Life
by Rebecca Martinson on July 16, 2014

Screen shot 2014-07-16 at 2.02.33 PM

Oh Paris, this is why aliens won’t talk to us. Somewhere out there in their little alien spaceships, some green midget man said to himself “You know, we were going to make contact with Earth today…but did you see that Paris Hilton video? Sheet, I ain’t aboutta get involved widdat nonsense,” and then they promptly sped off to a galaxy far, far away where bullshit like this doesn’t exist.

For those of you who are going about your happy lives and have yet to be informed of the human race’s impending doom…well I’ll just spit it out. Paris Hilton’s new “music” video for her “song” Come Alive came out today. I have to give credit where credit is due though, in which case I’ll say one thing for Paris: she must genuinely give -100 fucks. If she makes at least $1.00 off of this video it’s probably a victory in her mind. So good for you Ms. Hilton…except no one would pay 10 cents for this, let alone a dollar. But before we begin, let me warn you…

brokeback

Still reading? Alrighty, buckle your seatbelts ya assholes, we’re about to drive through a shitstorm in a turdmobile. For starters, we’ve got this…

komedi_1405534718215_339

I’m assuming it’s supposed to be like this…

Running_Carmen_Electra_UNCENSORED

…but all I’m getting out of it is this.

cindy running

But you know, it’s really not fair to judge a music video off of its first 10 seconds. So I kept going, thinking “Hey, maybe it’ll get better and that random migraine I got right as I started watching will go away.” Except you know what doesn’t make migraines go away? Flippy hippy shit with no purpose whatsoever.

paris 2

Is Paris trying to be playful and flirty by flipping that stupid dress around, or is she trying to subtly waft away a fart she just ripped so that the video director doesn’t finally realize what a joke his career has become?

fart

Because honestly, I’m not sure. The only thing girls and flower headbands make me think of is that Disney movie Hercules, purely because they’re supposed to be “earthy” when in reality, all I see is that fat little troll thing.

giphy

Speaking of flowers, do you know how many fucking times we get to see a random shot of a blossoming plant? I counted, we get FIVE. Maybe even more, because there are so FUCKING MANY that I lost count. I’ll warn you right now that if you have severe allergies, you may want to skip over this next part.

flower 3 flower 2 flower 1

flower 5 flower 4

But it’s okay guys, because finally, FINALLY, after nearly two minutes of flowers flying out the butthole that I’m starting to think I’m watching an ad for the gardening department at Home Depot, we finally reach the only reason anyone actually sat down to watch this video.

boob

But it’s for less than a second. Yup, you’ve watched a Paris Hilton music video for almost two minutes already and that’s all you got to show for it. We’ve come this far guys, we may as well keep go- oh for fuck’s sake, there’s a unicorn in this overproduced tampon commercial too?

unicorn paris

I don’t even need to say anything about this, because Rob Zombie’s already covered it in Halloween II.

zombie horse def

“Like rage with ensuing chaos and destruction.” Yep, that pretty accurately describes my current state of mind after having not only taken notes on this video, but having sat here and fucked around with a gif maker so I could pull all five of those flower shots. Everyone in the office step back because Michael Myers is aboutta start running train.

mike myers 1 mike myers 2

I’m sorry to inform you Michael, but no matter how much you try to break through that door you won’t escape this song.  Our only hope is that Paris hasn’t drained all of that poor Unicorn’s soul and that we get something like this.

unicorn death

Guys, I can’t do it anymore. There’s no hope of a swift death coming to either myself or Paris and I don’t know if I can do this anymore…but I’ll try. I’ll try becaus- oh what the fuck she has bangs now? I quit. Fuck this gif shit I quit.

bangs

 

i quit nope

Take your unicorn and your weird vagina-sex-tape-metaphor flower blossoms and blow’em out your ass, Hilton.

unicorn rainbow butt

Rebecca Martinson

About Rebecca Martinson...

Rebecca Martinson is a recent graduate from the University of Maryland who is notoriously known throughout the Internet for being really, really adequate at writing emails. She joined BroBible right after graduating in the Spring of 2014 and doesn't hate it...yet.