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What People’s LAST Names Say About Them

By / 06.09.14

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Lately, much has been made about people’s first names. Some claim that you can determine a person’s personality based solely on their name. HA! Another ridiculous claim facilitated by irresponsible idiot bloggers. It’s complete and utter bullshit. The real indicator of someone’s personality is their LAST name.

I’ve found that among people with the same last name, there are definitely some shared characteristics. So, I sat down with a couple of local and questionably dangerous hobos to have a completely unscientific conversation about last names. Here are my findings.

Afflecks are good actors, but even stronger directors.”
“I feel like Afflecks love blackjack and have hot wives.”
“Fuck Afflecks, they think they’re better than me.”
“They probably are.”
“Oh yeah.”

“I’ll say what we’re all thinking… Anistons look pretty fucking hot for their age.”
“I would’ve definitely banged most Anistons back in the day, but now that they’ve really come into their own and are confident with their bodies, I’d absolutely give it to them. Hard. No condom.”
“I’m worried that Anistons will die alone.”
“Anistons have flourishing careers and slay tons of dudes, don’t feel bad for them.”

“I find Biebers to be complete and utter douche bags. I wish them a rapid and meteoric fall from grace.”
“Biebers link up with celebrities that you like, and then you don’t know what to think of those celebs.”
“Most Biebers probably didn’t get a real childhood, so they never really properly matured. You can’t fault them for their outlandish behavior.”
“Biebers are Canadian, plain and simple.”
“Good point.”

If I could trade lives with any other last name, it would be Bilzerians.” 
“I dunno, Bilzerians seem to be compensating for some deep-seated emotional pain.”
“Save that hippie therapist shit for Dr. Phil, you bitch. Bilzerians ball, plain and simple.”
“I would suck Donald Sterling’s dick with sustained eye contact in order to be a Bilzerian.”
“Whoa, chill out, dude.”

Bon Jovis just scream rock and roll to me.”
“Yeah, I guess Bon Jovis are pretty rock. I’ve always kinda gotten a gay vibe from them too.”
“Bon Jovis have great hair. Like, I-want-to-know-what-kinda-products-you-use great.”
“You don’t even shower, you idiot.”
“When you walk into a bar and you hear Bon Jovis,  you’re just like, fuck yeah.”
“Um, I’m like, get me the hell out of here.”
“Settle down, guys.”

“I would very much appreciate having the opportunity to make sweet love to Bündchens.”
“Join the club, bruh. Bündchens are generally unattainably hot.”
“I wonder if Bündchens have a personality because they’ve always been so hot.”
“When you’re as hot as Bündchens, you don’t need a personality. Personalities are for ugly people.”

“Most Chainzs kinda came out of nowhere, and now they’re just dominating the scene.”
“Chainzs want a big booty hoe for their birthday.”
“Don’t we all.”
“I heard Chainzs used to play college basketball.”
“They’re pretty tall, I don’t doubt it.”
“Chainzs don’t mess with no thots.”
“Trueeeeee.”

“I have a lot of opinions about Cyruses.”
“That’s why we’re here… say them.”
“Cyruses confuse me. They’re the first people who have made me feel old.”
“Same, kinda. Cyruses offend my sensibilities. Kids shouldn’t be around Cyruses.”
“Cyruses are doing their goddamn thing, y’all are crazy.”
“I would smell the seat in a gym where a Cyrus was just working out.”
“That’s creepy, dude.”

“I would go gay for DiCaprios.”
“Same.”
“Me too, I guess.”
“You guys make me sick……I guess I would too actually.”
“DiCaprios are just ultimate bro legends.”
“I was always on the fence about DiCaprios until about five years ago, and now I’m all in.”
“DiCaprios always tweet about elephants.”

Jolie-Pitts are the type of people who have smoking hot parents and are ethnically ambiguous.”
“Hard agree.”
“Totes. It’s Jolie-Pitts world and we’re just living in it.”
“Money, good looks, access to whatever the hell they want. Jolie-Pitts are living the life.”
“When do we get the dollar you promised us?”

“Just puked in my mouth thinking about Kardashians.”
“Are you out of your mind? Kardashians are the hottest creatures on this planet. They’re questionably aliens.”
“They’re more like animals than aliens. If Kardashians don’t wax their bodies every seven hours, they turn into wolf-men and get actively pursued by people shooting silver bullets at them.”
“He’s kinda right on that front.”
“Personality-wise, Kardashians are a scourge on our society, but that aside, I’d want to sixty-nine with them.”
“They have pretty big dumpers.”

“I would’ve done anything to be in the orbit of a Lohan a decade ago. Now, I feel like you need a hazmat suit if they’re gonna be within breathing distance.”
“If you claim you wouldn’t still hook up with Lohans, you’re out your god damn mind.”
“Lohans probably always have stuff stuck in their teeth and haven’t showered in a couple days.”
“Lohans come from broken homes, and have narcissistic personality disorders.”
“Can we all at least agree that Lohans don’t wear underwear when getting out of cabs?”

“If you want to see the epitome of athleticism, look no further than a Mayweather.”
“Mayweathers beat their significant others.”
“I feel like Mayweathers and Biebers hang out with each other.”
“I can’t tell if Mayweathers are playing a character for publicity, or they’re seriously just insane, supremely not self-aware people.”
“Mayweathers are rich as balls, they can do whatever the fuck they want.”

Obama is such a strong last name.”
“Agreed. It’s just one of those names that inspires change.”
“You need to change your diaper because Obamas are the types of people that are wrong with this godforsaken country.”
“Chill out, man, it’s just a discussion about last names for a blog.”
“You don’t know what I’ve been through! I swear to god if you’d seen the things I’ve seen…”
“Okay, why don’t you go take a walk, dude. Cool off a bit.”

Sandlers kill me because I loved them so much, but they’ve wronged me too many times.”
“I stand by Sandlers until the day I die.”
“I feel like Sandlers could turn it back on whenever they want.”
“No, man, no. It’s gone. The old Sandlers are gone.”
“Sandlers love Drew Barrymore. It’s like, get a room.”

“If you want a last name that screams America, it’s Springsteen.”
“Right. I feel like George Washington’s middle name was probably Springsteen.”
“He didn’t have a middle name.”
“Shut the fuck up, you know it all.”
“Springsteens make me wanna just eat apple pie while shooting a gun at a terrorist and chugging some Coke and dying of a heart attack.”

“If you look in the dictionary, next to the word gullible, it has the last name Te’o.”
“Te’os have something going on below the surface that none of us will ever truly understand.”
“That was really weird and cryptic.”
“Right…just like a Te’o.”
“Te’os fuck imaginary girlfriends.”

Trumps are quite wealthy, but they’re not very subtle about it.”
“You have to admire Trumps for their hard work and business savvy.”
“I don’t have to admire Trumps. Trumps are exploitative leeches who are basically living, breathing trolls.”
“Trumps have beautiful, golden hair that I’ve only read about in children’s fables.”
“I just shit myself.”

Cohens are Jews.”
“Yup, Jew.”
“Jew.”
“Big time Jew.”
“A real slimy Jew.”
“Okay, that’s quite enough. You’re all dismissed.”



TAGSgreat namesnames
Brandon Cohen
About Brandon Cohen... Brandon Cohen was raised by Jew gypsies on the sleepy island of Manhattan, and went on to defy the odds by graduating from a four-year accredited university in Nashville, TN. He's a writer and aspiring street fight videographer. Back in 2008, Brandon talked to Amanda Bynes at a club in LA for over fifteen minutes.

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