Q. Have you ever pooped, then wiped, and nothing was there?
A. BOY HAVE I!
Admittedly, I was really excited when I got this question. But now that I’ve confessed to taking a few flawless no-wipe-necessary shits in my day, I’m wondering what’s left to do with it. I guess there's nothing… kind of like when the stars align and your a**hole cleans itself.
Q. What's with the common misconception that a douchebag and a Bro are one in the same?
A. The problem with the word “Bro” is how misappropriated it’s become. Watch an episode of “Jersey Shore,” take a shot for every time those mandrills calls each other “Bro” and if you survive you’ll understand why people consider Bros to be douchebags.
On top of the saturation of the word, you also have to take into consideration that everyone thinks everyone else is a douchebag. Bros think hipsters are douchebags, hipsters think Bros are douchebags, and everyone thinks kids who wear cargo shorts are douchebags. We live in a world of unfound hatred for things we don’t understand and that, sure as my shit is long, isn’t going to change anytime soon. So revel in it, ignore it, or fail to realize you’re the butt of the joke, like Timothy Tebow.
Q. The girl I like has a boyfriend two hours away. She is really cute and we get along well. Is it okay to make a move if I feel a connection?
A. Sure, why the f*ck not? The right answer is obviously: go find your own girl and stop pining after taken broads. But there are plenty of worse things you could be doing than shacking up with some other dude’s broad. So if Casey Anthony can kill her own child and walk free and Jerry Sandusky can befoul little boys for a decade while his pals cover it up, surely you can f*ck another guy’s chick till that gets boring, right?
Q. When is the worst time to let out a fart?
A. When there's a 100% chance shit's coming with it.
Q. Okay I am a sophomore at Oklahoma State. Last year I met this pretty cool chick and she seemed pretty legit so we started hanging out and I eventually asked her if she'd go out with me. She says yes and we've been going out till a couple of weeks ago. What happened was I had been hearing shit from some guys on the team that she was flirting and always with this one guy and always at pretty odd places. So I'm coming back from practice, I walk into my room and I see my roommate, and my girl on top of him making out and his hands down her pants. I immediately kicked both of them out and started making plans to get a new roommate but now they say that they're sorry and they want me back as their friend/bf. What should I do? I mean I thought i loved this girl and I thought this guy was a true pal. I've know both of them for a little over a year. If I stick with my girl I'd be afraid I'd hate her forever and my bro, God I can't believe he did that.
A. Well, that had to be unpleasant for you. Certainly something to you won't be able to un-see, or ever forget. That said, you WILL hate the girl for a long time, there's no two ways about it. So ditch that sl*t permanently (f*cking her one last time couldn't hurt). It's hard to say what to do with your friend. You may eventually forgive him, but then again, physically seeing him finger f*cking your girl had to be a kick in the dick. Personally, I don't know if I could get past that without literally taking his hand from him. Roy Munson style.
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