Life
by Andy Moore on July 1, 2013

A little over a month ago, Jim Standridge gave a sermon that has since gone viral, primarily because it seems to confirm every negative stereotype the likes of R/atheism holds of megalomaniac pastors. Standridge's five-minute rant began when he noticed a member of his congregation falling asleep, and what followed was just a legendary run of quotes. A few personal favorites:

“I'm important. I'm somebody. You might do your English teacher that way, but I'm not teaching English, I'm teaching eternal life here. I love you.”

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'D MARRY YOU? You're one of the sorriest church members I have. You're not worth 15 cents! Now let me tell everyone here how much I love these kids.”

“I'm the real deal.”

And, easily the best: “If you LOVED ME, you wouldn't go about establishing your own KINGDOM in the video room!”

Shockingly, the man with the paid-for Buick Enclave did not apologize after the fact, telling a Skiatook, Oklahoma reporter (while wearing a bolo tie, because of course) that he's simply “not like most pastors.” I love that excuse. That's an excuse we all could benefit from falling back on. “Well, Jimmy, I hired you as a janitor and instead of cleaning the toilets, you appear to have taken a shit in the middle of the bathroom floor. Anything to to say for yourself?”

“I'm not like most janitors.”

[H/T: Maurice]