I can’t believe I gotta go into all of this, but apparently there are some of you out there that just aren’t getting it. You’d think that folks would have been able to pick up on some basic bathroom etiquette sometime before the end of middle school, but back then, I also thought that I’d be a millionaire by now and look how that turned out. So the next time you decide you need to kill fifteen minutes on the office can, keep a few things in mind.
Don’t Talk to Me
I’m not gonna sit here and claim to be one of those guys that’s thrown off by a little locker room talk. Sure it’s a little weird to chum it up at the urinal, dick out, but we’re all adults here. I just don’t want to hear about that data report you’ve been harping on all morning. If we’re being honest (we are), the only reason I came in here was so I didn’t have to hear you talk about all that jazz in the first place. Oh, who’s your alma mater got this weekend? Don’t care. If you don’t have anything of value to say, just keep it to yourself, muchacho.
For the Love of God, Leave the Toothbrush at Home
Don’t get it twisted, I’ll never knock someone for practicing good oral hygiene. I totally get that you don’t want to have this morning’s sausage egg and cheese McMuffin stuck in your teeth when meeting with a potential client, but you know what’s even worse than a face to face with wicked coffee breath? Associates thinking you’re the type of guy that could potentially turn them into a skin suit. It’s pretty widely recognized that brushing your teeth at work is a crazy move, so unless you want to be known as “that guy,” I’d leave the crest at home.
No Food or Drink in the Bathroom
What’s better than a week old turkey sandwich from the company cafeteria? A week old turkey sandwich from the company cafeteria with a hint of dingleberry. Seriously, the only thing that could be worse than brushing your teeth in the office bathroom is bringing your lunch in there with you. I’m not Bill Nye the Science Guy, but I’m confident that there is zero nutritional value brought on by leaving your “#1 Dad” coffee mug sitting next to the sink while you drain the main vein. Leave the snacks at your desk or in the break room. You’re already gross, so no one will fuck with them.
Pee Like a Normal Human Being
No joke, there is some guy in my office that pees with his pants damn near around his ankles, kindergarten style. I was hesitant to call him out on the net because, you know, I thought there might be something wrong with him, but nope. Just a big weirdo that appreciates a gentle breeze when he pisses I guess. No one hand up on the wall, no longshots, no gangster leans. Simple stuff, people.
When Available, Take the Handicapped Stall
This one is more of just a general guideline than anything else. Don’t be a dick, if someone legitimately needs the handicapped stall, be a gentleman, but if you have your pick of the litter, go for it. Anytime you have an opportunity to enjoy spacious luxury in any facet of life, you need to take that. You think King Tut sat on some cramped, dingy, 3×5 throne? Fuck no. Dude enjoyed the finer things in life and so should you. Carpe Diem, motherfucker.
Limit Unnecessary Noises on the John
Look, I’m a reasonable guy. I’ve been on this earth twenty-something years and I’d like to think I’ve seen it all sitting on the commode. I realize that you’re gonna have some unpleasant noises and that’s perfectly natural, but if some poor sap in the stall next to me sounds like the big bad wolf, huffing and puffing and blowing the God damn house down, a line needs to be drawn. We’re in public, man. If the two spot is causing you that much trouble, they have doctors for that, you know.
Clean Up After Yourself
This isn’t Korea. There are rules, you know. Maybe you’re used to that obese wife of yours cleaning up after you, but Rosanne isn’t here and that toilet paper on the ground isn’t gonna pick itself up. Make sure to flush, too. This is a fortune 500 office, not a dive bar bathroom. Leaving without flushing is like wiping your butt with the Shroud of Turin, just next level disrespect.
Leave the Paper in the Stall
Some folks out there will lead you to believe that this is a crazy move, but personally, I’m all in. While smart phones have done flipped the bathroom game on it’s motherfucking head, I’m an old school guy, and nothing beats the feel and the nostalgia brought on by a good old fashioned newspaper. Sometimes it’s the little things that keep you going, and stumbling across the sports page mid-shit can be enough to get you through the day. Or at the very least, keep you on the Lou until your legs go numb.