Life
by Mike Camerlengo on December 12, 2013

Since I’ve been off and on health insurance for most of my adult life, allow me to diagnose your symptoms and tell you what you really need to do to get on with your life without emptying your bank account.  I am NOT an actual doctor.

Symptoms:

My elbow really hurts when I bend it. 

Advice:

Which arm is it? If it’s your non-dominant one then you’ll be fine. Just let it hang in a straightened position down by your side. You’ll get sympathy because most people will assume you just had a stroke. Also, you’re halfway to doing the Bernie so hit the club!

Symptoms:

I’m having trouble breathing.

Advice:

How old are you? If you’re under 40 then you’ll be fine. You’re not having a heart attack but more likely a panic attack brought on by the fact you’ve dropped out of law school to try your hand at standup comedy; “What’s up with Bluetooths?” doesn’t have quite the mileage you thought, does it? Try drinking some whiskey. After a few glasses you’ll be less concerned with if you can breathe and more focused on texting a past girlfriend.

Symptoms:

 I have a rash downstairs.

Advice:

Congrats, you probably have an STD! Who doesn’t these days? Going to a doctor is stupid and all they’re going to do is make you feel like the dirty person you likely are. Instead create a Twitter account called @STDsintheBigCity. Write about what it’s like to try to get laid with a terribly contagious disease. You’ll have a book deal by the end of the month and have all the money you need to buy a cure just like Magic did!

Symptoms:

I have a headache.

Advice:

Headaches suck. Especially migraines. But no need to panic. Crush up a bunch of baby Tylenol and mix it with a fresh batch of NyQuil. You’ll feel like Sandra Bullock in Gravity for a while but when you awake several days later, your headache will likely be gone. Warning: Depending on the dosage, you may also permanently kill some brain cells. But as the old saying goes “the less brain you have, the less your head can hurt.”

Symptoms:

I fell down a flight of stairs and my insides hurt.

Advice:

You likely have internal bleeding. So take Steve Smith’s advice and “Ice up, son!” Fill up your bathtub with very cold water and submerge yourself for up to twenty minutes. If you’re fingers turn purple that’s perfect. Note: If your skin starts peeling away you’ve been in for too long.

Symptoms:

I just got shot.

Advice:

Oh shit, get your ass to the hospital, you idiot.

Follow Mike on Twitter.