Life
by Brandon Cohen on June 5, 2014

threesome_94314737-e1401867283607

I hate that I have to add threesomes to my rapidly expanding lis of  ”Things To Fear,” but after hearing this story, it’s with a heavy heart that I must.

Wealthy NYC “playboy” and “former government intern,” Michael Curreri, was broing out hard at Tao nightclub with some friends this past Saturday night. One thing led to another, and he ended up hitting it off with two hot chicks who were game to go home with him. If this were me, immediately red flags would’ve shot up. As soon as we got to the cab, I’d stop in my tracks and be like, “wait a minute… two smokes are just super game to go home with me? I’m absolutely about to get drugged and robbed.” But Mr. Curreri takes sunglasssed pics in front of Ferraris, so I guess this seemed within the realm of possibility for him.

When they arrived back at his Gramercy apartment things started to heat up. The girls got naked and showered together because of course they would. Does this stuff really happen? They then fixed him a drink… I mean, now things are just getting out of hand. No girl is fixing a guy a drink in his apartment. How did they even know where the cups were?!

After taking down the drink, he woke up the next day at 1pm having no idea what happened, and having had his place completely ransacked. According to the NY Post, the big-boobed bandits snagged “a $10,000 Rolex watch, a Mac laptop, $10,600 in cash, a $2,000 passport holder, his iPhone, and a pair of $800 sunglasses.” A) Is this guy a Bond villain? B) Who knew passport holders were even a thing, much less, two thousand dollar ones. C) I really need to get a job as a “former government intern,” as it seems to be insanely lucrative.

What’s scary isn’t so much that this story happened, but that law enforcement’s reaction was basically, “oh yeah, the ol’ threesome turned robbery scheme. That’s a Manhattan staple.” SINCE WHEN? I’m taking a self-imposed vow of threesome celibacy until these threesome bandits are caught. I encourage everyone else to do the same. It will be tough, but safety comes first.

IMPORTANT CAVEAT: The women were described as both having long hair and being between 115-120 lbs, so feel free to have as many threesomes with short-haired fat women as you want and you should be totally fine.

Brandon Cohen

About Brandon Cohen...

Brandon Cohen was raised by Jew gypsies on the sleepy island of Manhattan, and went on to defy the odds by graduating from a four-year accredited university in Nashville, TN. He's a writer and aspiring street fight videographer. Back in 2008, Brandon talked to Amanda Bynes at a club in LA for over fifteen minutes.