Q. What’s the proper etiquette for office farting?
A. I say as long as you’re not breaking the sound barrier or dropping sulfur eggs, go for it. Might not be the most popular or “classy” answer, but have you ever held in like 75 farts at once? Sure you have. And it’s discomforting as f*ck. Laying there, after an unfavorable meal, next to a girl you just started seeing, trying to have a good time, maybe flick a little bean in the process, only problem is you’ve got 1000 psi worth of farts stacked inside yourself. And for some unknown reason, every time to try to go “take a piss” just so you can fart and ease your pain, nothing comes out! It’s as if you’re a**hole is revolting against you for not cooperating in the first place. So I ask you, is that really the kind of agony you want to feel at work, a place you already hate being?
Q. What would make a better movie, “Arrested Development” or “Entourage”?
A. I genuinely like both shows. I know people said “Entourage” started to suck, but I never watched it for it’s believable storylines. No one did.
That said, I think “Arrested Development” will undoubtedly be a better movie. Not only because it was a better show, but also because it had better writers. I don’t want to take anything away from “Entourage” but their jokes lived and died with their ability to abuse profanity. HBO allows for such irreverence. “Arrested Development, ” however, didn’t have that luxury so it had to be, and was, hilarious without that.
Q. My Bro is out of town and my other Bro let one of our Bros crash in the Bro's bed who is out of town. Our Bro ended up f*cking in the Bro's bed. Should I tell my Bro what happened?
A. So let me get this straight. Bro 1 allowed Bro 2 to sleep and f*ck in Bro 3’s bed. And you, Bro 4, are wondering if you should rat Sex Bro, (previously known as Bro 2), out to Bro 3?
If Sex Bro washed Bro 3’s sheets after he f*cked Girl 1, then this should be a non-issue. However, if he left the bed covered in fluids and Girl 1’s a**hole sweat, then ratting him out is just common courtesy on your part.
Q. I hooked up with this girl a few months back, we f*cked a bit then she just stopped talking and doing things with me. I saw her again recently and I asked why, she said she was just really busy. I want to see if I can get with her again, but I don't know if that's cool, and she is still going out with her boyfriend. What do I do?
A. Move on. She chose her choice. For Christ's sake, she was f*cking you while she was dating this other guy. So I can see why you like her. She’s a sl*t. Sluts are purposeful like that. It’s what makes them the best too. But you only f*ck sl*ts, you don’t date them/care if they die in a grease fire. So move on.
Q. Hey there, so….. I've always kinda wanted 2 suck a white guy's dick! Can I suck yours?
A. Not with that attitude you can’t. I mean, are you kidding me? You “kinda” want to suck a white guy’s dick? No chicks get within an ear-shot of my cock, let alone suck the f*cking thing, without deplorable certitude and the filthiest intent.
Q. I love midcalfs but I don’t know witch brand is best, Under Armor or Nike.
A. I’ll let people who give a shit about things like how cool your socks look answer this.
Q. Should a guy ever warn a girl who is about to hookup with his Bro that his Bro has an STD? Forgot to mention the guy giving the warning likes the girl too.
A. Likes her how? As a love interest or just as someone he wouldn’t want to see get kicked in the spine by a mule? There’s a big difference there.
Admittedly, I’m torn. Whatever is done will be the wrong answer to someone. Two options: You can either sit this one out anD let Jesus take the wheel OR you can cock block your friend and mutilate his reputation all in an effort to save the girl you want to be with from getting an STD? Hmm.
Knowingly giving someone an STD is the lowest of the low, especially if you’ve got an ever-lasting gift. Without informing the world that your friend has an STD (which is what happens when you tell a chick something of this magnitude) talk to him about it, AS A FRIEND. Not as the jealous guy who is pissed about someone else putting his diseased dick in the girl you like. The problem here is that's your real gripe. He's got what you want. And I'm sure you're a great member of society and all, but saving her from the STD monster wouldn't even be an issue if you didn’t like her, would it?
Dog-Shit Video Submission of the Week
This is a festive new addition to the Ask a Bro column. Usually, we just ignore any and all user submissions we deem as being terrible (or at least I do, I can’t speak for others), but f*ck that. From now on, if you send us your dogshit video, and I think it’s hellacious, I’m going to put it on the stove, set it to a boil, and serve it to our readers. Because that’s what you’ve asked of us in the first place: To force your boiled piece of shit down the throats of honest men and women.
This week, comedian (keep that in mind) Phil Johnson wrote in suggesting that our readers would love to see a video of his. In an effort to not misquote him, he actually said, “Thought your readers might like this video. Singers and actors have been endorsing colognes for years. This is the first one from a comedian.”
“Oh boy, a comedian,” I thought to myself “this should be a halfway-decent parody.” Then, I watched it… and it was less decent than fetish adult entertainment featuring cleft lips.