I SAID HEY!
You can stop with the pushups, I don’t think it’s gonna make a difference at this point. Look, I see the stack of lax pinnies folded on your bed. I know what’s about to go down.
Spring Break. Those two mellifluous words still bring tears of joy to my weary eyes. Nowadays, my Spring Break consists of the 8 minutes I spend checking Twitter in the bathroom stall during work. The real world sucks, so I want you to cherish this glorious week like manna from the Gods.
Wait…Did you shave your chest? Come on, dude.
The sole purpose of Spring Break is to fuck as many bitches as you can. DO! NOT! OVERBROSE! Overbroseing is an epidemic that is a far-too fatal cause of wasted Spring Breaks. It occurs when a bro spends way too much time doing the Bro-huddle dance and going shot-for-shot with his boys until he ends up leaving the club alone and pussy-less. Sure, you took this trip with your boys, but they’ll be there when you get back to school. Random other-college ass will not. WALK AWAY FROM THE TABLE. JUST LEAVE. GET IN THE CROWD. GO UP TO ANY GIRL. YOU DON’T NEED MUTUALS ON TINDER. JUST SAY “WHAT’S UP?” Your fat friend will understand. He’ll probably end up hooking up with some fat rando from another school anyway.
Every Spring Break, a fight goes down. Despite being the most statistically apathetic people in the world, every college kid on Spring Break feels the need to mercilessly defend his frat, team, or school against outsiders like a Palestinian and the fucking West Bank. This is a massive waste of time. Do not scrap in a foreign country! You will be arrested and sent to a dystopian prison colony where the inmates will shank your gringo ass with your own Wayfarers. Your dad’s attorney bro cannot save you! If you see something about to go down, walk away. They will be carted off by corrupt polícía, and you can swoop in on their vulnerable women like a pelican on a catfish. I think pelicans eat catfish.
This may come as a shocker to you, but the kid who promotes parties on campus may not be the most reliable travel agent. Sure, he’s got the sick hook up on the Ultra VIP All-Access Gold Consensual Sex Bracelets, but shop around. You’re gonna be staying at some shit hotel, might as well pay shit prices. And all those “student travel” companies? Those dudes are just 30-year-old versions of the promoter kid. Do try and cop one of those baller-ass villas, though. You can get a butler to light himself on fire for like 30 bucks and a Retweet.
Don’t be the guy with fourth degree sunburns, ruptured vocal chords, and Roxie withdrawals by day three. You’ll ruin the trip, or perhaps even worse, die. And if you die, who will upload pictures from the trip? Who? Not Goldman, he never tags anyone. Fucking dick.
You got that all? Now go get ‘em. By the way, Freshmen Me, start saying stuff like “Swag” and “Winning!” People will think you’re the man in a couple months. Oh and there’s gonna be this show called Downton Abbey that you’ll get really into that will make you question your sexuality forever. Have fun!
Krum is an NYC baced comedian. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom