Q. So I've been hanging out, on and off, with this pretty good-looking chick for awhile now. We've hooked up a few times but nothing on a regular basis. Lately, she's been talking to me about other guys and showing scandalous pictures of herself that she's been sending to this other guy. Does this mean I've been friend-zoned?
A. Her talking to you about other dudes and showing you pictures that she sent them does not bode well for you, my friend. Unless you’re still tagging her and she’s just some kinky pig who thinks all the guys she bangs should know about each other, then yeah, you haven’t just been put in the friend-zone, you’ve been anointed king of the f*ckin’ friend-zone.
How's this not obvious to you? She could clearly give less than a sh*t scrap about how you feel. Do yourself a favor and don’t be that pathetic guy who hangs around hoping a girl will eventually develop feelings and become his.
Q. My Bro recently slept with a prostitute and I was wondering if it's ever OK to pay for sex? Would you ever do it?
A. I’ve never rented a prostitute (nor would I) but I guess I technically have engaged in pay-for-sex activity before. However, it wasn't with a pro and in all honesty, I’m thinking my particular situation is kind of a gray area. What I’m trying to say is that if your friends ever take you to the Pink Pony in Miami and treat you to an all-the-fixin’s champagne room experience on your birthday, accept their gift and pray that the club still operates as carelessly as it did back in 2006. Say what you want about my choices but it's bad manners to turn down a gift.
Q. What’s your take on the guys that wear snap backs and match their shoes with them and Nike shirts with nonsense sayings written on them (i.e I make it look easy, or I'm so fly) basically anyone who uses the word swag. Personally, I prefer just wearing a polo or a button-down with some khakis and top-siders.
A. The real question here is: Why the f*ck do you care what other people wear? I understand the unfettered joy that comes from mocking them and calling them douchetubes, but at the same time they’re probably doing the exact same thing to you. While you judge them, they’re thinking you’re the one wearing an unreasonable combination of pure f*ggotry. Questioning how on earth someone can walk around in boat shoes, a polo, and khakis when such swaggalicious things like flat-brims, cargo shorts, and t-shirts with unwitty sayings exist.
But yes, I agree that the matching head-to-toe, flat-brim/t-shirt/shoes combo is awful and that what you wear sounds normal, and similar to something I’d be caught alive in, but add a few elements to that ensemble (a blazer, an un-matching pocket square, make your khakis bright yellow, throw on Gucci loafers with argyle socks) and suddenly you look like a f*cking try-hard who just walked off the most pretentious yacht in the world. I suppose the point in all this is no matter what kind of clothes you decide to wear someone will always hate them and there’s a fine line between looking like a normal human being and looking like an anal conquistador.
As for “swaggggg” and “EPIC” I don’t even want to open that door of distaste. As I’m sure many have, I can barely stand those two words unless they’re being used sarcastically.
Q. Shaving your crack (strictly for practicality, ie. avoidance of dingleberrys), yay or nay?
A. I vote no a thousand times over. Please allow me to tell you how, and why, I came to that conclusion.
One summer during college I was at Virginia Beach with my friends. After a night of extreme drinking we all head to the beach the next morning. As we’re sitting there, my one friend notices that someone buzzed all the hair off of his lower leg while he was sleeping. But the prick that did it only shaved one leg, so the other was still gorilla-type hairy. We all laughed. Then another friend, who was sitting next to him, looked at his legs and realized the same thing: one leg totally void of hair. I was sitting next to him and soon my own laughter came to a halt the very same way. We eventually got our revenge by robbing the culprit of his eyebrow, but that's another story for another time…
I have a healthy amount of leg hair so when I got home I opted to shave my legs. My mother also nudged me in that direction insisting I looked like an idiot with one hairless leg. Plus, it was the summer so there was really no other option. I suppose I could have just shaved what was visible to others but since I had a girlfriend at the time, I WENT FOR IT ALL, BABY! Legs, ass, butthole, the works; full spread. I kind of had to, right? Or at least I thought I did.
Anyway, the next two months were TORTURE. During the stubble phase of re-growth I was so damn itchy. If I was alone, there was a strong chance my hand was in my a**hole scratching it for dear life. Worse than that, perhaps, was when I was at the gym or doing anything that caused me to sweat, which in the summer was literally anything I did. During this juncture in my life I wore boxers and with no hair to catch it, beads of sweat would just cascade down my ass crack, speed past my thigh, flow over my calf, and end up in my goddamn sock. I was like a human game of Plinko. Hot butthole sweat Plinko, but Plinko nonetheless.
Q. If I'm going on campus to a girl's dorm room and she's living with two other roommates, what's the etiquette for hooking up with her? Is it acceptable to take her to Poundtown while her roommates are asleep or should I just leave and call it a night?
If I’m drunk, I don’t care if the Pope is sleeping in a bed three feet from us; if she’s willing, I’m willing. That’s all there is too it. As far as I’m concerned it’s situational hazard of sharing a room in college. Sometimes you get to be on the better end of that hazard. Other times you’re woken up by superfluous female moaning or a dude getting yelled at for shimmying up the girl’s torso just to blow his load on her face. But hey, that’s college. You learn to deal with it.
So I say do it, but absolutely leave the moment it’s over because her roommates are going to be noticeably agitated the next morning and since you just met her there's no need for you to get involved in her problems.