Summerrrrr. It’s back. You ready to grab a 12 pack and head poolside with your bros? No matter what pool you decide to make into your party spot, you’re bound to encounter the commonplace types of pool dwelling humans.
1. Your fitness freak friend that girls drool over
Everyone’s got that friend in their group who could double as an Abercrombie model. Girls pay more attention to him for some reason. It could be that I’m over here looking down at the finely crafted 30+ pounds of beer weight that I’ve put on like the magnificent drinker I am, while all the attention goes to B-rad and his abs. It could be that I enjoy getting loud and obnoxiously drunk at the pool, but girls really only come up and talk to me only in hopes of getting introduced to my “hot friend.” Whatever, more beer for me.
2. Jailbait
Hopefully being home for the summer means you’ve fine tuned your “stay out of jail” senses. Make sure you get some identification before you get start hitting on girls at the pool. “Oh you just graduated…college or…?” ID her if you have to. Either girls are maturing at younger ages or there is a conspiracy among America to tempt 20 something year old men into doing a hard ten for trying to get some ass.
3. Bros throwing football
You know the kid in your friend group who was the backup QB in high school? He’s the one that always brings the football to the pool in hopes of telling girls how he was recruited to play football somewhere. While you know he was actually going to try and walk on at Southwestern Bumblefuck Nowhere State University, you play along because your good karma is incredibly low right now. Bonus points if your hand slips and you hit someone in the face and draw blood.
4. Girls only there to “lay out”
Where I’m from, to “lay out” means one of two things – either somebody just got dropped with a punch (my personal favorite, “He got laid the fuck out!”) or 5 girls going to the pool to sit in the sun and bake themselves to death (“I’m so pale I need to fugging lay out”). I’m a pretty competitive person, but the race to getting skin cancer is something I’m willing to let someone else win at.
5. The cockblocking chick
Yoooooo, Melissa. Lets talk about your attitude. I’m trying to wingman for my boy Jeff over here and you’re laying down a full court press on some serious game that’s being thrown down. Please go back to your the stable from which you emerged from this morning.
6. A family who has no idea what they are getting into
If you’re raging outside of your usual pool zone, there’s always going to be that one family who is “on vacation” and has no fucking clue what they are getting themselves into. Their tiny children’s ears will be graced by wonderfully slurred strings of curse words all day. Pay a few extra bucks on your vacation and rent a house with a pool to save your children’s innocence for at least another year.
7. Incredibly wasted fat guy
WHY is there always an incredibly wasted fat guy at a pool party? I do not know. But I am totally okay with it.
8. Person who bleeds
Someone always manages to maim themselves or others at a pool shindig. Example – one time, many moons ago, I almost blinded my best friend with a beer can. I was standing in the middle of the pool, he was sitting on the side with some other people with his feet in the water. People started trying to throw beer cans at a trashcan. Oh! That sounds like a good fucking idea! I took a giant crow hop and God as my witness I threw it harder than Randy Johnson on steroids. As luck would have it, it hooked around my finger and went flying into my friends face, shattering his Ray-Bans. With the amount of hot girls screaming and blood everywhere, you would think I was on the set of Sharknado. As luck would have it, I did not blind my friend and a bandaid/more beer fixed our problems.
In reality, pools are gross. People pee in them, did you know that? Just drink until you forget how gross they are.
Jake Alexander pees in pools. You can send him hateful messages on Twitter – @callmeshitto.