Life
by Jake Alexander on February 26, 2014

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When I think of “argument,” the first thing that comes to mind is trying to maintain focus looking at my girlfriend as I drunkenly attempt to slur as little as possible while asking her what I did wrong. Although that is a prime example of an argument that usually occurs (in my mind at least) devoid of anything reasonable, some arguments are actually based in reason. Hard to believe, I know. You feel like you’re the only one in the world who is ever reasonable. But hey! Maybe that is what’s wrong. Confrontational or not, there are certain types of people that you will get into an argument with at some point.

Unreasonably angry people

This is your friend that just goes from 0-60 in two seconds flat. They have a flipswitch that sends them into a ridiculous fury. Maybe you’re debating about how Mark Wahlberg shouldn’t be in the next Transformers movie with your roommates, or just causally talking about what supermodel you would do a sex to. Someone disagrees with your mentally unstable buddy or cracks a joke about something they said, and out of nowhere he can’t think of a rebuttal and lets out “FUCK YOU YOUR DAD’S AN ALCOHOLIC I HATE YOU AT LEAST MY PARENTS ARE TOGETHER.” While you’re still trying to wrap your head around what was just said, they’re already in your face apologizing. For some reason you find yourself forgiving them because either 1) you don’t want them to ruin your night or 2) you are genuinely afraid of their potential once angry. It almost seems like no actual arguing occurs, just a lot of “Holy shit I’m about to call 911” facial expressions.

A significant other 

Ladies, let me preface this by saying that you and I both know that you saw “significant other” and immediately thought “Who me? He’s the one that’s always wrong.” As men we know we are stupid, but we embrace it with what I like to call calculated ignorance. That being said, no matter the subject, these arguments always have the full spectrum of emotions. Fellas, you know what I’m talking about. “Why the FUCK did you like her picture on Instagram?” “You LEFT me at the bar!” “Why were you texting her???” “Just tell me what you want from me!” And then it happens – you get careless and raise your voice over a dull whisper, soon finding yourself trying to coax your crying girlfriend out of a locked bathroom. But as love would have it, the morning everything is forgiven and back to normal. You always say it’ll never happen, but it does. Hey, if you didn’t argue with your significant other it wouldn’t be a normal relationship. Too much we-agree-on-everything-lovey-dovey-perfect-PDA-in-public-and-flowers-and-shit and you get bored, but too much arguing and you end up bloody and naked on Cops. The choice is yours.

A fighter 

Due to testosterone, arguing with this type of person is more applicable to men. Women who routinely escalate arguments to fights have been to jail. Similar to the routinely angry person, there’s a flipswitch in a fighter that sparks the desire to settle an argument via fists. My personal favorite locale for this argument to escalate is a bar. The sequence of events occurs like this – 5’7” loudmouth drunk guy in a tight solid color polo gets a drink spilled on him. You’re not paying attention because you’re laughing at some dick joke your buddy told you. Somebody is gonna pay with an assbeating or dry cleaning bill, and since you’re luckily closest in proximity he chooses you. He gets in your face and as you insist you genuinely don’t know what he’s talking about, his anger escalates. After lots of yelling and shoving, he ends up getting thrown out of the bar and you and your friends have a good story the next day. For this person everything always has to be physical. Shit, you could just be playing Madden. You: “Hey man, good game. Can’t believe I won.” Him: *rips his shirt off* “OH YEAH???!!!! WAS IT??? YOU WANNA FUCKIN’ GO!!??” No. Why do we always have to fight?

Related note: don’t ever try to fight a guy who doesn’t have a shirt on, they have nothing to lose.

Drunk people 

Trying to reason with a drunk person when you’re completely sober is like trying to explain calculus to a third grader. For someone who has spent an entire Spring Break without a single drop of alcohol in their system (very long story for another time), I can tell you first hand you develop Spiderman-like responsibility senses. “Wait, where is _____?” “Who shit on the neighbors doorstep again?” “Get in the car before I tell those cops you’re 19 and piss drunk.” “Just turn them on their side, dude.” “I know they’re punching each other, just give me a second to get out of the shower.” As difficult as it may be, you don’t do it because you have to and you do it because you care. If you didn’t, you’d be perfectly comfortable with watching someone try to drink a bottle of rubbing alcohol or climb a palm tree butt ass naked.

Your best friend 

Arguing with your best friend has the potential to be one of the most infuriating things on the planet. For girls, “BFFs” are sometimes so alike that their interests cause conflict. They like the same type of boys, same type of clothes, same type of food. Most often it starts with “She’s smothering me I just need some fugging space.” or “Well like I’m not apologizing to her because I didn’t do anything wrong.” But a week later they are all lovey dovey and posting selfies on Twitter again. That’s just how it works. Guys are…a tad different. So maybe I’ve almost accidentally blinded my best friend by shattering his Ray Bans with an empty beer can (I know you’re reading this and no I’m not ever going to pay you back for them, so fuck you), but does that mean we have to agree on everything? We bicker like two first graders arguing over crayons. But in some weird twisted definition of the word, that’s why they are you best friend. You can talk to them about the most sensitive of subjects, judge the living shit out of each other’s actions, not talk for a week at a time, almost blind them for life, and still pick up where you left off.

Your parents

As we get older there comes to be a point at which we sit back and just realize that all of the shit our parents put us through kind of makes sense now. The tantrum you threw in high school over your curfew seems kind of stupid now right? After you graduate high school the “coaching” attitude goes to an “advising” attitude. Your parents might not necessarily advise you to take a road trip to three colleges and a NASCAR race all in one month, but when you tell them the garbage grades that you posted during that time frame they might some reason to be upset with you. We like to think that our parents don’t understand the appeal of all of the freedom of college life while forgetting that they were raised in an era where the drinking age was 18. But, as stubborn as we all are, many of us don’t give our parents credit for teaching us anything via argumentation until later in life. That’s growing up, right? 

Bullshitters

My father has ever so lovingly proclaimed me to be the “Delusional King Of All That Is Bullshit” on many an occasion. Why will you have one day have an argument with a person like me? I don’t like losing and I certainly don’t like being wrong. Can I make up a statistic off the top of my head to make argument sound completely legitimate? Why yes, I can. A bullshitter is so invested in their own BS that they can truly convince you that it is true, and leave you almost sorry that you even got into it with them about it. And as you apologize, the shit eating grin on their face grows ever so slightly.

Professors

Although it sometimes does happen, this is the argument that I would advise never to get into whatsoever. Unless you are one hundred and fifty percent sure of what you know to be true, with sources cited double spaced in MLA format, 3+ recommendations, and maybe even have some witnesses to testify, do not try and argue with a professor. It’s like going up against Seal Team Six with a pool noodle. Even if you respectfully disagree with something they say, don’t be the asshole that tries calling a professor out in class. The boner in the front row who tries to sound smart – “Um, Dr. ______ I think you mean that it should be [insert fart sounds coming from mouth].” The aforementioned boner is met with a quick rebuttal from the professor – “No. If you actually read the material, you could see your statement is incorrect. Any other questions?” Other than a room full of kittens and a case of beer, nothing makes me happier than seeing someone get publicly destroyed by a professor. As much as I want to bask in the failure, keep the scholarly disagreements private.

There is only one of you in the world, so it might be appropriate to think that nobody else thinks like you do. That could be reason for some conflict to arise, no? Even if you have the IQ of a turtle or are a member of MENSA, it’s going to be hard to avoid an argument in life. Get a helmet.

Jake Sciotto is a malt liquor aficionado trying to graduate sometime this decade. You can send him hateful messages on Twitter – @callmeshitto

[Argument image via ShutterStock]