a half-block away, they just stopped and stared. “Are you fucking kidding me, StuporCollider?” one said. “Are you fucking. Kidding?”

  3. Girl came up while I was playing pool by myself. We played pool together for a couple of hours, talking, laughing. She smiles and says “I'm out of quarters. Hey, I live three blocks from here. Want to come over?” I say, “Sorry, I live the other way. It was great meeting you!”

 

 

I SAID MORE, DAMMIT.

Dear Penthouse Letters: I never thought I'd be writing you, and apparently I was fucking correct.

  1. A girl at a party takes frosting off her birthday cake, dabs it on my lips, kisses me. I laugh and dab some on her nose. “Gotcha!” I said.

  2. Another girl at the same birthday party lays down next to me, putting her head on my lap. I could feel myself getting a boner, yes, but her head was also making my leg hot. So I made her sit back up. Then, my hot leg got itchy, so I went to the bathroom to scratch it, and then I found a friend in the kitchen, and I'm not sure what happened to the girl after that.

  3. Girl at a party talks to me about her yoga classes. She takes my head gently in her hands to demonstrate some yoga tilting deal, coming in smiling. Behind her, I see people skanking to a ska song. “Hey, is that skanking?” I ask her. “I've never seen it!” It turns out, weirdly, that she does not like ska music.

 

Incredible. Go read the rest of the highly enjoyable thread here.

 

Andy Moore

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