2:00 p.m.: Dad picks me up at the train station.
“Are you hungover?”
“Are you lying?”
2:15 p.m.: We arrive home.
Dad proudly shows me his new iPad. I tap the Safari icon, revealing the previously visited page. It’s YouPorn. A video resumes playing. A bored woman moans disingenuously as she is double penetrated by two burly co-stars.
“What? It’s free!”
I am not as disturbed as I am impressed that he knew about YouPorn.
3:00 p.m.: Thanksgiving Dinner.
Dad attempts to cut the turkey with a new electric carver. The blade comes off the handle and gets lodged in the bird. He curses profusely, handle in hand. My mom calls him a “schmuck” and she snaps the blade back on to the handle. She attempts to carve the turkey, yielding the same results. The two begin arguing. I decide to give it a shot. The handle’s “BLADE RELEASE” button was on the whole time.
3:45 p.m.: We discuss Hipsters
“Ev, what’s a hipster? I keep hearing about all these hipsters everywhere!”
I open up my laptop and show my Dad Tumblr blogs and Instagram accounts of bearded men drinking PBRs and riding fixies.
“What kind of jobs do they have?”
“I don’t know, some work at artisanal pickle stores…. some write.”
“Does that make you a hipster?”
This question leads to deep introspection and soul-searching as I silently convince myself that I am not. Dammit, Dad.
4:15 p.m.: My mom attempts to remember the name of her new favorite TV show.
“Y’know…it’s the one on HBO…with the girls…”
She is referring to HBO’s Girls.
5:00 p.m.: Post-dinner conversation
“Grandma Shirley is going for her mammography tomorrow. You know what a mammography is, right Ev?
“Yes, Mom. Anyway-
“It’s when they put the booby on glass and—“
“Got it, Mom!”
5:30 p.m.: Nap time
We simultaneously pass out on our 3-piece sectional. Who needs football when we can tackle each other’s emotional issues?!
Have any funny family interactions over the holidays? Think I’m an unappreciative little prick? Are your parent’s dead? That sucks. Leave your thoughts in the comment section and the best one will receive a comment back from me!!! Isn’t that rewarding?!
Krum is an NYC based comedian that has mixed feelings regarding his father's masturbatory content preferences. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom