Ah summer! A time for strolling down empty beaches with sweethearts, sharing popsicles with good friends on rowboats, and chasing puppies across grassy knolls with new stepsiblings.
If any of these things sound like summer to you, I suggest you stop right here and go back to Pintresting shit or browsing through anime porn or whatever-the-fuck else weirdoes do on the internet. For the rest of you, summer-home-from-college has its chill-as-hell moments, no doubt, but it’s also a time of chick-scarcity and boredom-induced food, herb, and (non-anime) porn binges, respectively. To make matters worse, a lot of you guys found summer “jobs” working as someone’s unpaid intern, which means you’re someone’s unpaid bitch for an entire summer. Miss college yet?
But hey bro, there’s hope yet. For one thing, no one says you can’t throw a chill-as-hell rager in your parent’s house to unwind a bit. In fact, some of us here actually encourage you to do so (You can read more about how to do that here: http://www.brobible.com/college/article/rager-at-parents-house-summer-break). But be warned, these aren’t the parties you threw back in college. Gone from your guest-list are the classic college archetypes, the athlete, the freshman, the smokeshow etc. When throwing a summer party, you are introducing a whole new cast of characters into your home, and guess what? They’re a motley crew. With that in mind, I present as a warning, “The 5 People Who Will Show Up To Your Summer Party.”
1. The Burnout
While you were taking the SAT’s, he was home sleeping off a long night of dry humping his girlfriend in the backseat of his mom’s Volvo. When your first college acceptance letter arrived by post, he was scouring the mail for the Phish tickets he ordered online. And when you and your peers packed your belongings and set off for college, chaboy was planning for a lucrative career designing t-shirts and trucker-hats to sell at music festivals. Well the t-shirt thing never panned out, and now dude is just your local hometown burnout. Think about it, though. Your lives aren’t that different, really. On any given weeknight during the year, you’re probably both stoned-out-of-your-mind eating take-out-wings and watching “Elf.” The only difference is, every hour you spend watching “Elf” goes towards you diploma and takes place in your college dorm, whereas The Burnout’s watching of “Elf” takes place on his parent’s couch and earns him jack-shit. You’ll run into him while you’re home for summer, and later at the occasional hometown event. Overtime though, you’ll get a job in a city, meet a nice girl, start a nice family, and slowly your run-ins with the Burnout will become infrequent. But worry not. The Burnout will be watching “Elf” on his parent’s couch well into his fourties.
2. The Ex
Back in high school you two were Sonny and freakin’ Cher. You’d spend hours on the phone talking about—oh gosh, everything really! And shit I mean, you lost your virginity to this girl. But hey, that was high school, am I right? Since then you’ve been with three other girls! Make that three and half if you include what’s-her-face (and most of the time you do). Was the breakup bad? Probably. High school breakups usually are. To make matters worse, one of you thought it’d be a smart-move to try “the-long-distance-thing” freshman year. You idiots! After that ran its course, there were late-night-phone calls, and tears, and finally, a breakup via text. Good news is, the only times you have to deal with this chick are during moments like these. Namely, when you throw a huge party in your parent’s home over summer. Play it cool, and let her know you’ve moved on.
3. The Ivy Leaguer
This guy thinks because he spent two semesters at Cornell he’s the Second Coming of Christ. Well guess what? You knew this dude before he started showing up to house parties in a blazer (seriously, who wears a blazer to a fucking house party?) This guy will stand around name dropping fools, and trying to pick up chicks with lines that begin with, “While reading (insert name of author required in any intro to Philosophy class anywhere on earth)…” To add fuel to the noxious flames already engulfing the entire party as soon as this dude walks through your front door, while you’re slaving away during the day making coffee runs for a local insurance salesman, this fucking douche is interning for a U.S. senator. Kick this guy out. He’s too much.
4. High Schoolers
This is what happens when you throw parties over the summer. High schoolers show up. Maybe you have a still-in-high-school-step-sibling who shared the invite. Or maybe your town is just really small and word travels. Whatever the case, do not be alarmed. This is standard summer party stuff. Just be hospitable. And don’t get caught serving them booze or drugs because that could really complicate your life now that you’re an adult (I know, it’s crazy they consider you an adult now).
5. The 180
You’re at your party, playing a little beer pong, dancing a bit (Bro, you are killin’ The Dougie right now!) All the sudden the doors fly open and an absolute jaw-dropping smokeshow walks into your home. Now to be sure, you were not expecting any jaw-dropping smokeshows to be in attendance tonight. Nor should you have. Do you know this chick? No? Wrong answer. It turns out you sat next to this jaw dropping smokeshow in senior year History. Remember her? Of course you don’t. You never paid this girl any mind. Now a year’s worth of college under her belt has turned this girl into the hottest chick at your party. Quick! Think of something witty to share. A story! Anything! Ah too late. The Cornell Cornhole is already making her laugh with an elitist anecdote. Sorry bud.
Alright, that’s it. Go hard, be safe, and don’t disrespect women.