Life
by Jordan Mooney on May 23, 2013

In this game you are to ignore your opponent (…who is also the object of your affection) until they are essentially full court pressing you. By that of course, I mean a guy can’t stop thinking about you, and you know it. Because a 3P triple text from a guy you’re into is endearing, whereas a 3P triple text from a girl is “crazy.” 3A from either side just means parties are blacked out and want to bone.

If anything, zone defense is the ticket, no sense going to man-to-man until you’re sure you’re the only one he’s posting up against. Remember offense wins games, defense wins championship. In other words, if you let them straight to the hole for a night it will be fun, but nothing long term will come from it. There will be no game 7 or game 5 for that matter, this series is over. 

As a girl, the longer you can protect this house and play D (…NOT WITH “THE D”)….the longer you win. No matter what happens, no matter how many drunk texts you send him before you give it up, you’re still friends and “chill,” the minute you have sex you create a jump ball scenario and it could be anyone’s game.  As in, you could be one drunk snap chat or text away from be deemed “crazy.” 

I say “crazy” because when a bro calls you crazy* for the most part, they’re just saying “I can’t figure you out” in the most dick way possible.  If a bro finds your behavior out of sorts, the thing to do is figure out what is going on – but that takes time, and between Chipotle and slamming beers bros don’t always have the time for that – or more realistically they just don’t have an interest in knowing, but don’t want to out right say that – so they give you the crazy card. and attempt to make it seem like it’s your fault.  We can look to Dave Chappelle to confirm this:

“The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive….’I don't understand this person. So they're crazy.’  That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people.  Maybe their environment is a little sick.”

Bros know using the term “crazy” is our Kryptonite and will act as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  We might (will) try to prove how “not crazy we are” with a slew of texts explaining ourselves, because nothing says “I’m not crazy” like 15 consecutive texts followed by a “call me when you get a chance.” 

*This is circumstantial, there are some girls you can just look at and know they are nuts…e.g. Amanda Bynes; if you find yourself crawling through a doggie door because a guy isn’t returning your calls/texts/facebook messages/g chats…..girl, you’ve gone crazy. If you smoke so much crack you’re living in a Motel 6 and don’t even know what year it is, you have gone crazy…. But I’m guessing you don't smoke too much crack to give a shit.

Note: If you are past the point of caring with a bro, you don’t run in the same circles, and think you have “lost your dignity” to the point of no return and he’s giving you the “crazy card.” Give him something to back that up with, some meat on those “crazy” bones….like….ya know….RT a Tweet of his from 6 months ago, or even better, RT a girl that tweeted @ him at some point, post Shania Twain’s “Still the One” and see how long it takes him to remove that post from his timeline. Have some fun with it, YOLO. Why not be the most crazy, since bros love to use this term loosely? At least you’re doing community service, because you’re showing this bro crazy, other girls he dates will be compared to you (…that's human nature), and if you do this well enough, you will make his future suitors look good because she isn’t as “crazy” as you. It’s like you’re Mother Theresa.  

In many cases right when you think you’ll never hear from a bro again, he’ll come out of the woodworks. An entire winter has passed, you genuinely stopped seeking out his Facebook page and refreshing his Twitter…. May rolls around, you get a text. Resurrection in this case is usually spurred by warm weather, shots and girls in cut offs. 

One of the greatest players of all time, MJ, once said “Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb is, go through it, or walk around it.” Nope. If he does not text your back after five texts, he’s just not that into you. It’s highly unlikely he is in a remote location where he doesn’t have service for three hours; did he mention volunteer work in South Sarah Desert? Is he an astronaut and going to be in space?  Oh, he’s in a bar where he “didn’t have service.” Maybe he could’ve move five feet and obtain a signal. Plus how much fun is it to just watch a team get brutally massacred and blown out by their opponent; it’s not even a game any more and you start to take pity on the loser (aka the hyper-texter). 

“Games are stupid, I’m so over them,” – said almost every girl ever, and many guys… but you know who else said this? The kid who wasn’t good enough to be on the team and maybe ate is lunch alone in the library or worse, with drama club without even being a part of drama. People who don’t know how to play the game hate it, because they don’t win – and if winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?  A wise man once said “Without games how do we know who’s winning,” thanks Seinfeld.  What is going to keep us entertained? But at the end of the day, you just want to play, have fun and enjoy the game…. Then hope you star in a cinema master piece that is half as great as Space Jam.

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