Life
by Fitz E Fresh on September 11, 2013

Q: Hey. I'm 35 and have yet to find “the one.” It doesn't help that I don't date too much, and every time I do find a girl that ”seems” cool, she is actually batshit fucking crazy. Any tips on how to break the crazy bitch streak and how to not be a pussy about approaching girls that are worthy of approaching?

A: See, in that last part there—the part about not being a pussy and approaching approach-worthy ladies—you actually answered your own question. Amazing how that happens sometime. You're pursuing the crazy losers because they're who you think is in your league, while avoiding those girls who are hot and normal because you consider them to be out of your league.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? Display confidence. Step beyond your boundaries; be willing to accept rejection—maybe even blow off a babe once in a while for ego's sake. Why the fuck not?  Do whatever it takes to not be over thirty and still seeking advice from a 20-something (robot?) individual on a boob website.

Q: Dear Babe, I have a weird thing I do where I like to weigh myself before and after sex. I want to see how much weight I lose from sweating, cumming, etc… How can I explain this in a way that seems normal?

A: God… yeah, that is weird. Frankly I don't think there's a way to make any part of that seem normal. And furthermore, I have a lot of follow up questions. Like, how much does cum weigh? Do you sweat a lot? Are you manorexic? Do you bone inside of trash bags?

Fuck. Now you've got me all interested. If that's what you're into then… do your thing I guess. I'm certainly not going to stop you, and it sort of sounds like I'm the only person you've told. But you're never going to make it seem normal. In fact, I'd keep this one to yourself: enjoy your strange obsession in private, and don't forget to hide your weight log journal somewhere other than near the scale.

Q: Babe, some advice needed here. As a 20-something male living in New York, how does a decent-looking but really successful guy stack up against a much more attractive guy with a decent job? Does a girl instinctively go for one? Feel like I've been getting the shaft as of late and wondering if it's my wingman thats stealing the spotlight.

A: Well this all depends, of course, on which of the two 'hypothetical' dudes you represent. If the former, you've got a… decent shot. Chicks dig the riches and if you put the vibe out early—which most of you finance bros do—you'll successfully attract a (certain type of) girl. I will, however, say that if you're the latter, more attractive and slightly less successful of the two, you're probably doing a little bit, to a lot, better. It's just how it goes.

Your mediocre looks will generally be overshadowed by your friend's extreme good looks when trying to attract the noteworthy members of the opposite sex, regardless of income. Be not dismayed, though, basic-looking-bro, for there are still eligible and slightly more attractive female fish in the sea. There always are, especially when you live in the city of dreams (read: excessive babes, coke and extravagance).

Q: What is the worst form of contact or social media that you'd still accept a guy to ask you out through? I'm not talking Twitter, etc., but would you think about a date invite from an email? Times have definitely changed… so just wondering.

A: Yes, cyberbreau. Times have indeed changed—and I'd argue, are still a-changin'—quite a bit since Mark Zuckerberg released his evil into the interwebs and, consequently, the minds of all formerly social members of society.

However, no matter how different things may be from the days of home phones and pagers—which probably none of you fuckers even know about (okay, I never had a pager either. But god DAMN it if I don't know what *67 is)—it's still not sexy to make a formal pass via the typed word. AKA, don't Email, Gchat, Facebook or text a romantic advance toward any woman you're trying to pursue. I realize it's “convenient” and “accessible” and many other words which allow you to behave like a total pussy, but man up and do it the old-fashioned way.

For the slow kids in the back—that means in person. Like, face-to-face and shit. If you want to eventually have sex with her, which you do, you should be able to look that babe in the eye and ask her real proper-like to engage in some dinner plans. Eventually, you'll reach the point where texting “Come over” is an acceptable form of invite, because you've slept together for months and neither one gives a fuck. But until then, pretend that chivalry is not dead and man up like your forefathers did before you.

Q: As a pretty fashionable guy I've noticed a lot of “slim” looks on men lately. I think I can get on the train but I don't want to overdo it. How do you draw the line, and are certain guys just not supposed to wear “slim” stuff? Thanks Babe.

A: I have a deep appreciation for the fashion-conscious male, so hats off to you for taking some precautions before jumping on the trend train. Sometimes it can end in a fatal crash, like men wearing womens
trousers, or rattails.

But you have observed correctly: Slim is in. And I say take the plunge. Not only am I consistently reliable, savvy and generally a forward-thinking source, I work in men's fashion so I'm actually telling you from a basic selling standpoint. If you're unsure of where to start, I say pants. You don't have to go skinny jeans, but look for the happy medium between boot cut and thigh hugger.

If you do it right, its sexy as hell. It shows confidence, self-awareness, and the outline of your muscular legs. We're into it.

If you're a skinnier dude, I say mix in some slim shirts as well. Don't drown in your Brooks Brothers hand-me-downs that your dad wore in college (though those definitely serve a purpose as well). Find something that alludes vaguely to your trim and svelte physique. The bitches, they'll go wild. And finally, if your workplace requires a formal dress, take that suit slim. Don't, PLEASE DON'T, be the guy in the $1,000 suit that looks like a pair of unhemmed bellbottoms and a fat guy's borrowed blazer. Keep that shit tight, and get your tailor to follow suit. Pun motherfucking intended.