I got to tell ya, I thank God every time these dictionaries come out saying that words are now OFFICIALLY WORDS. I've felt so dirty, for so long, using them while knowing full well that the overlords of the English language didn't approve. I'm thrilled that they finally gave "douche" their blessing. Overjoyed, really.
So because of these words now becoming actual words, I feel the need to write a story using all 29 of them.
Before we begin, here's the entire list of words now recognized by Oxford Dicitonary:
DW (darling wife)
OH (other half)
UX (user experience)
vote someone/thing off the island
And now a story about a blind date:
It was date night and, just like I do before every big blind date, I locked the door to my room, fired up the porn machine and tried to have myself a good old hackathon. Tragically, my wi-fi cut out mid-stroke. For a moment it completely killed my UX when I thought we might be getting hit by an ethical hacker, but then I looked down at my OH and knew I didn't have time to worry about that; my date time was approaching and leaving the house without emptying my ripped boner was not an option.
After I finished my prep work and threw on some clothes, I emerged from my room to see my two brahs watching "27 Dresses" (a guilty pleasure) on the couch. They both threw me a "f*ck bitches, get money" high-five for good luck, but we decided to forgo the group hug because that's for douches and fancy boys.
I'd really been looking forward to this day, but when I got to the restaurant I couldn't believe what I saw. I mean, it was f*ckin' ridic! Standing there, at the bar, sipping a dirty martini and smoking an e-cigarette was this micropig, Snooki-looking bitch. I said to myself, no way this is the same slut I video-chatted with. I quickly grabbed my phone and sent a photo to my tweeps with the caption "Can't believe I'm fucking this tonight. Lolz!"
Yeah, I lifecast, sue me.
Immediately after I hit the tweet button, I received hundreds DM's in my inbox. Apparently, the bartender photobombed me and made it to look like his dick was half way in this chick's ear. Now, this girl would never be my DW or anything but if a guy was going to disgrace her, it was going to be me. I ran right up to that son of a bitch and I said, "Apologize to the lady before I vote you off the island, you scum." Had him shaking in his boots. The bold move even caught the attention of some grisly old drifter sitting down at the bar, we caught eyes and he gave me a "atta boy" hat tip. For a moment, he felt like the father I never had.
Dinner was nice. We talked for a while; micropig told me she was some kind of Wikipedian or genius or something. I wasn't really paying attention to anything she said. That is, until she mentioned how she likes to vajazzle. I quickly flagged the waiter. "Another dirty martini for this thing," I said.
After dinner, the night was still young so I offered her to come back to my place for a drink. She obliged but on the ride home she kept claiming that she wasn't going to have sex with me, that her vagina had a "hosepipe ban" or some stupid sh*t like that. You know, typical drunk-girl-not-wanting-to-seem-like-a whore comments. Well, wouldn't you know it, no more than fifteen minutes later we're back at my place and she's sporting sickest soul patch made of jizz I've ever seen. And the best part is: The whole time I was hosepipe deep in micropig, my brahs were in the closet watching. Mwahahaha!