I don’t really consider myself a soccer guy, but I, like most of America, was glued to the television this past weekend watching the US Men’s National Team’s titanic struggle against Portugal. When Silvestre Varela buried the equalizer in stoppage time, I’m pretty sure a part of me died. I never thought in a million years a soccer match would elicit that much of an emotional response from me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, my pet’s heads were falling off, I was a mess. But, like all things, life goes on. As I continued to pound adult beverages at an alarming rate to cope with the reality of what just happened, I couldn’t help but glance around the bar and notice the plethora of different fans milling about the local watering hole. Amongst the throngs of football fanatics, I spotted several suspects that just weren’t quite right. Chances are you’ve come across a few of these guys at some point as well. Hell, you might even be one of them. Either way, I think we can all agree that these five people are ruining the World Cup for everybody. (PS: the ladies at the top are just fine and are not ruining anything for anyone. I just put them up there for some eye candy.)
The Soccer Snob
Do you remember who won the World Cup in 2002? Neither do I, but this guy sure does. Don’t agree with that last call? This guy will be more than happy to explain the official’s judgment. In fact, this guy will go to great lengths just to point out that you know jack-shit about soccer. Sorry, I meant football. Better not make that mistake around this hombre, or he’ll react as if you stood up his little sister at prom senior year.
American flag apparel – CHECK
Face Paint – CHECK
Team USA scarf – CHECK
Continuous screaming at a volume that would make even Ric Flair uncomfortable ü
Look I’m all for overt displays of patriotism, but this dude has got to be kidding, right? First of all, it’s 90 degrees outside. Lose the scarf, man. Last time I checked, the only time it’s acceptable for a grown man to paint his face is when he’s getting ready to charge headlong into battle led by William Wallace and his hoard of angry Scottsman. Maybe you think your ridiculous attire and high-pitched obscenities would make your Founding Fathers proud, but if George Washington somehow managed to waltz through those doors, I bet he’d punch you square in the face. I’d buy him a beer, then follow suit.
This girl is generally a mainstay at most sporting events. To the untrained eye, she displays all the characteristics of a diehard fan. However, upon closer examination, you’ll hear her ask questions like, “Why does that guy have on a different colored jersey?” or “How many minutes are left?” essentially questions that are no brainers to even the most casual of fans. It’s pretty evident this broad is trying to pass as a diehard fan just to get the attention of every swinging dick in the bar. Word of advice: chill out, toots. You don’t see me trolling around the bar acting like I’ve gone ape shit for “Orange Is the New Black” or “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” You know what’s really hot? A gal that doesn’t act like she knows everything. Just be yourself and you’ll be fine. Promise.
The Other Guy
In a sea of red, white, and blue, this guy sticks out like a sore thumb. “The Other Guy” will be the gentleman sporting another country’s jersey despite having no actual affiliation with said team. Perhaps he’s also a soccer snob that thinks he’s cooler than everyone else, or perhaps he’s just some hipster that loves to go against the grain. Either way, this guy will receive more dirty looks than a shirtless bum panhandling directly next to an ATM. Hey, this dude should just be thankful it’s 2014. I’m no historian, but sporting a German National jersey to a Boston bar during the 1938 World Cup more than likely would have ended poorly, I think.
As I said earlier, I’m not much of a soccer guy. Never have been either. But this guy makes me look like that Manchester United hooligan straight out of Euro Trip. Maybe it’s the slow pace of play, or maybe this guy took a line drive to the grill when he was a kid. Whatever the case may be, this guy just can’t stand “the beautiful game.” He’ll have no qualms in making that known, either. This guy would have you think he’s a professional athlete the way he criticizes these world class players. I’m not buying it though, as his midsection is just a tad bit rotund for that of a top-flight athlete. Chill out, bro. No one likes a downer.