Since everybody’s dedicating both their lives and liver to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this weekend, there’s a good chance you will wake up on Monday (like most weekends) with absolutely no regrets. There’s also a good chance that within the past two previous weekends in March, you already began celebrating for the big day by breaking a lot of shit and wearing green at various parades or day drinking festivities. That being said, there’s ALSO a good chance that you’ve come face to face with any of these people. If you haven’t already, you will this weekend:
The Leprechaun Guy
There was no better way to kick off this list. The leprechaun guy is any midget/dwarf/little guy/politically-correct-short-bro who dresses up like a leprechaun and someone who takes just as much pride in acting like a leprechaun for all 24 hours of St. Patties Day. He will always be surrounded by people from the sidewalk to the bar who probably hired him for the day. To the guys who will lift him up and make fun of him: He will tell you to go fuck yourself. To the girls who bend down to take a picture with him: He will pinch your asses and smile because today he has an unbelievable amount of game, which gets him no where the other 364 days of the year. Take advantage of it Bro!
I’m only half Irish but I’m pretty sure Molly Malone was one hot sugar momma. She was so hot that all the other Irish females referred to her as one big dirty Irish whore simply because they were jealous of her beauty. For now we will say these rumors were true and are now used to describe this person you will run into on St. Patrick’s Day. When you see this girl she will be 100% intoxicated and 100% of the things that come out of her mouth will be filled with dramatic bullshit. She swears her friends got more drunk than her and one of them even hooked up with the guy she had a crush on, Barry Badrinath. St. Patrick’s Day got the best of her and it is now her job to try and ruin every other human beings good time. Watch out for this one Bros, you will find her drunk and crying by herself and if she notices you she will leach onto you like R Kelly would to a 17-year-old girl.
His only goal in life is to be everywhere with everyone. Today is one of his favorite days of the year because (unlike you) he wants to run into people he hasn’t seen in years just to accomplish one thing -- small talk. You will refer to him as Flat Stanley because you forgot his name and you will question how he still remembers yours. If you run into him you will say things like, “Dude! It’s you, how’ve you been?” We all have that guy whose face kinda, sorta looks familiar but his name got lost as soon as you graduated high school. Take the shot he buys you, wish him a Happy St. Patrick’s Day and keep the line moving.
The Bagpipe “Player”
He just marched a “33-mile” parade and is now in the bar blowing away on his pipes, getting free rounds of beer and pretty much shitting on every other guy trying to score some sloppy Irish poon. Guys who wear shirts saying FUCK ME I’M IRISH are certainly inferior to him. The more drunk game you try to spit to girls, the better he looks and know that he will succeed. My advice: Be friends with this guy. The douche bag playing the annoyingly-loud weird-looking instrument is now your friend, not a Bro but still your friend, and girls will love you befriending this guy. I don’t know why, I don’t care why, they just do. At the end of the day the bagpipe “player” isn’t too different from the leprechaun guy; he will take full appreciation of the role he has to live up to for the day and do it with disgusting skills that get better and better with the more alcohol he ingests. St. Patrick’s Day and bagpipes go together and the day would be very boring without them. After a “33-mile” parade I would want some free beer and an unlimited selection of girls too so I have one thing to say to the bagpipe “player,” “Today is your day so shine on rock star, shine on…”
The Irish Lover
Also someone you should become friends with. This Irish native reminds girls of Colin Farrell and apparently “has the voice of an angel.” He is not cocky; rather he is weirdly friendly and highly enjoying the fact that we Americans make such a huge deal about St. Patrick’s Day (hence why he decided to visit in the first place). I think a lot of guys can agree with me when I say that I wish I had a fucking Irish accent for the day. It’s his pot of gold that constantly makes girls wet and the worst part is his unawareness of his heritage which makes him so God damn nice even when you want to hate him. They say nice guys finish last. Well I say fuck that because there’s no way he’s going back to his hotel room with no less than a dime.
The Irish Fighter
This is not someone you want to be friends with. He will be just as drunk as his brother, the Irish lover, but peace, happiness and (in our minds) “a good time” is not on his agenda. He likes hitting on guys girlfriends and thinks that because he is Irish and because it’s St. Patrick’s Day that he can conquer the world. He will live up to his Irish rugby-playing roots by head-butting the guys who confront him on his assholeness which will eventually get him arrested or kicked out of the bar but not without a fight. My suggestion: Keep your distance but stay close enough to watch the show.
The Guys Like You, The Bros
There is a lot of light at the end of this Irish tunnel. You will run into Bros like you and me whose drink of choice for the day is Guinness, Jameson or even better Irish Car Bombs. The only plan we have for the day, besides drinking the things I just mentioned, is hopefully NOT running into all of the people listed in this article.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
[St. Pats image via ShutterStock]