I’ve been on Facebook since the spring of my sophomore year of college. Here’s how I was convinced to join:
Frat Bro: Yo check out this chick I hooked up with.
Frat Bro: Her picture is right here on Facebook. All of them are on here.
Me: All of whom?
Frat Bro: THE CHICKS.
That’s it. That’s all it took to convince me that I needed to be on a chick directory called Facebook over 3000 times per hour. Then something weird happened. Little by little the pictures of chicks started getting clouded by opinions. Lots of opinions. Opinions about everything. And strong ones. It all came to a head with last night’s debate. Everyone on my feed turned into a drunk Skip Bayless at a Lebron James appreciation night. And the worst part was, NO CHICKS. Instead of group shots from Saturday night that put me on a creepy adventure into all of my friend's friends lives I got Democrats, Republicans, and Pot Head Independents telling me how to vote. During the debate I counted three pictures of chicks and two of them didn’t even show cleavage (It was a really disappointing masturbation session). The thing is I’ve been on Facebook long enough to have a history with every one of my friends. I’ve watched people grow up on this site and I can’t help but remember their past when they tell me where I should place my vote, including the time they drunkenly reached into a scalding pot of cheese at a tailgate to eat it with their hands. So to be totally clear on this point, here are some of the people you’ll find on Facebook that should never post about politics:
If At Any Point You’ve Had Any of the Following Profile Pictures: You and your girls on spring break, you and your dudes shirtless, your celebrity doppelganger, you giving the finger, you performing (comedy, music, magic...especially magic), you being skinny when you’re actually really fat, you in a “sexy” halloween costume, the Obama Hope painting, you holding money, a meme, a meme of yourself quoting yourself, a cityscape, you doing crossfit, any picture of a sports team winning a championship, or if you have no picture at all and it’s just the mysterious blue outline of your sex.
If You’ve Ever Posted Your Running Stats: Unless you’ve achieved the four minute mile, I don’t want your political opinion. I do want you to get back on the track and start busting your ass. I’ve gotten 600 emails about you running the quarter of a quarter marathon for the Ethiopian Babies without iPhones charity and I want the time I spent not donating to it to be worth it.
If You’ve Ever Posted A Picture of a Baby: I don’t care if it was your baby, a friend’s baby, or a baby that you think might be yours but you still aren’t sure. I can’t take the political opinion seriously of someone who thinks babies look different from one another. A baby is like a Chinese person, it’s one face, male or female.
If You’re An Old Person: You’ve posted names of people you’re searching for as your status updates too many times for me to trust your opinion on the election. I’m not even sure if you know what you’re writing. Half of the post is in capitals and the other half has a smaller font. I don’t even know how to change the font on a status update. Are you ok? Did you have a stroke midway through telling me how much your pills cost? Mom?
If You’re White: Anything you say I’m going to assume is racist. Obama’s black and you either like him or hate him too much because of that fact.
If You’re Black, Gay, Jewish, or Wear Fashionably Thick Framed Glasses: We get it. Obama.
If You’ve Ever Written “The” in Front of any Ethnicity: i.e. “The blacks just need to understand.” Again. We get it. Romney.
If You’ve Gone By an Alias On Facebook: If at one point your name was something like, “John ALLUPINDATASS Robinson” or “Allison SimplyMeAndBeautifull Smith” I can’t take your political opinion seriously. Maybe this one is my fault, maybe I’m just too cynical to believe you can know about such great nicknames AND Medicare. Maybe you’re actually a genius.
If You’re Currently A College Student: If you’re in college and we are Facebook friends I’ve seen every picture you’ve put up because I’m jealous of you. Now I can’t hear about how much of a “Dude” Mitt Romney is or how “Sweet” Barry Obama is when I’ve seen you passed out on the floor with a dick drawn on your cheek.
If You’ve Ever Posted A Picture Of Your Food: You’ve made your choice. Your expertise is “how good you are at ordering food from a menu.” We can only have so many paths in life and you have chosen a weird one. I’ll take your opinions on instgram filters that makes “the gnocchi pop” but I’ll look for my politics elsewhere.
If You’re the Type of Person Who Believes In Your Own Opinion So Arrogantly as to Think That It Carries an Ounce of Weight When Posted on a Social Site Invented to Con Girls into Posting Spring Break Photos: Then you should probably not post anything political. The very action itself deems your opinion unsubstantial and stupid. Not that this is going to stop you.
If You’re Dan Mckenna: C’mon, buddy. You’re cloggin’ my feed. I’ve got babes to creep.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and pictures of Asian babies that you can’t tell the sex of.