In a country where a man leaks the news of a massive invasion of fourth amendment rights, is charged with espionage, and is forced to book it to Moscow; where our military just became involved in Syria's civil war; and where some huge tragedy like a tornado or a bombing or a shooting seems to happen every week, everyone—everyone!—continues to be fascinated by the debate over one butter-loving, diabetes-giving chef named Paula Deen, and her use of racial slurs.
How do we still continue to be surprised by revelations like this? How does anyone find outrage anymore? Don't stories like this happen all the time, and don't they all follow the same pattern? Public figure says something idiotic, the outrage machine begins turning, his/her defenders blast detractors for being too "politically correct," and, in a few months, the public figure finds some sort of acceptance through a nationwide apology tour? Deen is just the latest celebrity to be exposed as—shocker!—a non-Mensa candidate, someone who can't wrap her head around something as simple as "Don't have plantation-themed weddings with black actors dressing as slaves," and shouldn't we find it more difficult to take seriously the plight of someone so clueless? This is a woman who makes burgers with donuts serving as the buns. Yet she's leading off news broadcasts now. Is it possible that the reason is due more to her controversy being simple and easy to draw up emotions, rather than difficult and complex, like, say, the PRISM issue?
Anyway, the Food Network found itself under siege today by Deen's fans, who are spamming the network's Facebook page to express their displeasure over the firing. You'd think Mario Batali had personally come to each one of these poor sap's houses and brutally murdered their dogs—then eaten their Apple Bean Baked Casseroles—after reading these wailings. They say a shit-ton about our celebrity culture and how we hold these people up as gods. And why we care so much over fundamentally unimportant things as a network firing its employee.
Then Bill Maher, of all people, defended Deen on his show Friday. He's a life-long contrarian, so it shouldn't be that surprising.
Instead, I say we turn to our country's No. 1 scholar and scribe, Karl Welzein, for his take, because it's about the level of seriousness something like this deserves:
Yesterday, Bean Tooth said he heard that baker gal Paula Deen was in trouble for callin' soul brothers the n-word? Kinda concerning.— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) June 23, 2013
Bean Tooth said he found out 'cause he likes to look up Paula Deen on his 'puter for "aged porker strokin'." Crass, yet understandable?— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) June 23, 2013
Can't argue that Paula Deen's butter browned mega buttcheeks could be erotically enticing when you're at the bottom of a bottle, you guys.— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) June 23, 2013
Bean Tooth said he wants to feast on sweets off Paula Deen's "sloppy hogs" while he, "milks his sinner." Little much for lunchtime convo.— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) June 23, 2013
Told Bean Tooth, "Chill on the erotic solo pleasure info while I'm eatin' my BK. It ain't good manners to make tug talk over a meal."— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) June 23, 2013
When Bean Tooth started sayin' how he'd "give anything" to see Paula Deen, "triple soul pipe slammed" I went to finish my lunch elsewhere.— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) June 23, 2013