Life
by Fitz E Fresh on May 28, 2014

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Q: So how does a bro ask his new girl to do the same tricks his old girl did? I don’t want to run the risk of making the new girl feel self conscious or that I am comparing her to the old girl (which I am), but at the same time what the old girl did in bed felt pretty damn good. Any suggestions?

A: The first thing you do here is never–I repeat, never–ask that question. Or reference “the old girl”, period.

Unless you’re trying to make the new girl very fucking pissed off, possibly to the point of irrationality, there’s just no need to bring her up.

Consider her blacklisted.

That does not mean however that you can’t still get what you want out of this new relationship via other routes.

I dunno if you’re talking some simple ass slapping, or something more along the lines of her finger in your yours…but as with anything else, there are usually ways to get what you want. But you’ll have to take the lead.

As we all know, bedroom tangos require two participants–and it’s gonna take more than you sending telepathic messages.

Words, usually, are most effective.

Let me stress again that these words should be VERY carefully crafted, and never even allude to the fact that she’s failing to do something a previous sexual partner did.

Present it as a joint exploration; a way for you guys to expand your sexual horizons and get to know each other on a …deeper level.

She may not be receptive to all the suggestions you throw out there, but I can assure you that anything you do will get you further than telling her to be more like your old girlfriend.

You might want to practice this routine in the mirror beforehand. I’m a little nervous for you.

Good luck.

Q: I have grown my hair out for one year and now it is about shoulder length. My question is what do girls think about guys with long hair? I also have a full beard too. Additionally, what do females think of the ‘male bun’? Any light you could shed on the female psyche would be greatly appreciated o’ wonderful babe

A: What’s greatly appreciated are your flowing locks; and I think I can say that on behalf of the greater female population.

Honestly. The more you flow, the more you bro.

I swear to god I just made that up. Still have to decide if I’ll go to the trouble of copywriting it.

In the meantime, I’ll reiterate–yes to hair.

On your face, pulled back in a bun, braided in pigtails..

Okay, probably nix that last part as safe hairitory, but everything else is fair game. Not only is the wily man look on trend right now, but it’ll help to distinguish you from all the other type A dudes.

You know: the Basic Breau.

If you decide to keep the look, make sure to maintain proper upkeep.

But a comb, wash your hair, and take other basic precautionary measures to prevent yourself from being mistaken for a homeless dude.

Flow on, my friend.

Q: I have both a cruiser and a super sport(Crotch rocket, if you will). When you see a guy on either type, what is your impression of each? EX: Super sports are like lifted trucks, tiny dicks only or cruisers are for old men?

A: Frankly I’m gonna need a whole lot more redneck frame of reference before answering this one.

Which is shocking, considering that I have family in Alabama, but this is just a little beyond me.

Now that I’ve returned from perusing Google images, where I found myself stopping upon multiple guys with mustaches and even more chicks in bikinis, I’ve gathered the following information:

First of all, holy shit! Why didn’t anyone tell me you can buy a compact mode of transportation for under $500? That is fucking wild.

This is particularly eye-opening to me, because I paid nearly the equivalent of that to the man whose “crotch rocket” I crashed into somewhere in Northern Thailand…blame it on poor judgement, and Thai weed.

Blame it on the guy, I mean.

Fucker really gave me a raw deal there.

Moral of this enlightening fucking story is the fact that beach cruisers are old school and sexy and girls butts can fit on your handlebars.

Crotch rockets on the other hand, despite being shockingly affordable, are trashy. And really just not safe, OKAY?

Q: I’m in my late twenties and have been with my GF for about five years now.

My mom is completely obsessed with the idea of having her as a daughter and awkwardly references our wedding and even babies but I have no clue when I want that to really happen. How do I let her down easy?

A: Moms, you guys.

A lot of times what they believe to be your “best interests” are actually their ideal life that they’d like to live vicariously through you.

Cut them a break–the ladies birthed you for gods sake! But at the same time this doesn’t give them rights to dictating when or with whom you do your own procreating.

That’s just not how it works. But you can’t really tell them that right out.

So just as you suggested, you let her down easy. Don’t harsh her mom mellow by telling her she won’t see grandchildren before she’s dead, but don’t promise on something you can’t deliver, or don’t want to, like five kids in two years.

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