New Year’s resolutions are tough; they’re like having a hot girlfriend. Seems great at first, but after six weeks -- for whatever reason -- that plump lady that works the checkout at Dollar Tree starts looking good. Real good. We’re drawn to what we can’t have, and therein lies the problem with New Year’s resolutions: The more we promise to withhold, the more we want. "It isn’t possible to suppress the boner that lives within each of us.: Chaucer wrote that.
So if John Cusack is right, and 2012 is the year I fall into a giant sinkhole with the rest of humanity while he flies in a plane to safety (thank God), then damn it, I’m going to make a resolution I can keep. I’m going to do something I love; I’m not going to withhold -- I’m going to partake. 2012 is the year I commit to more daydrinking.
Is there anything better than daydrinking? Drinking in the middle of the day opens up a portal to a different and better existence: the sun shines brighter, flowers are more fragrant, and everyone just wants to bang. Just yesterday, I had several glasses of white wine, garnished with fresh fruit, and danced to Cuban music. There wasn’t one thing that was gay or wrong about doing that at 9:30 a.m. If that makes me gay, then bring on the dong. And if you think that makes me an alcoholic then you’re wrong; you don’t know me, so back off. Seriously, chill out. Asshole.
You know what they say: "When you daydrink, the whole world daydrinks with you." And it’s in that spirit that I promise to not only daydrink as often as possible, but to really turn it up on some key days. Here are 5 top daydrinking days of 2012 worth circling on your calendar. I hope you’ll join me:
5. March 17: St. Patrick’s Day
Duh. No better way to celebrate the religious and troubled history of a sovereign nation than getting completely bombed and screaming at children on the street. I’m going to drink so much Jameson that I plan on catching a flight to England just to punch the Queen square in the tits. And when she exclaims, "What was that for?!", I’ll just tear open my shirt, scream "FREEDOM!" and then throw my fist up in the air. This may sound confusing because I’m Jewish, but believe me, it will make sense when it happens.
4. January 16: The Day Before Martin Luther King DayNo better way to celebrate the movement to end 400 years of racial oppression in an ostensibly free society than having several cocktails during the NFL playoffs. Also, it’s a day off on Monday. Madea movie marathon!
3. July 21: Day One of Ramadan
This may be so obvious, I don’t have to mention it, but of course we’re going to get weird when Ramadan starts. Our Islamic brothers and sisters will be fasting from drinking, smoking, and sex (for a month!), and the rest of us need to pick up the slack or the Earth will fall off its axis. Bonus: There’s no better way to show the terrorists that America is still winning. I plan on getting a tattoo on my back of an eagle wearing cool sunglasses, carrying Osama Bin Laden’s severed head towards the volcano from "Lord of the Rings," as Gandalf looks on in a wizard robe made from an American flag with a speech bubble that reads "These colors don’t run... b*tch."
2. February 5: Super Bowl Sunday
I haven’t remembered a 4th quarter since 2004.
1. January 1: New Year's Day
Because it’s the most underrated daydrinking day of the year. Because we made a resolution and we need to start the year off right. Because anyone can go out on New Year's Eve, but New Year’s Day is for the real professionals. If you’re out on New Year's Day then you’ve weathered the amateur storm of the night before, you’re probably already drunk, and your sweaty, regret-filled hook up later that night will remind you somberly of the passage of time, but also fill you with an eager anticipation for the unknown. And hey, you might get a bl*wjob! Here’s to 2012!
Take me with you, John Cusack.
Happy New Years,